Welcome ICLW!

The three words I use to describe my blog are loss, adoption and craftiness.
Craftiness takes many forms and can be seen scattered throughout my blog. This little shrine was something I created after misscarriage # 2 or 3, I can't remember. The Artsy Fartsy page has some of my photos - I really should post more here.
Loss is from our 4 miscarriages that include failure of a donor egg pregnancy at 16 weeks. Loss also includes our fantasy about adoption.
We are fost/adoptive parents simply because we could not afford domestic adoption after spending so much on assorted ART. We also feel strongly about adopting close to home and are hoping to have a somewhat open relationship with birthparents of our forever child. Our fantasy was crushed back in November 2010 and we will never be the same.
Currently you can read here about Little Man! He is now 4.5 months old and has lived with us since he was 10 days old. He is a joy, HUGE, smiley, cuddly and a great sleeper. He is part of our family and we are loving every minute. He is placed with us through CPS of course and the legal process has been muddy at best. We knew his mother would get reunification services and we are rooting for her success. Problem is, it is 4 months since his placement and we don't have a plan from the court. LM visits his mom 3 days a week with supervision. He has had no contact with a father or any grandparents, BUT mom's attorney has asked for a trial contesting his placement with us and asking for LM to be placed with maternal grandmother. Current word is the trial on the placement issue will be next week 5/26/11 . Hold us in your thoughts. I have come to a calm place about the issue. I can do nothing, I don't know the whole story, justice and what is "right" is very subjective. So we live our lives - loving our baby boy as long as he is with us. Oh and I am actually excited to hear that 2 men are being tested for paternity. One we know is not the father, but the other might be.

Nothing is promised

Things change oh so quickly. I was feeling confident last week and just about to buy more furniture for LM's room. Yesterday that changed. My SW New Stork came for a visit - we have been ordered by the court to have 3 visits per week. Starting right now. Okay I am off for 2 more weeks before the return to work so I will work it out. Plan has been I will do friday visits, hubby will do wednesday visits and the agency will do the third. Well - New Stork is leaving town for another job. Both agencies are complaining about being short stafffed, so supervision is difficult.

This part pisses me off - a lack of visits therefore not following court orders makes the court pissy. I hear not everyone is pleased that Little Man is placed so far away, so we need to have visits be a non issue. So the systems BS could get this boy taken from the only home he has known so he can be closer.

Another bomb dropped, grandmother is now requesting placement. I have no idea if this is a real threat to us or not. I know the court favors relatives and not much weight is given to the child's bonding in foster care.

I've been a very good mother to LM, better than I thought. I don't know how to handle this new turn.

baby roulette

I feel like I am playing a game, trying to weigh the benefits vs. risks of putting everything I have into this baby boy. At first it seemed like a no brainer, easy, jump in give him everything and keep him forever. But things have started to change, not in my heart, but with the county who placed him with us.
Last friday I was told LM and his "mother" would be starting baby and me classes making his wednesday visit longer. I thought, oh Okay - so we can make his wednesday visit longer and drop the friday visit. Oh no, the person who supervises visits said "We really should be having 3 visits per week." Never mind the price of gas and my gussler car, but I was shooting for less visits NOT more!
I was in tears for the drive home friday and semi pissed off all weekend. I have to return to work in May. I was hoping we could be down to one visit per week and that Hubby and I could swing that. Should I go back sooner to hopefully save some of my time off for another placement? Is the county going to move the baby from our home because we are too far away to support reunification efforts? We are the only family LM knows. If he goes back home do we have a right to have placement later if she fails him again?
The child was remove from the mother in January and FINALLY the Jurisdiction/Disposition hearing is set to happen this thursday. We aren't allowed to go or to see the court documents, but there will be court orders that greatly effect our lives. It sounds horrible to have him move just because we are too far away and I have to go back to work. 3/21/11 our New Stork and the County SW will come to meet at our house and see LM in his home. I have know idea what things will look like by then.
It doesn't really matter that he is doing well in our care. Its all about getting him back to his birth mother. She didn't really do anything wrong, but she has an illness that needs to be under close control in order for LM to have a safe life with her. How do you measure that? The next few months may go well for her, but her life could easily fall apart. I just want him to have a good future life.
I think I have shot my wad gambling on this baby.

Carly's Story

Our very old kitty was put to rest October 2nd. I have already been out shopping for a new cat of course. This burning need of mine to push down the empty place left by our last cat sparked an emotional conversation with my husband. But more on that later - this is Carly's story.

Spring 1991 I went to our local SPCA looking for an orange tiger cat. I had been catless since graduating college a little over a year before. The current boyfriend came with me and pointed out a yowling kitten who was hanging on the side of her cage. "Hey this one has an orange leg." Nope I wanted and orange tom cat, cheaper to fix. I walked over to the cage and right away the kitten claws were in my sweater through the bars. She was not letting me get away. So papers were completed and the crazy kitten came home.

