Sunday, December 28, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
I wake up today feeling overweight, not pregnant. I am trying to believe that the embryos I know are there and had a good start, are still there. Safe at the bottom of the canyon, untouchable and thriving.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Last week I was freaking out that the first two numbers were good, but I assumed things would go downhill as before. So I went in early for a third test that was awesome. So I told my husband I promise to chill out now.
Having the curse of knowing too much and seeing too many of the things that can go wrong in a pregnancy and with babies' lives is working against me. I must vow to take this journey moment by moment and remember most things go quite well. Life is precious and durable or else we wouldn't have made it this far.
I still feel I am in no man's land - no pregnancy announcement is appropriate at this time. But my infertility sisters consider me "graduated." I guess it is like HS graduation, but you didn't get into college yet - still waiting for the acceptance or rejection letter. Maybe I'll get a job in fast food to kill the waiting time. :o)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The real mind#%*k with IVF is that worse than yes or no, there is such a thing as kind of pregnant. Maybe the labs don't look so good, but not really bad, so you continue to hope or cry, but you just have to get more blood drawn and wait.
For Saturday I will have the clinic call my husband at home. I will be helping a friend at her child's birthday party (an 8 yr old IVF twin!) Then after the party is over I will go home and hear the news. Or maybe I'll go see a movie, drive to Nevada, forget where I live - that will stop Saturday from coming for sure!
Yeah I can wait, at least today I can say I am pregnant until proven otherwise.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Am I trying to influence the outcome by choosing to thaw 7? What a freak I am.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I had not even considered this . . . awesome I guess, what about all the shots? I haven't been on anything, uh sure I guess we can. So the real beauty is I have now avoided all of the anxiety of cycle preparation and wondering if my body can be ready for an embryo. Yeah!! The plan goes like this - I had a big fat follicle on cycle day 13, but no LH surge yet, so they gave me a shot of HSG. I got back on the prenatal vitamin bandwagon and am taking daily aspirin. I told the Dr. I want 7 embryos thawed so we are assured of getting one or two day 5 blasts. He wanted to thaw 4, but I told him, we aren't doing this much longer, this might be my last try regardless of the outcome. Tonight I begin my medrol and antibiotic for a transfer next week. Day 3 would be Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but i am shooting for Black Friday. This gives it a whole new meaning . . . I guess I'm not going shopping :o(. At very least I will have more pictures of embryos to post.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
So I have been down this road, here are my last two potential children. Aren't they cute? But they didn't "stick" around long enough to be anything other than what you see here. 16 + cells all together. Oh well.
It has taken 8 months to get to try again with new little cells. Last week I was told my uterus was not looking so hot, the cushy, nourishing lining was only 6 mm thick, really they like to see 8 mm and over. Does 2 mm really make a difference? I guess so when you are only 8 cells big. If I'm not ready for the embryos then they can be frozen for another time - not everyone will survive the freeze, but we have a good chance to get a couple for the "transfer." Transfer makes them sound like they are moving to a new place for a better job. Is being my child the new job assignment they want?? My real concern is can we get my lining ready.
Last time I was at 7 mm and we made a game plan to throw as much estrogen at my lining as they can and hope for the best. I got an extra week of shots in my hip, twice daily pills and just added progesterone suppositories. (For the uninitiated that's for the vagina not your butt.) What didn't happen until last thursday was to take a look and see how the plan was working. I should have asked to be checked sooner - the clinic should have thought of that too, but here we are.
In the morning we look again and make decisions - this is the worst part of IVF. The decisions are such giant mind f#%ks. I'd like the doctors to tell me this is good or that is bad, but that is never the answer. I know I am paying for this "service" but I don't want to be calling the shots - that's what i pay them for!! So if i show up tomorrow with a 6 mm lining and I want to go ahead right now - they'll do it. If I get to 8 mm and want to cancel to see if i can do better later - they'll do it. Then of course there are the financial considerations.
I don't know what I am hoping will happen tomorrow. I was hanging on to the idea that no matter the result i was done with IVF after this cycle. I was finding some peace in being done. Now, I don't know . . . I am not a quitter, but I am tired.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
I'm trying to remember that lesson from Squeak - even though each piece of my life is not a masterpiece there is at least a little bit in each part that I love.