out of touch

Been so long since I have posted . . . I'm not sure how the other moms do it. I have no time at work to check the blogs or write my own.
Life is good enough. Hubby and I need to get our lives back sooner or later. Little Man is wonderful, funny and cuter everyday of course.
Adoption still not final, parental rights not terminated yet, but it is getting closer to the BIG .26 hearing!

Here is the latest surprising emotional roller coaster for our adoption journey.

Okay - so we are adopting from foster care. Everyone gets that part, parent losing their rights child in danger etc. Well it is a little different for us. 

First we have no birth father, nope, none, nada, immaculate type conception I guess. Legally we have put that issue to rest. Of course at some point that question will come up. And I am sure it will be revisited at different developmental ages. But dang - how do you explain that birth mom doesn't know who birth father is, when you don't even understand it??

Next - the birth mom never hurt our child, but he was in danger, due to her mental condition. People make a lot of assumption when you have adopted from foster care. AND we got our baby when he was 10 days old - really an ideal situation for a child in foster care, no excessive placement changes.

Since mother eventually expressed she would like to relinquish her reunification rights instead of participating in the services offered, we have another twist. Mom's attorney has requested we have a future legal agreement for continued contact through LM's life.

Last week we met with a mediator and discussed many options. I know it is good for LM but it is really hard to predict the future and be held to an agreement for the next 17 years with a person I know VERY little about. We have been told over and over that we do not have a legal obligation to make this agreement, but I am trying to be open. After our first meeting, the mediator went back to birth mom to negotiate with her.

I got word back last night - Birth mom doesn't want face to face visits - ever. Says it would be too hard on her. I started crying, it felt so final. I hope our family and our life together is enough for LM. I hope lack of birth parents is not a huge hole in his heart.

Sept ICLW - love you all for stopping by

I have been a bad poster! Good news it is because I am so happily busy at work that I have no internet time. Oh and I am trying to keep up with our little man when I'm at home.

I was watching him tonight - crawling on his knees now - he has given up the army style. He is just about to figure out pulling himself up. This boy has no fear! I think he'll be up soon. Tonight he would get on all fours and stretch out his legs, so his butt is the highest point on his body. I love the delight on his face when he figures things out.

Craftiness has been aching to come out of me. I love fall for the weather and the holidays and baking and Scrapbook Expo comes to our town!! Unfortunately I haven't done much with my photos since last year except take more to add to the pile.

Hubby has gotten very crafty lately - he has almost completed a deck off of our dining room. We have a french door to the outside and a small side yard. hubby has made the deck out of redwood and enhanced the look with real redwood slab bar and benches!! He is rockin' the power tools ladies - oh yes be very jealous :o) Pictures to come . . .

August ICLW

You people are awesome commenters! Leaving comments for a month old post, so out of date!

Quickie updates

3rd week at my new job - I am in heaven!! Great boss who is also new, and a company that just got voted one of the Best places to Work in Healthcare. I am drinking the kool aid and loving it!!!

Little Man loved vacation with us - the sand and ocean were a huge hit. It was spectacular to just be a family together for 2 weeks with no visitation or social workers in our lives.

I got LM in to a photographer for classic naked baby pictures at 7 months old - love them :o)

Court case was heard - officially birth mom has waived her rights to services. More hunting is being done for a birth dad - (SW has been ordered to call a particular bar and ask for him, wow.) Visitation is once a week for one hour.

The .26 hearing is set for December 8th. If everything flew by perfectly we could be officially a family in spring of 2012.

And - drum roll - My parents are driving from North Carolina to California to come see our LM. POWER OF THE BABY!!!  Rock on! Even bigger drum roll - I am actually VERY excited to see them :o).

Life is good, now if I could lose weight.

crap i missed it again!

Yep I totally spaced on the ICLW deadline for being included on the list. Oh, but, here I am anyway. Today I am packing up my desk and sorting through 17 years of work junk. Obviously RIGHT now i am taking a bloggy break. 

There are so many "manuals" I will not need now that I am leaving public employment, so many trainings, so rarely used. After 2 weeks at the beach :o) I will return and begin my new adventure with (you guessed it) new employee training! I just hope for some nice online reference vs. hundreds of dead trees in a PVC infested binder.

