cry baby

So if "paper pregnancies" were always 9 months I would be quickly approaching my due date. See the darling ticker on my sidebar. As we know paper pregnancies are never predictable, never premature, but often feel overdue!
Our new adoption Stork recently sent a flyer for a structured support group to run over 5 weeks. "Waiting for the Call" is just what it sounds like, and I felt like a complete idiot last week at our first meeting. At first I didn't even want to go. The topics for dicussion sound like an extended day at work for me. I already work in the child welfare system, I really prefer to forget about my work day after hours. But we didn't really have a reason not to go to the group and maybe somehow (insert magical thinking here) this is the ticket. The universe will see how deserving we are and grant us the perfect child because we are willing to go to this group that we really don't need, right?
As we sit in the room waiting for others to arrive I start getting teary. In case I haven't said it before - let it be known I am a big fat cryer!  The more I think about trying not to cry, the more I cry. Not a big sob, but the silent tears streaming down my face are unstoppable. The group is being lead by a social worker who has also adopted. We go around the room, intros, where are you in the process? and why you choose adoption and this agency? BECAUSE I am teary already the SW starts with me, WTF??? Way to put me on the spot. I am quite sure I had the ugly face cry going as I shared that we have been waiting 9 months since approval and over 18 months since we decided to adopt. I mentioned that we had done IVF and had 4 miscarriages. My husband chimed in that actually we have been trying to add to our family for over 4 years. The looks on the faces of the others was awful. Pity, I hate it.
The rest of the room - an older newly married couple beyond child bearing years, wanting an older sibling set, a single 40+ man and a single woman. Foster/adoption was the first choice for each of them. Subject for another day - how do you tell your adopted child they were not your first choice? Yep kiddo, it was either adopt you or remain childless.
At home I explained my crazy thoughts to my hubby. As I was crying and talking all I could think is that the group leader was going to report to our new Stork how obviously I am emotionally distrubed and we are NEVER going to get a kid - waaaahhh!

the waiting (is the hardest part) Thank you Tom Petty

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As yes - waiting waiting. Oh yeah, finally got to see the draft of our home study. I guess I was waiting for that to be final because THEN we could move along in this fost/adoption process.
Turns out to be rather anticlimactic. There are no revealing secrets about us. No confessions told by my darling husband or friends who vouched for us. Just a bare bones (actually kind of dull) read portraying a forty something couple with a teen 1/2 time child.
I guess it is like any relationship you are trying to get into - its not good to look desparate, right?
I read over the home study and thought "well yeah, I want a kid to come live with us forever and ever, but hey I have everything I need. Why mess up the staus quo?" If I was a social worker hunting for the perfect home for a child wouldn't I want to see more passion? Or does that read "crazy." Are we supposed to be objective? Stick to what ever is best for the child, regardless of our personal feelings?

How many objective mama's do we have out there? Let's see some hands . . .

Really? don't even try to tell me you don't go all "Mama Bear" if someone tries to get between you and your baby!! So how are we supposed to form a family with this new child and stay open to the idea that the child might have to go back to birth parents who hurt them in the first place?

If that's not crazy talk then I don't know what is. People are in this process everyday - I guess I will have to trust the unknown and our ability to deal with it.

So officially we could get a kid in our house any day now - or it could be months from now. Stay tuned.