settling in

Everything is still just ducky around here. I have just been trying to absorb the idea of our Little Man staying forever!! A social worker friend said she hopes birth mom doesn't get "wishy washy," and ya know, that did not bother me one bit. This is a big decision. Little Man is getting harder to care for not easier and I think birth mom sees that. It has not officially been put into the court record yet, but that is the next step.
She is also letting go of her baby items by passing them on to us. Last week we got 5 boxes of assorted stuff, blankets, newborn clothing, formula samples, baby beauty products, baby monitor, carrier, crib sheets, bottles, toys and books. I got teary sorting through the items and seeing the preparations that were being made. A few treasures were found. LMs hospital bracelet and a baby naming book with a hand written note. The note was baby name possibilities and the final name she decided on for our Little Man. It is so wonderful for him and us to have these things.

Little Man is now 6 months old, we go for immunizations today and i will update ya'll later on that. We are also outgrowing our first baby gear items. Off they go into the world of baby recycling! Stay tuned.

drum roll please!

We met with Birth Mom, her attorney and the county social worker today after their visit.

SHE ASKED US TO ADOPT Little Man!!!!! So officially she is giving up her rights to reunification services and designating us as the people she wants to adopt her child!!! Court will be scheduled for next week so they can make that part official. Then the 26 hearing for termination of parental rights. Noticing to 2 other potential fathers to come forward for testing. All in all a finalized adoption takes time, but we are well on our way!!!

She said she wanted him to have a good home and can see how bonded he is to us. She wanted to tell us herself. The first thing I said is "are you sure?" then Yes of course and Thank You was in there too. I can hardly believe it. I feel emotionally exhausted. Still there are many questions and details about continued contact for us to discuss. Visits are being decreased right away, so less disruption to LM's schedule.

It is no longer a fantasy - our LM is not going anywhere :o).  

OMG I just found this fortune on my desk - "Your dream will come true when you least expect it."  Wow.

wrapping up loose ends

. . . well that's what I WANT to do, but it's not gonna happen tonight.

I find myself waiting for news or answers so I can write a coherent post for ya'll. I want to wrap up my concerns and put a neat bow on them. I fear if I posted daily about the changes and details of our life it would be a horrible roller coaster ride!

But I do know a few things right now . . .
1.  I am not going to die right now from anything going on in "ma belleh" I had a CT scan this morning and everything looks normal. So my belly pains are unexplained, but as of today they are much better.

2.  I had a great interview last week! And right now I am waiting to get an official job offer. :o)

3.  LM had  roseola last week, but he is fine right now.

4.  Biggest news (and the cliff hanger until next post.) Birth Mom and her attorney want to meet with Hubby and I tomorrow after the baby's visit. The county Social Worker did not tell me what the meeting is about, but did say it not anything bad. Of course my mind is filling in the blanks and making up wonderful stories right now. Stay tuned.

Hey remember that Van Halen song

Van Halen - Right Now by VividJame

enjoy now until later

Wanting

Woke up feeling anxious.

Nasty weird dream about rain and our house floating off its foundation. Woke up feeling very unsettled. And tired. LM got up at 4:30 ish and just needed holding, I was sleepy, but it was nice. Okay the dream might be related to the "rain sound" CD that LM sleeps to and the novel I am reading The Children's Hospital, at any rate I woke with a feeling of anticipation and possible doom!

I WANT the new job. Today I go for the second interview to meet the big wigs.

I WANT LM to stay with us forever. Visits are to be increased and I am nervous about how it will all come together. December is the end of 6 months of services for Birth mom. LM will be almost 1 year old. I can't imagine him leaving us. I can't imagine him living in a home that is not ours. Way in the back of my brain I know it is possible, but in order to keep my sanity and care for my baby boy, I have to believe he is ours forever.

I will deal with reality when it changes.