No news on the court process front for our Little Man. Verbally we know birth mom is committed to her choice, but it would be nice to have official recognition. We are going on our first family vacation with LM. We go to the beach every year usually for just 1 week. This year back in January before LM we planned on 2 weeks. The relaxation is going to be glorious! And it's perfect timing for my job transition.

I can hardly wait to share one of my favorite places with our LM.

and another thing

Hey people I forgot to share the other good news.

I got the job!!! I found out just before the July 4th holiday and my start date is August 8th - woo frickin hoo! There are so many pluses and only one minus to this transition, I am over the moon.

So why do I feel guilty for leaving my current employer? I will be letting go of that false sense of loyalty, don't worry. They would get rid of me in a heartbeat if the "business needs" dictated it. Actually I only have about 9 days of working in the office to go, then off to 2 weeks of vacation and on to the new job. I have been so angry at my work situation for the past 2-3 years. Layoffs of great co workers, seniority protecting the crappy ones, a demotion for me, a work place change that doubled my drive to work - all have added up to one giant pile of poop! Aside from those changes I am so over having my brain assaulted every day by the horror stories of what people do to children. I knew I was tuning out a few years ago and began asking for a change of venue/program to get a break from the ugliness. I have been told I am too valuable to my program to lose so I will have to stay. HA - I told them my choices were ask for a change or leave and now I can do it!!!

Having fantasies about dramatic quitting scenarios - any ideas my little internetties?

settling in

Everything is still just ducky around here. I have just been trying to absorb the idea of our Little Man staying forever!! A social worker friend said she hopes birth mom doesn't get "wishy washy," and ya know, that did not bother me one bit. This is a big decision. Little Man is getting harder to care for not easier and I think birth mom sees that. It has not officially been put into the court record yet, but that is the next step.
She is also letting go of her baby items by passing them on to us. Last week we got 5 boxes of assorted stuff, blankets, newborn clothing, formula samples, baby beauty products, baby monitor, carrier, crib sheets, bottles, toys and books. I got teary sorting through the items and seeing the preparations that were being made. A few treasures were found. LMs hospital bracelet and a baby naming book with a hand written note. The note was baby name possibilities and the final name she decided on for our Little Man. It is so wonderful for him and us to have these things.

Little Man is now 6 months old, we go for immunizations today and i will update ya'll later on that. We are also outgrowing our first baby gear items. Off they go into the world of baby recycling! Stay tuned.

drum roll please!

We met with Birth Mom, her attorney and the county social worker today after their visit.

SHE ASKED US TO ADOPT Little Man!!!!! So officially she is giving up her rights to reunification services and designating us as the people she wants to adopt her child!!! Court will be scheduled for next week so they can make that part official. Then the 26 hearing for termination of parental rights. Noticing to 2 other potential fathers to come forward for testing. All in all a finalized adoption takes time, but we are well on our way!!!

She said she wanted him to have a good home and can see how bonded he is to us. She wanted to tell us herself. The first thing I said is "are you sure?" then Yes of course and Thank You was in there too. I can hardly believe it. I feel emotionally exhausted. Still there are many questions and details about continued contact for us to discuss. Visits are being decreased right away, so less disruption to LM's schedule.

It is no longer a fantasy - our LM is not going anywhere :o).  

OMG I just found this fortune on my desk - "Your dream will come true when you least expect it."  Wow.

wrapping up loose ends

. . . well that's what I WANT to do, but it's not gonna happen tonight.

I find myself waiting for news or answers so I can write a coherent post for ya'll. I want to wrap up my concerns and put a neat bow on them. I fear if I posted daily about the changes and details of our life it would be a horrible roller coaster ride!

But I do know a few things right now . . .
1.  I am not going to die right now from anything going on in "ma belleh" I had a CT scan this morning and everything looks normal. So my belly pains are unexplained, but as of today they are much better.

2.  I had a great interview last week! And right now I am waiting to get an official job offer. :o)

3.  LM had  roseola last week, but he is fine right now.

4.  Biggest news (and the cliff hanger until next post.) Birth Mom and her attorney want to meet with Hubby and I tomorrow after the baby's visit. The county Social Worker did not tell me what the meeting is about, but did say it not anything bad. Of course my mind is filling in the blanks and making up wonderful stories right now. Stay tuned.

Hey remember that Van Halen song

Van Halen - Right Now by VividJame

enjoy now until later

Wanting

Woke up feeling anxious.

