a mother for 45 hours

I had not sat down to give you all details and pictures of our new baby because we were busy, busy and tired.
But today things took a terrible turn for us.
I had agreed to take the baby girl to a visit at her home county office 60 miles from my home. Little sleep last night, but we were on the road at 8:45 and made it to the 10 am visit. I handed the baby over and her SW needed to talk to me. We knew our baby had a two year old sibling and I specifically asked if they had been ruled out for placement when they offered the baby to us. Apparently I know the rules better than the social workers because they told me we were good to go. Not so much. At 10:15 I get told we have to give the baby to the other family, and the sooner the better.
I was alone, hubby and stepson at home prepping for Thanksgiving. I had to drive home in holiday traffic, while sobbing and talking to myself. Then break the news to my husband who is scooping up the baby and telling her he has missed "his girl." He was dumb founded, pissed off and called the agency. No one can say anything except sorry. Our agency doesn't "transport" but my husband was so sad and I am glad he stood his ground. He told them we would bring them the baby and they could work out getting the baby to the other family. I had more time to absorb the situation, Hubby and son were sobbing as we fed her and took goodbye pictures. Keeping her any longer would have made it worse I think. So at 2 pm this afternoon we took her to our agency and handed her over to our SW.
For the last kick in the groin? They needed to borrow our car seat for her - yeah awesome.

I can haz bebe?

Well she's sleeping in her crib and the cats are very confused. We are happy.

Holy Cow

I am somewhere between thrilled and about to cry and OMG I'm gonna throw up.
New Stork just called - 3 day old baby at the hospital needs to go home today - very low risk of reunification.
Crap I gotta buy a car seat. ANybody have that list of things to buy??

Happy ICLW and american Thanksgiving

Short summary -
Married and TTC since 2006 at the ripe old age of 40. All my numbers looked good, SA awesome. One pregnancy on our own - very early miscarriage.
6 IUIs with injectables resulted in 2 pregnancies one lost at 9 weeks, one with no heartbeat at 7 weeks.
All miscarriage blood work is normal. The REs decide donor eggs are the ticket for us.
First donor egg cycle - not many eggs, fresh transfer = BFN (there goes all our money)
Second donor egg cycle (shared the donor with another couple) got 14 (2pn) put away in the freezer. No fresh transfer because lucky me I react poorly to Lupron and it makes my lining thin!
November 2008 - transferred 2 day 5 blasts after thawing and growing 7 of the 2pns. Pregnant at last with a 26 year old egg!
Biting fingernails for week after week - finally starting to relax after asking for US at 13 weeks. 16 week check up baby is dead and shrinking. D&C done March 2009, and so are we.
After much discussion - we decided to move ahead with fost/adopt classes and flush the other 7 2pns. We just can't put another dime into this.
February 2010 - approved home study and officially waiting - again??  Waiting for what now? Well who knows, stay tuned and find out.
Lately I have been trying to remember what I did before thinking about pregnancy and babies all the time. Oh yeah I was obsessed about our wedding! But before 2006 I did have a life I swear. Here and there in my blog you'll see my crafty projects and baked goodies. Hoping to rediscover my lighter side and my artsy side. I need a break from waiting and wanting!

putting on a show

Today we go to our third "Family Fair" at our agency. I didn't sleep well last night. I have had my clothing picked out for a week or so. I curled my hair with the special curling iron I bought yesterday. Not very impressed with my curling skill even though the iron is the best thing ever. I am wearing a great color. Hopefully I look like a mom. As I was picking my jewelry I had an A-HA moment. I am trying to be memorable, something other than us being the ONLY interracial couple. So I busted out my old oneness symbol. This is the symbol of the interfaith church I used to belong to, but it is also a beautiful symbol of peace amongst religions. Why today? It is a conversation starter. It sticks in people's heads. It is also a sweet reminder of so very wonderful times in my life.
I hope it helps.

more craftiness

I cannot take full credit for this back yard art, but I am very proud.  Hubby and I are at the end of our remodeling and with the help of IVF also at the end of free flowing cash. SO we have become more creative in our use and reuse of building materials.

