Wednesday, December 1, 2010

the one that got away

Bee, baby girl and Dorian kitten

We still have not spoke with our agency since giving back the baby. I guess because of the holiday and weekend. Not sure what we think of the whole situation and how to move on.
Many thoughts have come to mind, some of them actually NOT containing four letter words.
First of all I am thrilled to have had the opportunity to take care of a newborn in my home. I have lots of baby experience from my work, but this was so different. Hubby and I worked together like a well oiled machine. We are parental Rock Stars! After the initial buckling into the car seat I didn't have a moment of doubt. We could meet this baby's needs for ever and ever! I really had nothing but sympathy for the birth parents and was eager to take her on a visit so they could see she is well cared for.
Another realization - that might have been my only trip to a hospital to pick up a baby ever. Foster/adoption doesn't usually begin at the hospital. Really, baby girl should have gone to an emergency placement while they worked out who had claims on her. She took a detour to our house before landing with her already adopted sister.

This was amazing - It hit me last night.
I have never been able to pour that kind of love on anyone before. Hubby is different, stepson is different, kittens are different. Nothing is like mommy love on a baby. I feel like it's been pent up inside, eating at me. I didn't really know what that feeling was; like I had been wasting something. So part of me got a taste and I want more. Another part just wants to be satisfied with the little bit I got and end the suffering for myself and our family. We'll see.


Logical Libby said...

I am so sorry. I could say a bunch of things that I would hope would make you feel better -- but they wouldn't. It sucks, and it hurts, and there is nothing more to it than that.

Know I am thinking of you.

Melissa G said...

Hi there, I'm new to your blog and just read about the horrendous few days you've been through - I'm so, SO sorry... What a cruel turn of events.

Rachel said...

It's not fair and I'm so, so sorry. I know this must be an extraordinarily diffuclt time for you...hang in there.

Marianne said...

Stopping by from LFCA to tell you how sorry I am.

Kelly said...

There is nothing like that Mamma love. You will get it for real and final soon. Hang in there Bee, your baby is out there waiting for you.

Lut C. said...

This is such a powerful post.

When I think of adopting, this has to be one of my top horror scenarios. Having to give a baby (or child) back.

Anger and grief are only natural and you have my sympathies. After all, you have lost the opportunity to parent this baby.

I hope your dream will come true in the near future.

(Arrived here from the Crème de la Crème list.)

Sara said...

This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that your agency let you down like that. I was happy to see that you have received another placement. I hope things work out for the best.

(here from creme)