Another hearing date

Getting dull for you all yet? Yes another hearing is set for this week 5/12/11. Maybe it won't be continued again, maybe it will. This time I am sort of afraid of the outcome. I know a grandma has asked for placement, but she previously said she could not do it. I have also "caught wind" that there is questions about why LM was placed with us, and out of his county of origin. I don't know why, but I hear mom's attorney is trying to imply we got placement as a favor because I know some of the county employees.

Bull Shit and distraction by a lawyer trying to buy time for the client. That's what I think anyway.

I want to get through thursday, and I am feeling like I don't want to answer the phone or go to a visit on friday.

I feel like a fake mom

Yes I do all the mothery things and I know I am THE MOTHER in the mind of our Little Man. At the same time there is still turmoil about LMs placement with us. I heard the birth mother's lawyer is arguing that the baby should not have been placed so far away. I also heard grandmother is interested in him now, when she already said she could not care for him. By the way, grandmother lives as far away as I do. All of this is a distraction from the real question - can birth mom be a Mom? How about leaving the boy in one spot so he can thrive until we get that question answered.

Yesterday as we made brunch for my mother in law and Granny I felt unable to soak in any praises I got for being a good mother. I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out and dump me on my ass.

Broken record

Yep you guessed it the, disposition hearing was continued again. Now until 4/7/11. I did find out the reason is related to something the birthmom doesn't want to do and CPS is asking for. Well hummm we'll all just ponder how that is going to play out. I don't know why I bother my pretty little head about these things. I have no way of knowing the decision making process in these types of situations. I can guess that safety of the child is the primary goal, not really quality of life.

When I think about how it is to be the birth mom I get sick. I hate to have such joy at the cost of someone else's pain. My ideal now would be to adopt little man with her blessing and be able to keep in touch with her and her family. Am I dreaming? We'll see. New Stork is going to attend the court hearing this week and report back to us. We also discussed filing for de facto parent status. It is something I need to research, but would give us a stronger legal standing.

On little man news - he is 3 months old! Over 16 pounds now, cooing, drooling and smiling like crazy. This weekend we had our first cold together, but he is much better already. I found a home daycare to begin in May when I have to return to the job I don't much care for anymore. I know daycare is a fact of life for many of the children in the USA, but wouldn't it be nice to have a government that supported a parent at home with the child for at least the first year of life? I am lucky that FMLA laws exsist and that I can afford to take off those 12 weeks. My work has made it clear that I must return when that time is up. No extended leave for me. I hope the transition and life in daycare is not too traumatic for him.

baby roulette

I feel like I am playing a game, trying to weigh the benefits vs. risks of putting everything I have into this baby boy. At first it seemed like a no brainer, easy, jump in give him everything and keep him forever. But things have started to change, not in my heart, but with the county who placed him with us.
Last friday I was told LM and his "mother" would be starting baby and me classes making his wednesday visit longer. I thought, oh Okay - so we can make his wednesday visit longer and drop the friday visit. Oh no, the person who supervises visits said "We really should be having 3 visits per week." Never mind the price of gas and my gussler car, but I was shooting for less visits NOT more!
I was in tears for the drive home friday and semi pissed off all weekend. I have to return to work in May. I was hoping we could be down to one visit per week and that Hubby and I could swing that. Should I go back sooner to hopefully save some of my time off for another placement? Is the county going to move the baby from our home because we are too far away to support reunification efforts? We are the only family LM knows. If he goes back home do we have a right to have placement later if she fails him again?
The child was remove from the mother in January and FINALLY the Jurisdiction/Disposition hearing is set to happen this thursday. We aren't allowed to go or to see the court documents, but there will be court orders that greatly effect our lives. It sounds horrible to have him move just because we are too far away and I have to go back to work. 3/21/11 our New Stork and the County SW will come to meet at our house and see LM in his home. I have know idea what things will look like by then.
It doesn't really matter that he is doing well in our care. Its all about getting him back to his birth mother. She didn't really do anything wrong, but she has an illness that needs to be under close control in order for LM to have a safe life with her. How do you measure that? The next few months may go well for her, but her life could easily fall apart. I just want him to have a good future life.
I think I have shot my wad gambling on this baby.