Nasty weird dream about rain and our house floating off its foundation. Woke up feeling very unsettled. And tired. LM got up at 4:30 ish and just needed holding, I was sleepy, but it was nice. Okay the dream might be related to the "rain sound" CD that LM sleeps to and the novel I am reading The Children's Hospital, at any rate I woke with a feeling of anticipation and possible doom!

I WANT the new job. Today I go for the second interview to meet the big wigs.

I WANT LM to stay with us forever. Visits are to be increased and I am nervous about how it will all come together. December is the end of 6 months of services for Birth mom. LM will be almost 1 year old. I can't imagine him leaving us. I can't imagine him living in a home that is not ours. Way in the back of my brain I know it is possible, but in order to keep my sanity and care for my baby boy, I have to believe he is ours forever.

I will deal with reality when it changes.

where are we now ?

Okay, here's what I have been told. Court case has moved past the Juris/Dispo level and now we are into 6 months of services for mother, finally! No bio father has been found, and sounds like all leads are coming up dry. The potential to place with Grandmother is a dead issue.

There was a suspicion on the part of the Bio mom's attorney that somehow we "pulled strings" and got this placement as a favor. (Yeah right!) The placement with us was being contested and it felt really bad to think our Little Man could be moved because of the appearance of shady dealings. At any rate I guess the right people were asked the right questions AND bio mom is happy with the placement with us so the issue has been dropped.

Bio mom is going to have 6 hrs per week of visitation. I am going to assume this means 3 - 2 hr visits, but I have not been contacted officially yet.

Little Man is funnier everyday. And at just over 5 months he is eating eagerly and self feeding with those weird rice "crackers."

The biggest news is about me! I have a great job interview last week and I am going for the second interview on Tuesday. I have been unhappy in my job many years and am ready to move on. The new job will be mentally challenging and VERY close to home. Plus I get to work with a friend! Oh please let this all come together. Other item about me - not so fun. Been having belly pain for a couple of weeks. I am scheduled to have a CT scan on the 21st of this month.

things are looking UP

Our Little Man is alomst 5 months old and full of smiles, slobber, grunts, and funny sounds. Last week . . . nope, no resolution officially at court, but a shift did happen.

Monday visitation is supervised by our agency's social worker. Birth mom had lots of questions about myself and hubby. She also stated that her mother said NO to raising the baby (again.) And Birth mom said she liked that LM was happy and clean with us and asked if we could adopt him if she cannot get him back!

Holy yippee bat man! I don't know who has been talking to her, but someone has and we could not be more thrilled! Last Friday due to county staffing issues I supervised the visit and she asked me the same thing :o). I just told her she need never worry - LM can stay with us forever.

No word on paternity results yet. The county social worker tells me she thinks the potential father only agreed to test because she threatened to come out to his house. AND he is married with children, so looks like he is trying to keep this possibility quiet for now. It is doubtful that he would want services.

Again I am told 6/6/11 is THE date for jurisdiction, hi ho, we'll see . . . (sigh) anyway. 

Welcome ICLW!

The three words I use to describe my blog are loss, adoption and craftiness.
Craftiness takes many forms and can be seen scattered throughout my blog. This little shrine was something I created after misscarriage # 2 or 3, I can't remember. The Artsy Fartsy page has some of my photos - I really should post more here.
Loss is from our 4 miscarriages that include failure of a donor egg pregnancy at 16 weeks. Loss also includes our fantasy about adoption.
We are fost/adoptive parents simply because we could not afford domestic adoption after spending so much on assorted ART. We also feel strongly about adopting close to home and are hoping to have a somewhat open relationship with birthparents of our forever child. Our fantasy was crushed back in November 2010 and we will never be the same.
Currently you can read here about Little Man! He is now 4.5 months old and has lived with us since he was 10 days old. He is a joy, HUGE, smiley, cuddly and a great sleeper. He is part of our family and we are loving every minute. He is placed with us through CPS of course and the legal process has been muddy at best. We knew his mother would get reunification services and we are rooting for her success. Problem is, it is 4 months since his placement and we don't have a plan from the court. LM visits his mom 3 days a week with supervision. He has had no contact with a father or any grandparents, BUT mom's attorney has asked for a trial contesting his placement with us and asking for LM to be placed with maternal grandmother. Current word is the trial on the placement issue will be next week 5/26/11 . Hold us in your thoughts. I have come to a calm place about the issue. I can do nothing, I don't know the whole story, justice and what is "right" is very subjective. So we live our lives - loving our baby boy as long as he is with us. Oh and I am actually excited to hear that 2 men are being tested for paternity. One we know is not the father, but the other might be.

close call for Dad

That is my Dad, not Hubby aka Daddy to our Little Man.

