Monday, November 16, 2009

preconceptions - why does everything relate to pregnancy?

So despite the dragging of feet we have been assigned a social worker. Let's call her the Stork. So tomorrow the Stork is coming to look at our house and talk about I really don't know what. I have officially lost the ability to get worked up over "company" seeing my dust bunnies. I don't know if that is an age thing, but I do know my dearest darling husband cares even less than I do. As long as we are all in agreement I'm cool. Let's hope the Stork feels the same. Our house is not child proof right now, but we have made our efforts. On his second try DDH got the locking cabinet installed and we have all the kid locks and outlet plugs, they just aren't out of the packages yet. I admit I feel a little bitter about preparing for a child who may not be here for another year or more. Why should I break a nail every time I need to grab the dish soap when no child is in danger?
Bitter Betty . . . time for an attitude adjustment. I'm sure I will dream all night about my preconceptions, and conception, and let's hope this Stork can drop a baby in our cabbage patch soon.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Eternally "pregnant"

preg-nant - adj. - [preg-nuh nt]

1. having a child or other offspring developing in the body; with child or young, as a woman or female mammal. Okay - clearly that's not me

2. fraught, filled, or abounding (usually fol. by with): our life is currently pregnant with possibilities, about who will be coming into our family

3. teeming or fertile; rich (often fol. by in): my mind is pregnant in planning for a new child

4. full of meaning; highly significant: Adopting a child is surely a pregnant event

5. of great importance or potential; momentous: Finally adopting our child will be a very pregnant day (thank you

So who knew that 8 months after losing my last baby I'd be pregnant again. Of course this pregnancy doesn't really have a due date. And there are a few small details that make it unusual.

I have no way of knowing if we will get a boy or girl (ultrasound will not help!)

We don't know what size clothing or diapers we will need when we bring baby home.

Baby will already have a name - like it or not.

So how do you prepare for your bundle of joy to arrive???

Suggestions anyone . . . Bueller, anyone?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

the Sound of Dragging Feet

No, not the "pitter patter" as we had expected to have this year, all you can hear around our house lately is the sound of delays and avoidance. My "due date" for Blobby came and went in August without fanfare or even that many tears I guess. I had felt the need to "do something" a few months ago, so we signed up for an orientation at an adoption agency.
Neither of us felt really happy about the choice. It is a choice only out of eliminated options. Remaining childless as a couple still doesn't seem like the life I wanted, so adoption out of foster care is what is before us.Yes the awesome stepson is still around 50% of the time, but he is truly outnumbered by his parents, stepparents and grandparents, more kids are needed! We went ahead and completed the 9 weeks of classes this summer. Turns out to have been a very good choice and much easier to do when school is out.
I was surprised at how bad we both were about doing the homework and reading. My excuses? Well, I work in child welfare, I'm a pediatric nurse, I know all about this stuff, I had a crappy day at work hearing about abused kids I don't need to read more thank you very much. I don't know why the hubby is off his game, but I think he never was much for homework. I think both of us feel like we will deal with whatever comes our way, this is our child, with their own history and circumstances and we will deal with what arises just like other parents do.
Okay , Now I'm getting to the bottom of the feet dragging thing - I am pissed off that I have to jump through hoops to get a baby, when every other numbskull is popping out babies like Pez.
So far we have submitted 3 copies of fingerprints each, done multiple self reporting psychologic work sheets and suffered through some marginal presentations of truly disturbing information. The current hold up is on our personal "feeling" autobiographies. Oh yeah we have to write 4-10 pages about our lives/families and formative experiences. I have completed two paragraphs, hubby has done some as well. It's hard to think about what to put in, because ya know - social workers will be deciding if and what baby we can handle based on what we put out to the world.

It's a little more thought provoking than a back seat romp without birth control.

We have 1 make up class to do - sexual abuse on 10/6/09 - oh joy. We are committed to having our autobiographies written by then, unless we can figure out another delay tactic.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Estimated Date of Confinement, odd term huh? Due date is more common, but why be common. For me I thought my EDC of 8/18/09 would mean Extra Days of Crying, as if I don't cry enough.

