Wednesday, April 28, 2010

baby bee

A long time ago, in a land far far away, I had this crazy idea. "No matter what, someday, I will have a child to raise as my own!"
Mind you this was so long ago (1990s) that I wasn't even able to date someone longer than 6 weeks without finding good reason to shoot him down like a UFO flying low over Arizona.  Anyhoo since I knew a baby was surely on the way, I began mentally planning.  Then in the late 90s I got a bit more serious and bought a few things. Just some adorable baby toy that I would buy for a friend's shower, but I'd get two and save one for my future baby.
In case I never told you before, my nickname is Bee. As you might imagine some of these terrible cute items were "bee" themed. My best friend at the time was pregnant with her IVF twins and we had plenty of time to talk while she was on bedrest. So "baby bee" evolved in my mind with her encouragement. I accepted hand me downs from the twins, who call me Aunt (ant) Bee now. I had a box of baby things in the back of my closet. Here and there things were added. Did you know Eddie Bauer Home once had a bee themed baby bedding set? Yep got that, on clearance.
But there was a problem, baby bee had no baby daddy. I got sloppy with birth control and tried to get some tips from the girls on Maury, but that never panned out for me. I even tried the sperm donor/single mom by choice route, once.
Then I tried dating again in 2004. Lucky me there was a guy out there for me. I met my darling husband in November 2004. He came with a son who was 8 at the time. I made sure I communicated my desire for babies and just melted when he said he thought he had a couple more in him :o).

Fast forward past the wedding in 2006 and our first attempts at getting pregnant, blah blah, read the history in older posts.

Monday I was at home, sick - and I opened the "baby Bee" box. I am putting things out for the all neighborhood garage sale in May. I am surprised at my lack of atttachment to the once planned decor. It is still way cute and gender neutral, but that baby bee was a dream given up a long time ago. I'll keep some things, the Hello Bee book, Bee rattle, and Bee bib, but the other things were for a baby I never had. Time to move them along. I love the new room I have created for whoever lands in that space, but I don't think it will be baby bee's room.

I think I am beginning to feel the same way about the names we had picked out. A child adopted from fostercare comes with a name. Yes it can be changed, and once an adoption is final our last names will definately be the same. Do we have a right to remove the name that a child has known for months or years? I want to name my child, but Daphne, Zane, Violet, Minnie and all the other possibilities might have died right along with those fetuses/embryos. We'll see.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

riding the waves

. . . or drifting might be more appropriate, like a jelly. There is not a thing I can do to speed up the process of getting a baby in our house. Deep breath, trying to be okay with that. Some nights while watching whatever I darn well please on the Tee Vee I have a grateful moment and know my relaxing days are numbered.
Other nights like tonight, I can't get motivated to do a darn thing because I have all the time in the world and what I'd rather be doing is giving Baby Bee a post din-din bath and getting ready for stories. I have shelves of kids books. I have been collecting them since the early 90's, just cause I love them so.
Maybe that's another time killer for the pre Baby Bee void . . . Okay get ready for some of my favorite kid books :o).

Saturday, April 10, 2010

If you build it, will they come?

I know, I don't have a baby right now, but I have a decorated baby's room ! Is that really strange? Many people don't want to "jinx" the whole baby thing by making a nursery too soon. Dude my baby thing was jinxed years ago, so whatever.

To adopt a baby from fostercare you have to have a space ready to go, so why not make it look pretty?

First we have the boy's old room (before the remodel) - freshly painted with Valspar Lazy Days, a lovely soft aqua color.
I then found my inspiration fabric, hoping is wasn't too girly. I wanted bring out the orange, green and brown colors. Who doesn't love ball fringe? I knew it also had to be part of this creation. From this print I was inspired to add a tree and birdies to the wall. A dear friend helped me shop for coordinating prints and another worked with me on the super cute valance.
Then it was time to paint the tree.
and add some leaves. I new what I wanted the birdies to look like and I was fairly confident that my basic sewing skills could get me there. Again I relied on another friend to sketch out patterns for the two birds. Thank goodness she metioned interfacing, these little guys would not have made it into life without that tip. I knew the colors, orange felt for beaks, batting for a little puffiness and black button eyes.
Oh I just love them! I'm sure they are singing up a storm in that tree!  This is one of those rare times that my vision for the project came out just as I hoped. So the picture molding is the only thing left to paint. Maybe I'll tackle that tomorrow. For now I think I will just revel in the cuteness I have created :o).
Okay Universe we are getting very close to ready - where is our baby at?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Mean Mommy

I haven't ever birthed a baby, but still I get to be the Mean Mommy.
So to explain - I married into a ready made family, Daddy and Son. The Son who is now 13 goes between our two houses every other week. My issue? I have a problem with rules. Oh yeah, I love rules and the structure they provide, because then you can bend them and still be in the right. I also think learning the rules is an important task for a child to function in society as they would like. Once you know how to follow the rules them you can make choices. Some people make rules, then never follow up - I HATE THIS! And I think the bio mother of the 13 year old is just that kind of person.
13 year old got some poor grades based on his choice to not do homework and to lie to his parental units that he had none or that is was already done. Short term thinking obviously. So the bio mom was really upset about the lying and cracked down hard. I don't really have a say in all of this, but I am supposed to follow the rules. Homework first, no TV, no video games, no Yu gi go cards, no sleepovers. Fine I can do that, consistancy is one of my strong suits.
So spring break week comes and I take the time off to be with the 13 year old. Lots of adventure ideas dance through my head. Then his bio mom wants him to stay with her longer, cutting into our week. Who am I, what am I going to say, NO? So  fine now the 5 weekdays are only 3. The boy comes back to us with a cold - this is frequently the case. He's seen every movie already. I decide to give him a free day wednesday and mentally plan fun for thursday.

Wednesday night I ask - so did you get any homework over Spring Break?
Answer yeah, math, spanish, english.
Well its done already right? (I say recalling the rules)
No, I haven't started.

. . . WTF!!! inside my head voice - now I get to feel like a bitch and I didn't even make these goddammned rules!

So here I sit thursday morning knowing that homework is not really happening at any reasonable pace debating on leaving him here and enjoying myself or staying to crack the whip over his head. At least he is 13 and I can leave him alone!

I do feel the need to separate myself from a situation I cannot control, but I am torn because like it or not I am a parent to him too.

I also admit - this is one of the reasons I want my own child that just my husband and I can raise. No more group parenting please!