So it goes like this - on Mother's Day my Dad was so sick they went to urgent care. My Dad lives in North Carolina with my Mom who recently survived her second cancer (colon this time.) Both are in their early 70's and doing alright. So Dad had several tick bites over the last few weeks and now felt really crappy. Blood work showed he was VERY low in infection fighting white blood cells and also very low in plateletts that help you stop bleeding. The standard antibiotic was given assuming he may have one of the 10 possible infections carried by ticks. Dad got sicker and sicker and put in the hospital on Wednesday 5/11. Antibiotics were changed to IV and they seemed to do no good. Blood work was still very concerning. Oncologist came to see Dad, bone marrow aspiration was planned for 5/13/11. Just another reason I wanted to cruise through last friday. In my head I was signing - "Don't nobody bring me no bad news!"

Leukemia was the worst possibility, but I won't keep you in suspense the bone marrow was fine days later. Dad went home on monday feeling much better. I don't think we had a definitive diagnosis, but we all vote for the tick thing.

As for court last week - who knows. I wrote an informational letter to LM's attorney just to get it off my chest. We never heard if there was another continuance or if we had disposition. Now it is a week later and not a word from anyone. LM felt poorly over the weekend and then I got sick for the last few days. Looks like we are both better and happy to be heading into a weekend.

Another hearing date

Getting dull for you all yet? Yes another hearing is set for this week 5/12/11. Maybe it won't be continued again, maybe it will. This time I am sort of afraid of the outcome. I know a grandma has asked for placement, but she previously said she could not do it. I have also "caught wind" that there is questions about why LM was placed with us, and out of his county of origin. I don't know why, but I hear mom's attorney is trying to imply we got placement as a favor because I know some of the county employees.

Bull Shit and distraction by a lawyer trying to buy time for the client. That's what I think anyway.

I want to get through thursday, and I am feeling like I don't want to answer the phone or go to a visit on friday.

I feel like a fake mom

Yes I do all the mothery things and I know I am THE MOTHER in the mind of our Little Man. At the same time there is still turmoil about LMs placement with us. I heard the birth mother's lawyer is arguing that the baby should not have been placed so far away. I also heard grandmother is interested in him now, when she already said she could not care for him. By the way, grandmother lives as far away as I do. All of this is a distraction from the real question - can birth mom be a Mom? How about leaving the boy in one spot so he can thrive until we get that question answered.

Yesterday as we made brunch for my mother in law and Granny I felt unable to soak in any praises I got for being a good mother. I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out and dump me on my ass.

first day at daycare

Went well for little man although it was certainly atypical.

7:30 drop off by mommy (me)
10:30 pick up by SW that little man has never met & drive to visit
12-1 visit with birth mom
1:30 return to daycare
4:30 pick up by daddy
5:45 mommy home from work and can't put baby down!

Luckily that is just on monday. Tuesdays and Thursdays are more normal. Wednesday Daddy takes LM to a visit and friday Mommy has driving duty.

Daycare lady says LM had smiles for everyone. Glad he was happy - I was . . . not so much.

baby stats

Our little man was just barely under 17 pounds and 25.5 inches long at his 4 month exam today. Doc commented on how beautiful his skin is and of course everyone is charmed by his ever present smile and cheery disposition.
I'm cheery too because he sleeps all night and rarely fusses! He's probably just born that way, but I will take full credit :o).

Oh and I asked birth mother how the hearing went yesterday . . . . .

drum roll please . . . . .

Awww damn it - continued again! Fuck me

Times they are a changin'

So today was supposed to be the continued hearing once again - I'm taking bets - who thinks it was continued again for some new BS reason? Who thinks we now have a completed Juris & Disposition and now the 6 month clock for services begins??  Truly I do not know. I am not sure I even dare to ask.

Next Monday life changes drastically for all of us. Yep I go back to "work." I tell you I am hooked on the money, but I feel largely useless working in the governmental swamp that is my current job. I continue to look for a better work experience. Lucky me I have a friend on the "inside" at another employer trying to help out.

