Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Congrats its a fetus!

I had my first OB appointment at Kaiser at 9 weeks 1 day- OMG! Prior to the appointment there was much freaking out. I don't feel pregnant, I'm not barfing my guts out and sleeping all the time. I was dizzy for a week and felt kinda gaggy, but now not so much. Having lost 3 pregnancies very early on - I was expecting the worst. But now we are in uncharted territory - we have an official fetus instead of an embryo! The ultrasound (coochie cam) showed the little 2 cm bean, big head, and freaky little limbs right where it should be placenta and all. And then it wiggled - okay that was way cool! I return for the 12 week exam in early February. Question is - can I stay optimistic now that my only symptoms are food tastes funny, bad constipation, and a bit of sore boobs? Who am I kidding? I'm all over the place, but as always time will tell.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

no "man's" land

So here I sit in the world between the "really" pregnant people and my sisters in infertility land. I actually feel guilty for being pregnant when so many young, gorgeous, responsible women I have met are still struggling. Some days I feel sick and actually pregnant, but other days I feel fat and just know this pregnancy is not going to produce a baby. "Graduating" to the pregnancy after infertility group should be a good thing, but I can't stand to hear about baby clothes and finding out the sex right now, I'm not there.
I'm fighting those negative thoughts - it got the better of me yesterday afternoon. I was googling signs of miscarriage which led me to miscarriage remembrance gifts. Oh my god people - don't ever go there! I was planning out my bracelet that would contain birthstone for all my miscarriages, so far I have June, March and August. I had myself so worked up I called Kaiser trying to get an US today or anytime before my monday appointment. I'll hang on to my cell for dear life today waiting for the response to the urgent email the advice nurse sent to my doc.
I felt better after a good cry over how concerned the nurse was for me, sweetness always makes me cry. I sucked it up, dropped some visine, and went to science night. I had to be the dutiful stepmom until we got home and alone and I could confess my feelings to my husband in private.
Dang it! my phone just rang and i missed it!!! Private number - no message, argghh.