7 weeks

Last week we saw 2 gestational sacs and one had a heartbeat. The doctor said sometimes its too early to see the other one. I think we will only have one continue - that's fine with us, but I so want this one to be our baby. We'll have more answers at the US on monday morning.

pregnant until proven otherwise

I'm trying to hang on to this idea. I am pregnant, I am pregnant - okay yes it's a 6 week pregnancy, most people don't even know they are pregnant at this point. The US is today and I want to see a beating heart.

to be continued

I saw Zebras in the canyon.

The dream I remember from last night was about moving into a tri level apartment. Not sure why, but recall knowing that it was temporary and I'd be moving back home with my husband after some time. Outside of the apartment, in the backyard was a canyon. It was like the Grand Cayon, beautiful anf very deep. Other neighbors were outside and told me about the women's walking trail around the canyon rim. I saw two women hiking the trail with climbing equipment. The trail was clearly dangerous and the neighbors said people die on it all the time. I saw the women scramble over gaps in the trail where rocks had fallen away. "No Way man, not for me" is all I could think. I inched closer to the edge to seen more of the canyon and the river that was at it's bottom. Drinking from the river were 2 zebras. Someone said they've been there for a long time and no one can catch them. The were safe and happy at the bottom of the canyon.
I wake up today feeling overweight, not pregnant. I am trying to believe that the embryos I know are there and had a good start, are still there. Safe at the bottom of the canyon, untouchable and thriving.

5 weeks pregnant WTF???

I mean it's good, but it hasn't sunk in yet. A week from monday we will have the 6 week US and hopefully see a strong heartbeat. My Dr. has already warned me that based on my Beta HCG numbers, we could be having twins. I do love the idea of having more than one child. I know this will be my only pregnancy and it could be a two for one deal.
Last week I was freaking out that the first two numbers were good, but I assumed things would go downhill as before. So I went in early for a third test that was awesome. So I told my husband I promise to chill out now.
Having the curse of knowing too much and seeing too many of the things that can go wrong in a pregnancy and with babies' lives is working against me. I must vow to take this journey moment by moment and remember most things go quite well. Life is precious and durable or else we wouldn't have made it this far.
I still feel I am in no man's land - no pregnancy announcement is appropriate at this time. But my infertility sisters consider me "graduated." I guess it is like HS graduation, but you didn't get into college yet - still waiting for the acceptance or rejection letter. Maybe I'll get a job in fast food to kill the waiting time. :o)

holding on to hope

Right now I like the feeling of being hopeful. Our transfer was great except that I had to pee really bad. The photos of the embryos are awesome. Being a science geek from way back it is absolutely fascinating to be able to see your potential baby at such an early stage. Last night the thought in my head before I fell asleep was "how do I stop Saturday from coming?" Thursday, oh that's tomorrow, is the first beta, but they hold the sample until the second beta and run them together. So I still have PTSD from my last cycle and the BFN result. It keeps running through my head, how will I handle the news this time if its bad?
The real mind#%*k with IVF is that worse than yes or no, there is such a thing as kind of pregnant. Maybe the labs don't look so good, but not really bad, so you continue to hope or cry, but you just have to get more blood drawn and wait.
For Saturday I will have the clinic call my husband at home. I will be helping a friend at her child's birthday party (an 8 yr old IVF twin!) Then after the party is over I will go home and hear the news. Or maybe I'll go see a movie, drive to Nevada, forget where I live - that will stop Saturday from coming for sure!
Yeah I can wait, at least today I can say I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

transfer eve

'twas the night before transfer and all through the house not a single one was sleeping, not even my spouse.
Well that's it for now I gotta go to bed so I can hit an early sale or two before our transfer at 10 am!

lucky number 7

So the thaw went well for all 7 embryos. Now we see how they grow. I wonder if is helpful for me to admit I am fearful of pregnancy? I am concerned that I will have complications, unbearable pain, and be miserable for 9 months, AND THEN be disappointed with the stresses of motherhood. Is it horrible that I have more negative images in my mind than happy ones? I've seen some of the worst things that can happen to children first hand. Can I let myself have a normal pregnancy? Could my child grow up to be a healthy and happy adult? Why am I on the other end - don't most people expect everything to go well?
Am I trying to influence the outcome by choosing to thaw 7? What a freak I am.

and then it all changes . . .

So I made an appointment for friday 11/21, day 13 of my cycle. I was supposed to go in on day 14-16, but I wanted to see Dr. G only and friday would have to be the day. I had a pretty good feeling that my lining would look normal now that all other medication is out of my system. There is was 8mm! I actually said "I told you so! Lupron is not my friend." And he said, so let's do a transfer this month!
I had not even considered this . . . awesome I guess, what about all the shots? I haven't been on anything, uh sure I guess we can. So the real beauty is I have now avoided all of the anxiety of cycle preparation and wondering if my body can be ready for an embryo. Yeah!! The plan goes like this - I had a big fat follicle on cycle day 13, but no LH surge yet, so they gave me a shot of HSG. I got back on the prenatal vitamin bandwagon and am taking daily aspirin. I told the Dr. I want 7 embryos thawed so we are assured of getting one or two day 5 blasts. He wanted to thaw 4, but I told him, we aren't doing this much longer, this might be my last try regardless of the outcome. Tonight I begin my medrol and antibiotic for a transfer next week. Day 3 would be Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but i am shooting for Black Friday. This gives it a whole new meaning . . . I guess I'm not going shopping :o(. At very least I will have more pictures of embryos to post.

planning continues . . .