Little Man goes to daycare next week. I found a very homey home in our neighborhood. I am going to try to get myself out of bed at 5:30 am to get him ready and me off to work by 7:30, wish me luck. Hubby is on pick up duty. Monday he will go to daycare and then be picked up by a Social Worker he has never met to be driven 60 miles each way for a visit with his mother and then be returned to daycare. Tuesdays & Thursdays he gets to just hang at daycare. Wednesday Hubby takes him out of county for the Mommy & Me class then sends him back to daycare for a few hours. Fridays I take him for a morning visit then back to daycare so I can work half a day and hopefully not get fired for excessive time off.

4 month old baby shots happen tommorrow - I'll check in with the stats for ya'll after our appointment.

Myth Busters for RESOLVE

Okay now - sorry to be misleading, but you won't find Jamie and Adam here, try the Discovery Channel. This post is to bust one of the many myths surrounding family building after the diagnosis of infertility.

"You can always adopt a baby!"
Nope really you can't. There are many qualifications expected of adoptive families. Type of adoption doesn't really matter.

International adoption comes with the most specifics. My hubby and I have been married before to other people. Some countries would want us to then wait to apply until we have been married 10 years, by then we would be out of their age range.

Money is an issue of course. Maybe you already shot your wad on IVF - oops no cash for that domestic adoption. And crazy as it sounds domestic adoptions are cheaper for browner children. Makes me sick to think this country still doesn't value all children equally.

Foster/adoption - not for the faint of heart. Yes you may get a baby placed in your home, but can you tolerate the limbo of the court system for months or years? How will you eventually explain the family formation to your child? Can you stand to have your heart broken once again? Are you ready to take on the traumatized child's pain? If you stick with it (and pass the background check, etc.) this is a sure fire way to become a parent, but at what emotional cost for everyone involved?

see more myths here

good luck all wanna bee mommies and daddies - fingers crossed for all of us

Nothing is promised

Things change oh so quickly. I was feeling confident last week and just about to buy more furniture for LM's room. Yesterday that changed. My SW New Stork came for a visit - we have been ordered by the court to have 3 visits per week. Starting right now. Okay I am off for 2 more weeks before the return to work so I will work it out. Plan has been I will do friday visits, hubby will do wednesday visits and the agency will do the third. Well - New Stork is leaving town for another job. Both agencies are complaining about being short stafffed, so supervision is difficult.

This part pisses me off - a lack of visits therefore not following court orders makes the court pissy. I hear not everyone is pleased that Little Man is placed so far away, so we need to have visits be a non issue. So the systems BS could get this boy taken from the only home he has known so he can be closer.

Another bomb dropped, grandmother is now requesting placement. I have no idea if this is a real threat to us or not. I know the court favors relatives and not much weight is given to the child's bonding in foster care.

I've been a very good mother to LM, better than I thought. I don't know how to handle this new turn.

who's your mama?

I get a big thrill every time Little Man is held by someone else and looks for me. People instinctively say "Where's mommy?" It's heart melting.
Yesterday I was picking LM up from the visit with his birth mom. She was talking and cuddling him. LM saw me and smiled and leaned my way. I don't think the birthmom took it poorly. She kept talking to him and me, she said "ah-goo." This is a common sound from LM. Then she told me she has written down "ah-goo" in his baby book as his first word.
Back out in the car driving away with my baby I wanted to cry. What kind of mom am I? I have no baby book for him. What will happen to her if she can't get this boy back? What is Mother's Day like for us?

This week I also had a visit with the county social worker. It answered a lot of questions and gave me hope that LM will be staying with us for along time and likely forever. There are plenty of hoops to jump through and a long drawn out legal process for the birth mother to go through, bless her heart. And starting asap we will have to take him to 3 visits per week. He's part of our family and we will work it out.

Broken record

Yep you guessed it the, disposition hearing was continued again. Now until 4/7/11. I did find out the reason is related to something the birthmom doesn't want to do and CPS is asking for. Well hummm we'll all just ponder how that is going to play out. I don't know why I bother my pretty little head about these things. I have no way of knowing the decision making process in these types of situations. I can guess that safety of the child is the primary goal, not really quality of life.

When I think about how it is to be the birth mom I get sick. I hate to have such joy at the cost of someone else's pain. My ideal now would be to adopt little man with her blessing and be able to keep in touch with her and her family. Am I dreaming? We'll see. New Stork is going to attend the court hearing this week and report back to us. We also discussed filing for de facto parent status. It is something I need to research, but would give us a stronger legal standing.