But funny thing, the day came and went with few tears.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Life Saver

Most of my "peak experience" moments have come when I feel I have truly connected with another person. Being understood is so valuable to me. I've found connection in the mostly unlikely places - most recently at an RE's office.

This little man does not look like a miracle worker, but he is. Dr. V gives life. He does what he can to make a new baby life possible, and sometimes it actually works. He didn't help me get a baby, but he gave me my life back.

I met with him on 5/15/09, 10 weeks after they removed my "not a baby anymore" Blobby. DH and I have 7 frozen 2PN - that means fertilized eggs that have divided once, thus 2 cells now. Dr. V spent at least 2 hours with me running "what if" scenarios. What IF we ran every known test on me again, What IF we put me on Heparin even though there is no indication that it would help, What IF we stick the eggs in someone else's baby cooker, What IF we had $50,000 to throw at the problem, What IF I actually got pregnant again, What IF I went insane trying to believe my body could keep a baby alive longer than 14 weeks?

Every internet possibility was discussed. Finally we got down to what he thinks is going on. I can hardly believe he was actually willing to make and educated guess! I was totally seduced by this man. He started by telling me I knew more than most of the OB doctors who have treated me, and he respects that I was being logical while still having my emotions. I was crying the whole time of course. Oh my God he SOOOO gets me!

Then he crossed the line of self disclosure and I was completely melted. Dr. V told me "You remind me of my wife, our son has autism and she would do anything to to make him better." He started crying too, awwwww. "We have searched for answers and tried many things, but what are you going to do? We plan for his future the best way we know how."

It was such a moment of universal recognition of our commonality - I love those moments. All titles get dropped. No one has it worse than someone else. And somehow, even though we can't fix it for each other we have both been helped.

So I left, Dr. V said whatever we decide he would help me. And behind his little glasses, through his tears, he told ME to be strong.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Life after Death

It hit me a couple of weeks ago. Recovering emotionally from a miscarriage is very much like being in love and getting dumped

I remember the feeling so well. A rush of hormones. Your heart is beating faster. Every minute of thought is about "him." You practice writing names and planning your future together. Things and friends you have previously enjoyed are now less important. You gravitate towards friends who have boyfriends, because they will tolerate your detailed recounting of each moment you've known each other, and wait their turn to compare notes. Your hobbies get neglected, because you want to spend time with him. Internet searches all relate him, his interests, and the next fabulous home cooked meal you will make for him.

Your "single" friends may drift away, because there is another club you belong to, yes you are still single right now, but not for long right?? Plus you need to start modifying your life for the couple lifestyle. The "marrieds" are happy for you, some of the singles might be too, but some may avoid you to deal with their own issues. And all those changes are fine because this head rush of joy is what you've been after, finally.

Then it happens - dumped, who cares why, it hurts, it can't be changed. Maybe better luck next time, if there is a next time, they tell you it will be okay. Everyone supports you at first, the singles are so sorry, the marrieds too. Even casual work friends pat your back. You're are allowed to grieve for a time, others will listen, but there is time limit. It's not posted anywhere, but the social cues are loud and clear.

However you feel after the timer goes off needs to be kept inside now. Others want it all to return to "normal." Singles will welcome you back into the fold. Marrieds might see you as a threat to their way of life, a reminder that "it can happen to you too."

You might find yourself at a loss to remember what your life was like before "him." What did you do with your Friday nights? If we were still together, what would be happening now? What were my goals outside of this relationship?

Rereading this I can get very critical toward myself. Just like I used to beat myself up for falling so hard for a guy.

This baby was the center of our lives already. I don't care about other plans I had for myself. Hobbies were just killing time until a baby filled the time. Some mommy friends steer clear, not knowing what to say I guess, afraid I have some baby killing aura around me, or just not interested unless I am in their club. The singles who aren't TTC or haven't experienced TTC failures are sweet, but don't really get it.

