I don't know what I want . . .

So I have been down this road, here are my last two potential children. Aren't they cute? But they didn't "stick" around long enough to be anything other than what you see here. 16 + cells all together. Oh well.

It has taken 8 months to get to try again with new little cells. Last week I was told my uterus was not looking so hot, the cushy, nourishing lining was only 6 mm thick, really they like to see 8 mm and over. Does 2 mm really make a difference? I guess so when you are only 8 cells big. If I'm not ready for the embryos then they can be frozen for another time - not everyone will survive the freeze, but we have a good chance to get a couple for the "transfer." Transfer makes them sound like they are moving to a new place for a better job. Is being my child the new job assignment they want?? My real concern is can we get my lining ready.

Last time I was at 7 mm and we made a game plan to throw as much estrogen at my lining as they can and hope for the best. I got an extra week of shots in my hip, twice daily pills and just added progesterone suppositories. (For the uninitiated that's for the vagina not your butt.) What didn't happen until last thursday was to take a look and see how the plan was working. I should have asked to be checked sooner - the clinic should have thought of that too, but here we are.

In the morning we look again and make decisions - this is the worst part of IVF. The decisions are such giant mind f#%ks. I'd like the doctors to tell me this is good or that is bad, but that is never the answer. I know I am paying for this "service" but I don't want to be calling the shots - that's what i pay them for!! So if i show up tomorrow with a 6 mm lining and I want to go ahead right now - they'll do it. If I get to 8 mm and want to cancel to see if i can do better later - they'll do it. Then of course there are the financial considerations.

I don't know what I am hoping will happen tomorrow. I was hanging on to the idea that no matter the result i was done with IVF after this cycle. I was finding some peace in being done. Now, I don't know . . . I am not a quitter, but I am tired.