On little man news - he is 3 months old! Over 16 pounds now, cooing, drooling and smiling like crazy. This weekend we had our first cold together, but he is much better already. I found a home daycare to begin in May when I have to return to the job I don't much care for anymore. I know daycare is a fact of life for many of the children in the USA, but wouldn't it be nice to have a government that supported a parent at home with the child for at least the first year of life? I am lucky that FMLA laws exsist and that I can afford to take off those 12 weeks. My work has made it clear that I must return when that time is up. No extended leave for me. I hope the transition and life in daycare is not too traumatic for him.

ICLW ~ come on back now, ya'hear

Welcome friends and "I Com. Leave We" peeps. Well today was the big day again.
Annnnnddd, I still know nothing.

Our Little man has lived in our home for over 2 months and NO county social worker has come to see him at our home. Today was going to be a visit with his SW and the SW from our agency AKA New Stork. We were hoping to hear how the very important Jursdiction/Dispostion hearing went that was supposed to happen on 1/27/11 and then got delayed until 3/7/11. I got a call this morning from the county SW and she has to go to court on another case so no visit with her.

I asked a bit about the case. There are only two names of men who may possibly be his bio dad that they can try to track down. No word from either of them. The JD hearing DID NOT happen on 3/7/11 because the mother's attorney asked for more time. It is now set for 3/24/11. I have no idea what that might mean. I also expressed my concern regarding logistics and visitation once I go back to work. Again kind of a moot point to make a real plan until the JD hearing is done.

So we continue to wait, while LM gains weight. Check this out.

LM's hand (the tan hand) at 11 weeks is bigger than the hand of our 5 month old friend! I think he's gonna be a big boy :o)

2 months with Little Man at home

Time flies. Two months already, but I wish we could fast forward 6 months, because that would mean LM was even more likely to stay with us.
Right now I have our agency social worker visiting us once every 2 weeks instead of weekly - yeah! The visitation schedule is still at 2 days a week, but now I take LM to meet his birth mom at a "mommy and Me" class that lasts 1.5 hrs on wednesdays. Friday visits are the same 1 hour at the CPS county office. Next Monday the county social worker will be coming to my house for the first time. I am hoping to get a better picture of where we are headed at that time.
LM and I have our routine, morning nap, poop, afternoon nap with eating and playing in between. He is a happy little guy. We have "spa night" every once in a while when he gets in my big tub with me. He loves to float in the water, all that baby fat sure is bouyant! But how does the boy get so much dirt under his nails???

time for a random cat picture . . .


Jack is up top and Dorian is getting a bit too big for the condo.

baby roulette

I feel like I am playing a game, trying to weigh the benefits vs. risks of putting everything I have into this baby boy. At first it seemed like a no brainer, easy, jump in give him everything and keep him forever. But things have started to change, not in my heart, but with the county who placed him with us.
Last friday I was told LM and his "mother" would be starting baby and me classes making his wednesday visit longer. I thought, oh Okay - so we can make his wednesday visit longer and drop the friday visit. Oh no, the person who supervises visits said "We really should be having 3 visits per week." Never mind the price of gas and my gussler car, but I was shooting for less visits NOT more!
I was in tears for the drive home friday and semi pissed off all weekend. I have to return to work in May. I was hoping we could be down to one visit per week and that Hubby and I could swing that. Should I go back sooner to hopefully save some of my time off for another placement? Is the county going to move the baby from our home because we are too far away to support reunification efforts? We are the only family LM knows. If he goes back home do we have a right to have placement later if she fails him again?
The child was remove from the mother in January and FINALLY the Jurisdiction/Disposition hearing is set to happen this thursday. We aren't allowed to go or to see the court documents, but there will be court orders that greatly effect our lives. It sounds horrible to have him move just because we are too far away and I have to go back to work. 3/21/11 our New Stork and the County SW will come to meet at our house and see LM in his home. I have know idea what things will look like by then.
It doesn't really matter that he is doing well in our care. Its all about getting him back to his birth mother. She didn't really do anything wrong, but she has an illness that needs to be under close control in order for LM to have a safe life with her. How do you measure that? The next few months may go well for her, but her life could easily fall apart. I just want him to have a good future life.
I think I have shot my wad gambling on this baby.

