close call for Dad

That is my Dad, not Hubby aka Daddy to our Little Man.

So it goes like this - on Mother's Day my Dad was so sick they went to urgent care. My Dad lives in North Carolina with my Mom who recently survived her second cancer (colon this time.) Both are in their early 70's and doing alright. So Dad had several tick bites over the last few weeks and now felt really crappy. Blood work showed he was VERY low in infection fighting white blood cells and also very low in plateletts that help you stop bleeding. The standard antibiotic was given assuming he may have one of the 10 possible infections carried by ticks. Dad got sicker and sicker and put in the hospital on Wednesday 5/11. Antibiotics were changed to IV and they seemed to do no good. Blood work was still very concerning. Oncologist came to see Dad, bone marrow aspiration was planned for 5/13/11. Just another reason I wanted to cruise through last friday. In my head I was signing - "Don't nobody bring me no bad news!"

Leukemia was the worst possibility, but I won't keep you in suspense the bone marrow was fine days later. Dad went home on monday feeling much better. I don't think we had a definitive diagnosis, but we all vote for the tick thing.

As for court last week - who knows. I wrote an informational letter to LM's attorney just to get it off my chest. We never heard if there was another continuance or if we had disposition. Now it is a week later and not a word from anyone. LM felt poorly over the weekend and then I got sick for the last few days. Looks like we are both better and happy to be heading into a weekend.

the one that got away



Bee, baby girl and Dorian kitten


We still have not spoke with our agency since giving back the baby. I guess because of the holiday and weekend. Not sure what we think of the whole situation and how to move on.
Many thoughts have come to mind, some of them actually NOT containing four letter words.
First of all I am thrilled to have had the opportunity to take care of a newborn in my home. I have lots of baby experience from my work, but this was so different. Hubby and I worked together like a well oiled machine. We are parental Rock Stars! After the initial buckling into the car seat I didn't have a moment of doubt. We could meet this baby's needs for ever and ever! I really had nothing but sympathy for the birth parents and was eager to take her on a visit so they could see she is well cared for.
Another realization - that might have been my only trip to a hospital to pick up a baby ever. Foster/adoption doesn't usually begin at the hospital. Really, baby girl should have gone to an emergency placement while they worked out who had claims on her. She took a detour to our house before landing with her already adopted sister.

This was amazing - It hit me last night.
I have never been able to pour that kind of love on anyone before. Hubby is different, stepson is different, kittens are different. Nothing is like mommy love on a baby. I feel like it's been pent up inside, eating at me. I didn't really know what that feeling was; like I had been wasting something. So part of me got a taste and I want more. Another part just wants to be satisfied with the little bit I got and end the suffering for myself and our family. We'll see.

I can haz bebe?

Well she's sleeping in her crib and the cats are very confused. We are happy.

putting on a show

Today we go to our third "Family Fair" at our agency. I didn't sleep well last night. I have had my clothing picked out for a week or so. I curled my hair with the special curling iron I bought yesterday. Not very impressed with my curling skill even though the iron is the best thing ever. I am wearing a great color. Hopefully I look like a mom. As I was picking my jewelry I had an A-HA moment. I am trying to be memorable, something other than us being the ONLY interracial couple. So I busted out my old oneness symbol. This is the symbol of the interfaith church I used to belong to, but it is also a beautiful symbol of peace amongst religions. Why today? It is a conversation starter. It sticks in people's heads. It is also a sweet reminder of so very wonderful times in my life.
I hope it helps.

cry baby

So if "paper pregnancies" were always 9 months I would be quickly approaching my due date. See the darling ticker on my sidebar. As we know paper pregnancies are never predictable, never premature, but often feel overdue!
Our new adoption Stork recently sent a flyer for a structured support group to run over 5 weeks. "Waiting for the Call" is just what it sounds like, and I felt like a complete idiot last week at our first meeting. At first I didn't even want to go. The topics for dicussion sound like an extended day at work for me. I already work in the child welfare system, I really prefer to forget about my work day after hours. But we didn't really have a reason not to go to the group and maybe somehow (insert magical thinking here) this is the ticket. The universe will see how deserving we are and grant us the perfect child because we are willing to go to this group that we really don't need, right?
As we sit in the room waiting for others to arrive I start getting teary. In case I haven't said it before - let it be known I am a big fat cryer!  The more I think about trying not to cry, the more I cry. Not a big sob, but the silent tears streaming down my face are unstoppable. The group is being lead by a social worker who has also adopted. We go around the room, intros, where are you in the process? and why you choose adoption and this agency? BECAUSE I am teary already the SW starts with me, WTF??? Way to put me on the spot. I am quite sure I had the ugly face cry going as I shared that we have been waiting 9 months since approval and over 18 months since we decided to adopt. I mentioned that we had done IVF and had 4 miscarriages. My husband chimed in that actually we have been trying to add to our family for over 4 years. The looks on the faces of the others was awful. Pity, I hate it.
The rest of the room - an older newly married couple beyond child bearing years, wanting an older sibling set, a single 40+ man and a single woman. Foster/adoption was the first choice for each of them. Subject for another day - how do you tell your adopted child they were not your first choice? Yep kiddo, it was either adopt you or remain childless.
At home I explained my crazy thoughts to my hubby. As I was crying and talking all I could think is that the group leader was going to report to our new Stork how obviously I am emotionally distrubed and we are NEVER going to get a kid - waaaahhh!

I lied

Ya'll probably saw right through it. I have not completed all the projects/tasks that I have wanted to finish before we get our child placed. I just feel like a cheesy whiney pity party right now.

Uhmmmm so, the other stuff I do besides whine and pout and complain about being well paid to do virtually nothing is to be CRAFTY. So I think I'll focus on that for a while, sound good people? I have been getting a little sick of myself.

