Wednesday, January 26, 2011

First weeks reflections

I love having Little Man here. He is a wonderful reminder to enjoy each moment because we do not know what the future holds.
A couple of weeks before we got our LM I was at work and had a terrible, sad, realization. I was in my cubicle which is situated just outside of a conference room. This room is the main place where social workers meet with parents who are at risk of losing their child or have already lost them and are working to get them back. These meetings are called for all parties involved to share information and to have some very "straight talk " about how things are going in the home and what needs to change for the child to go home. I have sat in on many meetings - usually when there is a health issue in question. The meetings are intense and often lots of tears are shed, maybe a little denial, hopefully some better understanding comes about. So this particular day the door opens and a woman is sobbing right outside my cubicle. The sobbing continues despite the "comforting" from the SW. Security is called, mental health is questioned, just because she said "why would I want to live if I can't have my baby?" I felt so sorry for her. Like a ton of bricks I realized my joy will not come without someone elses pain. I will not have a child without another family losing a child.
I feel very torn these days. I love LM. I want him to have a whole complete healthy family. I want his family to be successful and change their lives for his sake. And I want them to fail so he will never leave us. I want them to want LM to stay with us because they know it is best if they cannot make him safe.

Such a strange position to be in . . . .

How about a cute cat picture??  Lookee!


Yes - that is the old school desk I have restored! I kept it very rustic and the kitties think it's an awesome place to sit and look at birdies.

7 comments:

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

Well said. Enjoy your time with the little man. Are you allowed to post a photo?

Kelly said...

That is the hardest part of fostering to adopt for sure. You are so torn. We were picked for our daughter just before the TPR, as her foster mom was older and had decided it would be better for her to be adopted to a younger family.

I am glad that things are going well with LM.

Hope said...

It must be so heart-wrenching to have that realization. You really made me see both sides of the issue. My heart bleeds for you falling in love with a baby you may not get to keep, and for his biological family who must be missing him so much.

(ICLW #168)

Browniris said...

That does sound like a hard situation that would cause so many conflicting emotions. Hang in there!

ICLW

Logical Libby said...

I think there is nothing easy about the formation of any family. I think that we have to look at the love and hope to overcome the sadness and loss.

And I LOVE the desk. LOVE it.

Rachel said...

What a tough position to be in... one that I foresee myself being in as well in the not-too-distant future! What strength you have! Part of me wants to hope LMs family gets their crap together (& a bigger part of me hopes they don't so you can keep him!)

I'll be following along...

ICLW #131

Sara said...

Those are some tough ideas to reconcile. It's lovely that you are just being there for LM now while he needs you, and are open to continuing to be there for him for the rest of his life if he needs you, or to letting him go if he doesn't. Best of luck. You are a very brave woman.