Jack the junkie

One of our cats has a problem. Maybe he was taken from his mama too soon.

Hubby picked out this kitten because he thought the kitty looked like he needed help. (I picked out the other one because I thought he might be able to kill squirrels someday, but that is another story.)

Jack is hooked on silicone baby bottle nipples. He also thinks all of the baby things are for him. I could almost understand that one, but Dorian knows the difference between a cat toy and a baby rattle. At first I thought it was the milk - what kitty doesn't like baby milk right? I found myself having to shoo away Jack from every feeding, and quickly get the mostly empty bottle over to the sink. Very soon Jack found our stash of clean nipples in a bowl by the sink. I would find nipples on the floor looking like this.

One I found was entirely severed. A few days later cat barf revealed where the silicone tip had gone. We changed our storage method and now all clean nipples are kept in the salad spinner WITH the lid on it. As long as we remember to keep it closed they are safe. Dirty nipples in the sink are not. At first he would not fish them out of the standing water, but the "nipple jones" cured his fear of water. Then we discovered a high layer of dish soap bubbles bought us more time. But no soap seems to last all night and Jack can be a patient junkie. For now we a dishwasher basket in the sink to put the dirties in - have to remember to close that lid too! I stopped counting after Jack destroyed 6 nipples. I just buy more and try to be vigilant.

The really funny part is the crazed look Jack gets in his eyes when he actually fools us and gets his prize. You can hear him jump up on the counter and if he is successful he will run wildly around the house. I chase - he runs, but has not figured out to go where I cannot follow. Eventually I get the nipple back. Hopefully with no puncture wounds.

We'll see if Jack can kick his habit before we move on to drinking out of a cup!

The current schedule . . .

So in the life of foster care to adoption you get lots of new friends.
We have a busy schedule right now and thank goodness we do not have extra doctor visits because Little Man is a normal healthy boy.
New Stork visits us every week, right now on monday mornings. Twice a week, wednesdays and fridays, we drive 120 miles roundtrip to see Birth Mom for an hour of supervised visitation.
Last week I met the County Social Worker who is in charge of the case now. She will be coming to our home at some point. I am not sure about the frequency of that visit.
No use for me to get cranky about the intrusions into our life because this will be the pattern for some time to come. I guess in one year from now we might have less people in our lives, but there is just no telling.
Today I feel very accomplished. I was able to make valentine jam thumbprint cookies for my hubby AND take care of an awake baby.
Little Man is sleeping right now and I think I'll get daring and attempt to shower AND wash my hair.
Crazy I know.

Ice Breaker

Yeah so we did have that meeting one week ago. It was very casual - Just us. Hubby, Me, New Stork Little Man and Birth Mom. Not even a single person representing the county that took the baby from Birth Mom. But then again they said the point was to talk about the baby and not the case. Alright - Birth Mom was "fine." She told us what she knew about Little Man, which isn't a lot since she has not had him with her. We let her know he is doing very well. Our New Stork tried to ask some probing questions about possible fathers, but it got nowhere. I think there are some very fuzzy details in Birth Mom's mind.
Funniest part she said she was concerned that we had to drive so far to bring the baby, but we looked like older people and were probably good drivers.
Hubby and I left feeling nothing but compassion for the Birth Mom. If she can do this she needs to get her baby back quick. The "clock" of services will not being until the next hearing is done. That hearing got pushed back to March, apparently there is more to investigate before the disposition. September would be the month for termination of services IF she shows no progress.
Hard for me to focus on just loving the little guy while he is here, but now that he smiles a bit its easier to live in the moment.

on edge

Not because of the baby, no Little Man is still awesome. Sometimes he sleeps a little less, sometimes a bit more.
No I am on edge because tomorrow we meet his birth mother. This is an organized meeting between all parties involved to communicate about care of the child. And, I suppose, to form partnerships in the reunification process. All good things.
I prefer my current illusion of LM as my forever child. I know its a lie I tell myself. I know it is for his good that we find out as much as we can about his bio family and support his mother in getting well. Maybe they have even identified a father by now. It would be nice for LM to at least know who the guy is or was. I can run wild in my head making up the endings to stories, maybe we'll hear some facts tomorrow. I must suppress the urge to present myself as the superior parental choice for LM because truth is, it is not a choice right now. The court has its standards and bio parents hold the rights.
No matter what LM gets a "win" and that is good.