Hard part is focusing long enough to complete a craft.

Here's a picture of a little shrine I made after one of my early miscarriages.

So in this little box we have a pear in the background and a shrinky dink baby hanging by a read thread. Written around the outside is a quote from Kurt Vonnegut. "I wanted all things to seem to make some sense, so we could all be happy, yes, instead of tense. And I made up lies, so they all fit nice, and I made this sad world a paradise."     

Here is a rare occaision to chime in - what project should I take on next?

A) Getting "Toe Sock Chicken" into production for my Etsy Store?

B) Scrapbooking our remodeling project that was mostly done 2 years ago?

C) OR finally refinishing the 1800s style school desk that is in pieces in the garage?

D) None of the above.

Happy ICLW everyone - looking forward to lots of good reading this week!

anxiety + anger = ?

Angriety? Anxiger?  All day I have been feeling this way. Could be the looming layoffs at work. Not me luckily, but many other great, hardworking people.

Probably displaced anger at my childless situation for which I of course blame myself. Also anxiety regarding the daily potential of getting THE CALL. And I'm not talking about becoming a preacher type, no sirree.

Most likely cause - The Bi-Annual Family Fair! (yeah - i think) So baby brokers from all over our area come to check out the Families who are studied and ready to receive babyness. We will be parading in at our assigned alphabetical time slot. Smiling, Waving, droping off our glossy family available papers and trying to make a good impression. Talk about a MEET market. I will post highlights in the next few days.

I need to go off to bed and dream about the perfect outfit that says "Mom."

the waiting (is the hardest part) Thank you Tom Petty

http://popup.lala.com/popup/432627077918673992

As yes - waiting waiting. Oh yeah, finally got to see the draft of our home study. I guess I was waiting for that to be final because THEN we could move along in this fost/adoption process.
Turns out to be rather anticlimactic. There are no revealing secrets about us. No confessions told by my darling husband or friends who vouched for us. Just a bare bones (actually kind of dull) read portraying a forty something couple with a teen 1/2 time child.
I guess it is like any relationship you are trying to get into - its not good to look desparate, right?
I read over the home study and thought "well yeah, I want a kid to come live with us forever and ever, but hey I have everything I need. Why mess up the staus quo?" If I was a social worker hunting for the perfect home for a child wouldn't I want to see more passion? Or does that read "crazy." Are we supposed to be objective? Stick to what ever is best for the child, regardless of our personal feelings?

How many objective mama's do we have out there? Let's see some hands . . .

Really? don't even try to tell me you don't go all "Mama Bear" if someone tries to get between you and your baby!! So how are we supposed to form a family with this new child and stay open to the idea that the child might have to go back to birth parents who hurt them in the first place?

If that's not crazy talk then I don't know what is. People are in this process everyday - I guess I will have to trust the unknown and our ability to deal with it.

So officially we could get a kid in our house any day now - or it could be months from now. Stay tuned.

preconceptions - why does everything relate to pregnancy?

So despite the dragging of feet we have been assigned a social worker. Let's call her the Stork. So tomorrow the Stork is coming to look at our house and talk about I really don't know what. I have officially lost the ability to get worked up over "company" seeing my dust bunnies. I don't know if that is an age thing, but I do know my dearest darling husband cares even less than I do. As long as we are all in agreement I'm cool. Let's hope the Stork feels the same. Our house is not child proof right now, but we have made our efforts. On his second try DDH got the locking cabinet installed and we have all the kid locks and outlet plugs, they just aren't out of the packages yet. I admit I feel a little bitter about preparing for a child who may not be here for another year or more. Why should I break a nail every time I need to grab the dish soap when no child is in danger?
Bitter Betty . . . time for an attitude adjustment. I'm sure I will dream all night about my preconceptions, and conception, and let's hope this Stork can drop a baby in our cabbage patch soon.

the Sound of Dragging Feet

No, not the "pitter patter" as we had expected to have this year, all you can hear around our house lately is the sound of delays and avoidance. My "due date" for Blobby came and went in August without fanfare or even that many tears I guess. I had felt the need to "do something" a few months ago, so we signed up for an orientation at an adoption agency.
Neither of us felt really happy about the choice. It is a choice only out of eliminated options. Remaining childless as a couple still doesn't seem like the life I wanted, so adoption out of foster care is what is before us.Yes the awesome stepson is still around 50% of the time, but he is truly outnumbered by his parents, stepparents and grandparents, more kids are needed! We went ahead and completed the 9 weeks of classes this summer. Turns out to have been a very good choice and much easier to do when school is out.
I was surprised at how bad we both were about doing the homework and reading. My excuses? Well, I work in child welfare, I'm a pediatric nurse, I know all about this stuff, I had a crappy day at work hearing about abused kids I don't need to read more thank you very much. I don't know why the hubby is off his game, but I think he never was much for homework. I think both of us feel like we will deal with whatever comes our way, this is our child, with their own history and circumstances and we will deal with what arises just like other parents do.
Okay , Now I'm getting to the bottom of the feet dragging thing - I am pissed off that I have to jump through hoops to get a baby, when every other numbskull is popping out babies like Pez.
So far we have submitted 3 copies of fingerprints each, done multiple self reporting psychologic work sheets and suffered through some marginal presentations of truly disturbing information. The current hold up is on our personal "feeling" autobiographies. Oh yeah we have to write 4-10 pages about our lives/families and formative experiences. I have completed two paragraphs, hubby has done some as well. It's hard to think about what to put in, because ya know - social workers will be deciding if and what baby we can handle based on what we put out to the world.

It's a little more thought provoking than a back seat romp without birth control.

We have 1 make up class to do - sexual abuse on 10/6/09 - oh joy. We are committed to having our autobiographies written by then, unless we can figure out another delay tactic.