Without further delay I bring you Backyard Door Fence! The doors were leftovers from our remodel and also solid doors I purchased from Urban Ore in Berekley CA. A solid wood fence over 8 feet high WAY cheaper than any other type of fence we could erect. (snork, hee hee, I said erect)

Fueled by beer and snacks our friends came over to decorate the salvaged doors. The paint was cheap "oops" paint from the local big box hardware. Each door is a completely unique creation, we gave no parameters and look at the result! Since the painting frenzy day more details have been added. Look forward to a post with some closeups.  AND as for the old school desk . . . wood parts are refurbished and inside protected from the elements. Hopefully this weekend I can clean up the metal legs and put it all together. Stay tuned.

cry baby

So if "paper pregnancies" were always 9 months I would be quickly approaching my due date. See the darling ticker on my sidebar. As we know paper pregnancies are never predictable, never premature, but often feel overdue!
Our new adoption Stork recently sent a flyer for a structured support group to run over 5 weeks. "Waiting for the Call" is just what it sounds like, and I felt like a complete idiot last week at our first meeting. At first I didn't even want to go. The topics for dicussion sound like an extended day at work for me. I already work in the child welfare system, I really prefer to forget about my work day after hours. But we didn't really have a reason not to go to the group and maybe somehow (insert magical thinking here) this is the ticket. The universe will see how deserving we are and grant us the perfect child because we are willing to go to this group that we really don't need, right?
As we sit in the room waiting for others to arrive I start getting teary. In case I haven't said it before - let it be known I am a big fat cryer!  The more I think about trying not to cry, the more I cry. Not a big sob, but the silent tears streaming down my face are unstoppable. The group is being lead by a social worker who has also adopted. We go around the room, intros, where are you in the process? and why you choose adoption and this agency? BECAUSE I am teary already the SW starts with me, WTF??? Way to put me on the spot. I am quite sure I had the ugly face cry going as I shared that we have been waiting 9 months since approval and over 18 months since we decided to adopt. I mentioned that we had done IVF and had 4 miscarriages. My husband chimed in that actually we have been trying to add to our family for over 4 years. The looks on the faces of the others was awful. Pity, I hate it.
The rest of the room - an older newly married couple beyond child bearing years, wanting an older sibling set, a single 40+ man and a single woman. Foster/adoption was the first choice for each of them. Subject for another day - how do you tell your adopted child they were not your first choice? Yep kiddo, it was either adopt you or remain childless.
At home I explained my crazy thoughts to my hubby. As I was crying and talking all I could think is that the group leader was going to report to our new Stork how obviously I am emotionally distrubed and we are NEVER going to get a kid - waaaahhh!

fuzzy love

 So here's our newest additions - two boys, each about 4 months old. Sweet as pie when sleepy and tearing each other apart when awake.

I don't think we'll be having a Christmas tree this year. Or maybe I can just decorate it with cat toys.

Dorian is the grey baby and Jack is the sleek black boy. It is so wonderful to have more life in the house. It was far too quite and empty this past month. I am going to live in my little world of denial for a bit longer. You know what? Maybe I don't even want a baby anymore. Babies can't even purr! Is anyone buying this? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I got bummed the other day because our SW emailed to sign us up for the "waiting families" support group and to tell us about the next Family Fair at our agency this month. I don't really want to be reminded that we are waiting still. And I am afraid to be recognized at the Family Fair as an "old family." I can just picture the interactions with county SWs. "Oh yes, I remember your family from the last Fair . . . well you'll get your match eventually." This is worse than being picked last for dodge ball. Just throw the ball at my head now, let's get it over with!

I haz two kittehs!

I promise pictures soon! We adopted two little boy cats last Friday. The adjustment to each other and our house has been very fast. My house plants are in danger, but my dusty corners are clean! One forgets how easy the old cats are compared to active climbing kittens!

more soon . . .