First weeks reflections

I love having Little Man here. He is a wonderful reminder to enjoy each moment because we do not know what the future holds.
A couple of weeks before we got our LM I was at work and had a terrible, sad, realization. I was in my cubicle which is situated just outside of a conference room. This room is the main place where social workers meet with parents who are at risk of losing their child or have already lost them and are working to get them back. These meetings are called for all parties involved to share information and to have some very "straight talk " about how things are going in the home and what needs to change for the child to go home. I have sat in on many meetings - usually when there is a health issue in question. The meetings are intense and often lots of tears are shed, maybe a little denial, hopefully some better understanding comes about. So this particular day the door opens and a woman is sobbing right outside my cubicle. The sobbing continues despite the "comforting" from the SW. Security is called, mental health is questioned, just because she said "why would I want to live if I can't have my baby?" I felt so sorry for her. Like a ton of bricks I realized my joy will not come without someone elses pain. I will not have a child without another family losing a child.
I feel very torn these days. I love LM. I want him to have a whole complete healthy family. I want his family to be successful and change their lives for his sake. And I want them to fail so he will never leave us. I want them to want LM to stay with us because they know it is best if they cannot make him safe.

Such a strange position to be in . . . .

How about a cute cat picture??  Lookee!

Yes - that is the old school desk I have restored! I kept it very rustic and the kitties think it's an awesome place to sit and look at birdies.

so sleepy

Our Little Man is awesome! He went from 8 lbs 13 oz last week to a whopping 9 lbs 9 oz this week! We see the cardiologist tommorrow and then hopefully things will slow down a bit. Usually he sleeps quite well, but last night we were all off. Hubby woke me up at 2:45 so I could take over. Rough night, not a lot of crying, but LM would whine everytime we put him down.
Tonight I swaddled him and put on the white noise CD - we need better sleep today! Oh and happy ICLW :o)

no more waiting

Little Man is with us and getting in the swing of things. I got to sleep from midnight until 4 am then back to sleep at 5 until 7 am. I feel refreshed. LM is still asleep. I need to call for a doctors appointment, so I am waiting for the office to open right now.

He has really funny facial expressions and is over 8.5 pounds of baby boy. The world of social workers descend on us tommorrow. We have a visit from our agency and I'm sure a call from his county to set up visits. It's been wonderful to have a three day weekend of just us and Little Man.

leap of faith in progress

got another call from our adoption stork - no our healing time is NOT up, but we have again been offered an infant. And we said let's do it - I feel very calm about this one.

stay tuned

update - there is a baby boy who needs a home and we have agreed to take him in and love him for as long as we have him. Reunification will of course be offered, but it seems like it will be a tough road for the mother if she is able to do it. Baby boy is 5 days old, 10 pounds and has not left the hospital yet. We may pick him up tommorrow. This time I kind of feel prepared, except for baby clothes for a 10 pound boy!

possible movement in my direction

Just spoke with the Grand Pooh-Bah of adoptions in our county. He was supposed to get clarity from my agency for my Big Boss about why my job position presents a conflict of interest. Yeah ! GBP does seem to understand that staying at this job gets in my way. He agrees I would not be able to adopt from our county if I stay here. AND he is calling my BB to tell her what he has discovered.
At least we have some clarity. Now if they want to screw me over they have no excuse, but meanness.

Today I spoke with the baby girl's social worker and sent pictures of her with us from her 2 days at our home. I hope baby girl is told the complete story of her life someday and that she knows we were a part of it too. I still miss her.

Still waiting . . .

Before Christmas I had requested a job transfer - see this post.  Well, no news so far. To give you idea of the crazy I have to deal with, here is an exact quote from my direct supervisor sent to me in an email.
"I am reasonably sure that you will be granted a transfer, but wouldn’t put any stock in it. I just hope things work out well for you."  WTF??!!

So when I come back in January I happened to check the job board and there is the job I want posted for everyone to see. Not that there is anything wrong with posting it - in fact it is the right thing to do! So I called the contact person AND sent her an email. I had to call her the next day to get acknowledgment that my request had been received. The supervisor for that position is in the loop - she knows I want to come over, but she said they are not sure when they will be setting up interviews. Come on people!
 
This month I will reach my 17th anniversary working for this county. Help me - I must be sick. Really . . . I guess I am more like a junkie - hooked on vacation days and other benefits. Arrgggh. Got a government monkey on my back.