Tuesday, November 9, 2010

cry baby

So if "paper pregnancies" were always 9 months I would be quickly approaching my due date. See the darling ticker on my sidebar. As we know paper pregnancies are never predictable, never premature, but often feel overdue!
Our new adoption Stork recently sent a flyer for a structured support group to run over 5 weeks. "Waiting for the Call" is just what it sounds like, and I felt like a complete idiot last week at our first meeting. At first I didn't even want to go. The topics for dicussion sound like an extended day at work for me. I already work in the child welfare system, I really prefer to forget about my work day after hours. But we didn't really have a reason not to go to the group and maybe somehow (insert magical thinking here) this is the ticket. The universe will see how deserving we are and grant us the perfect child because we are willing to go to this group that we really don't need, right?
As we sit in the room waiting for others to arrive I start getting teary. In case I haven't said it before - let it be known I am a big fat cryer!  The more I think about trying not to cry, the more I cry. Not a big sob, but the silent tears streaming down my face are unstoppable. The group is being lead by a social worker who has also adopted. We go around the room, intros, where are you in the process? and why you choose adoption and this agency? BECAUSE I am teary already the SW starts with me, WTF??? Way to put me on the spot. I am quite sure I had the ugly face cry going as I shared that we have been waiting 9 months since approval and over 18 months since we decided to adopt. I mentioned that we had done IVF and had 4 miscarriages. My husband chimed in that actually we have been trying to add to our family for over 4 years. The looks on the faces of the others was awful. Pity, I hate it.
The rest of the room - an older newly married couple beyond child bearing years, wanting an older sibling set, a single 40+ man and a single woman. Foster/adoption was the first choice for each of them. Subject for another day - how do you tell your adopted child they were not your first choice? Yep kiddo, it was either adopt you or remain childless.
At home I explained my crazy thoughts to my hubby. As I was crying and talking all I could think is that the group leader was going to report to our new Stork how obviously I am emotionally distrubed and we are NEVER going to get a kid - waaaahhh!


Logical Libby said...

You'll get a kid. And don't worry that adoption wasn't your first choice, I doubt being adopted would have been their first choice either. However, then you realize that's how it was always meant to be.

Flmgodog said...

I do hope you get your wish of a little girl before Christmas.I am crossing all appendages possible for you and hubby.

Kelly said...

I will second the, "You'll get a kid!" Really just when we least expected our little Mea, is when we got the call. We had just decided to go for a younger child, we had just decided to come back from our "break" after having our foster son in our care, and then came the call. Actually not even just for Mea, when they called us for her, they had 2 other adoption placements they were looking for forever families for.

It's more then okay to cry, it's hard, the whole process. Even when you get there sometimes, but it will be so worth it, and so worth the wait!