TTCers get it, but what we "get" is knowing we can't really take pain away, well wishes and "baby dust" don't change outcomes and time doesn't heal all wounds. Miracles are out there, you'll easily find those stories.

But I am starting to feel the reality. Try, try again, doesn't work here. Some of us will never get what we wanted, and most that fall into that category just fade away. It's all too sad to be reminded of. Repeated failures without a happy ending is just not the American Way.

Friday, April 17, 2009

good bye "Blobby"

I am 6 weeks post a D & C that removed what was left of "Blobby" from my body. I started relaxing just like everyone tells you, finally I had made it out of the dreaded frist trimester, Victorious! 16 week fetus intact until 3/2/09, when the freaked out CNM still couldn't find a heartbeat on doppler. The vag cam showed a very still "Blobby" with no heartbeat. Call in the other doc to look, confirmed, dead "Blobby."

Hilarity ensued, cry cry cry, I'm so sorry, we don't know why, nothing you did or didn't do, more crying, husband wants a break, i want answers or action or some shred of hope. Back on zoloft. Damn I already rsvp'd to her shower! Must be strong, must be good wife, stepmom, friend, worker bee, wanna bee. Failure at all of the above, failed eggs, failed lining, failed womb.

Monday, February 16, 2009

No worries this week

Some how It's easier to write when you have things to complain about. I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. IVF really takes the mystery out of pregnancy, sure no guessing when this baby got started!
Mostly I have intermittent freak-outs because I feel so normal. Last week I called and got a doctor appointment, just to see if the baby was still really there. The doppler doesn't pick up my baby's heartbeat yet. Not sure if that's just due to my belly fat or what. So we wheeled in the US machine and there was "Blobby" our little super active fetus. "Blobby" moves so much we couldn't use the fancy machine to hear the heartbeat either. Being a nurse there are a few things I want to know every time - what's the heart rate and is the baby growing properly? "Blobby" moves too much to get these answers, sigh.
My current goal is to walk a little more than not at all, and hold out on freaking out until the next appointment - wish me luck!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Congrats its a fetus!

I had my first OB appointment at Kaiser at 9 weeks 1 day- OMG! Prior to the appointment there was much freaking out. I don't feel pregnant, I'm not barfing my guts out and sleeping all the time. I was dizzy for a week and felt kinda gaggy, but now not so much. Having lost 3 pregnancies very early on - I was expecting the worst. But now we are in uncharted territory - we have an official fetus instead of an embryo! The ultrasound (coochie cam) showed the little 2 cm bean, big head, and freaky little limbs right where it should be placenta and all. And then it wiggled - okay that was way cool! I return for the 12 week exam in early February. Question is - can I stay optimistic now that my only symptoms are food tastes funny, bad constipation, and a bit of sore boobs? Who am I kidding? I'm all over the place, but as always time will tell.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

no "man's" land

So here I sit in the world between the "really" pregnant people and my sisters in infertility land. I actually feel guilty for being pregnant when so many young, gorgeous, responsible women I have met are still struggling. Some days I feel sick and actually pregnant, but other days I feel fat and just know this pregnancy is not going to produce a baby. "Graduating" to the pregnancy after infertility group should be a good thing, but I can't stand to hear about baby clothes and finding out the sex right now, I'm not there.
I'm fighting those negative thoughts - it got the better of me yesterday afternoon. I was googling signs of miscarriage which led me to miscarriage remembrance gifts. Oh my god people - don't ever go there! I was planning out my bracelet that would contain birthstone for all my miscarriages, so far I have June, March and August. I had myself so worked up I called Kaiser trying to get an US today or anytime before my monday appointment. I'll hang on to my cell for dear life today waiting for the response to the urgent email the advice nurse sent to my doc.
I felt better after a good cry over how concerned the nurse was for me, sweetness always makes me cry. I sucked it up, dropped some visine, and went to science night. I had to be the dutiful stepmom until we got home and alone and I could confess my feelings to my husband in private.
Dang it! my phone just rang and i missed it!!! Private number - no message, argghh.