I had never had a cat with this coloration - tortishell with tabby stripes, a Torbie they say. I had no idea at the time, but it is well know that these little girl cats come with a very chatty "Torbie-tude." One of our vets said they are the crabby little old ladies of the cat world, and in fact one of Carly's nicknames was Crabby Patty.

As a kitten Carly never walked, she was either running, climbing or asleep. Even when sleeping she seemed to rest with one eye open. This was not a cat you could sneak up on.

Early in her life I almost lost her. My tiny apartment back yard seemed secure enough so I'd let her go outside for bits of time and one evening she didn't come back. She was gone with nothing but a flea collar on. I had written her name and my phone number inside of the flea collar, but other than that she was just a stray cat now. 

Our search efforts were in vain, until about 4 months later when a phone call came. Turns out Carly had been living an alternate hippie lifestyle about 10 blocks away and was now know as Daisy. The people who had taken her in never thought to look inside her collar until she began to outgrow it months later.

Carly picked up some street skills during her time living as "Daisy." Over the years she had come to be know as "The O.C." as in The Original Cat. She preferred to be the only cat in our house. Little did I know her preference to be the queen would drive her to murder! Oh she was a clever one, her paws were never bloodied, but other cats were in danger in our house.

First there was Pepper a sweet innocent "Nermal" type. One morning I found his little body in our side yard limp and lifeless. Weeks later I came home to an awful sight my big grey tabby Grady had been attacked by two dogs in my backyard. Turns out they were also responsible for the death of Pepper. Where was Carly in all this? Carly spent her days sleeping on the roof well out of danger. Those dogs? - Hired killers I say!

Once again Carly was the only cat, but life changed again. Divorce. I left the house and yard that Carly loved and left her with my soon to be ex. The ex moved his girlfriend in and her cat, who mysteriously disappeared in a matter of weeks - go figure :o).

I had acquired two kittens (Huey and Bianca) after leaving the house and Carly behind. More than a year later I got a call to come get my cat or she was headed for the pound. Carly and I were reunited once again. Well on my way to being a crazy cat lady I decided three cats was not enough and added a rabbit to the mix.

Carly laid low for several years. I think she was gaslighting Bianca. Bianca was an odd eyed white beauty with a personality disorder. Carly knew how to push her buttons. Over the years Bianca became so badly behaved that she became our "garage kitty." I'll never know exactly what happened, but Bianca went missing and was found later curled up on the front porch. She looked peaceful, but was indeed dead with not a scratch on her. Carly seemed pleased. The rabbit was next in a matter of months.

Huey was a big dopey Black and White cat who greeted everyone at the door. Our little family met a wonderful man who had his own cat Xeno. Next came marriage and we all moved in together. Xeno was 3 years older than Carly with failing eyesight and poor hearing. I don't know if Xeno ever knew there were two other cats in the house. Carly decided to live in the basement at first. Huey avoided Xeno and it seemed like everyone was happy. Poor Huey got sick, some sort of cancer. I tried to treat it for a while, but he was miserable. I don't think I can blame Carly for Huey's illness, but she sure was happy to have him gone.

Carly came out of the basement and Xeno still did not notice her. Carly would arch her back and hiss at Xeno as he calmed walked by her. She didn't know what to think. Surely this ultra cool cat was some sort of ninja! Xeno was a large smokey black cat with a siamese face and yowl. Eventually age got the better of Xeno and he passed at the ripe old age of 21.

For a couple of weeks after Carly found herself all alone in the house she would walk by Xeno's bed and hiss. Carly finally discovered she had cleared the building and came out of the basement for good. Now that the house was clear she was going to take on the yard. At 7 pounds and shrinking Carly had a big cat voice and the spunk to put up a good act. We did not let her fight the neighborhood cats or the friend's dogs who only wanted to cuddle up to her or play. Lucky Carly Kitty she got to live out her last years as the queen of the castle, eating all of the tuna she could keep down.

Our dear friend Jane watched over Carly while we took our summer trip to the beach. Jane made up a little song to sing to Carly:

Carly is a pretty kitty

She’s a pretty kitty, Carly kitty.

Carly doesn’t have a kidney.

It’s a bummer not to have a kidney.

Carly has a bunch of tumors.

It’s a bummer to have lots of tumors.

Carly says it sucks to get old.

It really sucks to get old Carly kitty.

We will miss you Carly kitty.

We will truly miss you Carly kitty.

Carly is a pretty kitty.

She’s a pretty kitty, Carly kitty.

Isn't that the sweetest?? I loved it. I had heard it before without the "we will miss you" part. Carly loved it too, just like an old crabby sarcastic lady would!
 
Oh, and "Hi" ICLWers . . . Really it's not always like this, but my cat just died and I'd rather not think about how long we have waited for an adoptive placement or the 4 babies we have lost. And back to the emotional discussion hubby and I had. Hubby said he has not differentiated waiting for this child from waiting for a successful pregnancy or delivery. He said he's been waiting for four years already :o(. I guess I forgot while I was "doing" this or that treatment, he's been waiting for our baby. And so we continue to wait.