Sunday, February 28, 2010

I am grateful

Over the past 4 weeks I have had nothing to complain about. Not that I no longer wallow in self pity, but I have been presented over and over again with knowledge that my woes are small by comparison.

I have seen friends and coworkers deal with the terror of a new diagnosis and the ravages of chronic medical conditions. I had a brief medical scare that was handled quickly and turned out to be minor, yeah for that. I have been waiting for the axe to drop on the necks of my coworkers while I sit with some security in my position for now.

Right now, we deal with the minor rebellion of an eighth grader every other week. Right now we need to clean up the yard. Right now I can go out drinking with my DH on a thursday night without finding a baby sitter. Right now I have minor aches and pains that come with being an out of shape 43 year old. Right now my DH has a good chance at getting a promotion and more $$ at work. Right now I have many crafty projects to choose from. Right now we are well and getting better.

I have walked past the empty crib in the freshly painted nursery day after day. I wonder who will ever use this crib again. I wonder if or when it might get used in our house, but I don't feel sad about it. I just wonder - what happens next?

Monday, February 8, 2010

the waiting (is the hardest part) Thank you Tom Petty

As yes - waiting waiting. Oh yeah, finally got to see the draft of our home study. I guess I was waiting for that to be final because THEN we could move along in this fost/adoption process.
Turns out to be rather anticlimactic. There are no revealing secrets about us. No confessions told by my darling husband or friends who vouched for us. Just a bare bones (actually kind of dull) read portraying a forty something couple with a teen 1/2 time child.
I guess it is like any relationship you are trying to get into - its not good to look desparate, right?
I read over the home study and thought "well yeah, I want a kid to come live with us forever and ever, but hey I have everything I need. Why mess up the staus quo?" If I was a social worker hunting for the perfect home for a child wouldn't I want to see more passion? Or does that read "crazy." Are we supposed to be objective? Stick to what ever is best for the child, regardless of our personal feelings?

How many objective mama's do we have out there? Let's see some hands . . .

Really? don't even try to tell me you don't go all "Mama Bear" if someone tries to get between you and your baby!! So how are we supposed to form a family with this new child and stay open to the idea that the child might have to go back to birth parents who hurt them in the first place?
If that's not crazy talk then I don't know what is. People are in this process everyday - I guess I will have to trust the unknown and our ability to deal with it.

So officially we could get a kid in our house any day now - or it could be months from now. Stay tuned.