So the end of September was not what i wanted it to be. After a final push of acupuncture and more hormones my lining was just not good enough. The day I found out that I would not get to do a transfer I felt so broken. Dang I can't even grow a lining??? Eggs got fertilized anyway and 14 zygotes sit in a very expensive freezer waiting for the chance to become more. They even sent me a picture of the 14 little blobs. October was to be my transfer month, of course i already had the due date figured out for June. Now we have a sort of plan - I met with the Dr. he wanted to do another hysteroscopy free of charge - whoopie - it still hurts! We did that on friday last week, the best part was the "cocktail" of drugs. Valium, vicodin and toradil injection. Really? Not the fun high I expected at all, in fact not much of anything. It still hurt, cramping enough to make you sweat, but when the cramps stopped we went shopping. Perfect uterus just like before. Next step is to look at my normal unmedicated lining on day 14 and then I don't know. I hope we can set up to do a frozen transfer in December.

I don't know what I want . . .

So I have been down this road, here are my last two potential children. Aren't they cute? But they didn't "stick" around long enough to be anything other than what you see here. 16 + cells all together. Oh well.

It has taken 8 months to get to try again with new little cells. Last week I was told my uterus was not looking so hot, the cushy, nourishing lining was only 6 mm thick, really they like to see 8 mm and over. Does 2 mm really make a difference? I guess so when you are only 8 cells big. If I'm not ready for the embryos then they can be frozen for another time - not everyone will survive the freeze, but we have a good chance to get a couple for the "transfer." Transfer makes them sound like they are moving to a new place for a better job. Is being my child the new job assignment they want?? My real concern is can we get my lining ready.

Last time I was at 7 mm and we made a game plan to throw as much estrogen at my lining as they can and hope for the best. I got an extra week of shots in my hip, twice daily pills and just added progesterone suppositories. (For the uninitiated that's for the vagina not your butt.) What didn't happen until last thursday was to take a look and see how the plan was working. I should have asked to be checked sooner - the clinic should have thought of that too, but here we are.

In the morning we look again and make decisions - this is the worst part of IVF. The decisions are such giant mind f#%ks. I'd like the doctors to tell me this is good or that is bad, but that is never the answer. I know I am paying for this "service" but I don't want to be calling the shots - that's what i pay them for!! So if i show up tomorrow with a 6 mm lining and I want to go ahead right now - they'll do it. If I get to 8 mm and want to cancel to see if i can do better later - they'll do it. Then of course there are the financial considerations.

I don't know what I am hoping will happen tomorrow. I was hanging on to the idea that no matter the result i was done with IVF after this cycle. I was finding some peace in being done. Now, I don't know . . . I am not a quitter, but I am tired.

40 days

In 40 days I will be recieving an embryo transfer and be pregnant, at least for a little while if not all the way until June 2009. I took a big step today and have given myself permission to take some much needed time away from my crazy job. The work is not hard intellectually, but emotionally it's a killer. I spend my days hearing about and reading about abused children. Worse yet are the impossible unfair situations parents, children and the people trying to help are trying to correct with little or no resources. So it has been a giant mind &%#$! the last two years trying to have our own child, dealing with miscarriages and being constantly exposed to the ugliness of my work. I have cracked many, many times. I have worked full time since 1989 in nursing, almost 15 years for the county. I have taken vacation, but never any time longer than about 2 weeks. So I need to work it out, but I think I will be taking about 6 weeks in September and October. In these next 40 days I have promised myself to be attentive to my needs first. My tasks will include, journaling, listening to my fertility CD, drinking good tea, walking, and feeding myself well, more to come I am sure.

It's official

I am a recognized "artist." I entered my cuddly creation Poulette the Toe Sock Chicken, into the California State Fair Creative Arts competition and she won second place!!! I have been slacking off since I created her. Time to finish the instructions and make kits for sale as well as a few hand made chickens by me to post on Etsy.com. Who knows maybe this is a new career!

where to begin . . .

The blank page is always intimidating. This I remember from art classes. Just make the first mark and go, it can't be wrong. Squeak Carnwrath was one of my first "real" art teachers. She would critique our work by making the noises she saw in our art. "I like how this part goes errrrrck pahh." There was always something to be appreciated in each piece even if the overall art was unintentionally tragic. So wanna bee is about what I want to be at this point in my life and forward. For several years now I have wanted to be a mother, it hasn't worked out so far, but I have more ways to get there. From my youth I wanted to be a comedian like Paul Lind or Charles Nelson Reily or a cruise director like Julie on The Love Boat. Art has always been a hobby - I used to say in college if I had any guts I'd be an artist, so that's why I graduated from nursing school, security.
I'm trying to remember that lesson from Squeak - even though each piece of my life is not a masterpiece there is at least a little bit in each part that I love.