I saw Zebras in the canyon.

The dream I remember from last night was about moving into a tri level apartment. Not sure why, but recall knowing that it was temporary and I'd be moving back home with my husband after some time. Outside of the apartment, in the backyard was a canyon. It was like the Grand Cayon, beautiful anf very deep. Other neighbors were outside and told me about the women's walking trail around the canyon rim. I saw two women hiking the trail with climbing equipment. The trail was clearly dangerous and the neighbors said people die on it all the time. I saw the women scramble over gaps in the trail where rocks had fallen away. "No Way man, not for me" is all I could think. I inched closer to the edge to seen more of the canyon and the river that was at it's bottom. Drinking from the river were 2 zebras. Someone said they've been there for a long time and no one can catch them. The were safe and happy at the bottom of the canyon.
I wake up today feeling overweight, not pregnant. I am trying to believe that the embryos I know are there and had a good start, are still there. Safe at the bottom of the canyon, untouchable and thriving.

5 weeks pregnant WTF???

I mean it's good, but it hasn't sunk in yet. A week from monday we will have the 6 week US and hopefully see a strong heartbeat. My Dr. has already warned me that based on my Beta HCG numbers, we could be having twins. I do love the idea of having more than one child. I know this will be my only pregnancy and it could be a two for one deal.
Last week I was freaking out that the first two numbers were good, but I assumed things would go downhill as before. So I went in early for a third test that was awesome. So I told my husband I promise to chill out now.
Having the curse of knowing too much and seeing too many of the things that can go wrong in a pregnancy and with babies' lives is working against me. I must vow to take this journey moment by moment and remember most things go quite well. Life is precious and durable or else we wouldn't have made it this far.
I still feel I am in no man's land - no pregnancy announcement is appropriate at this time. But my infertility sisters consider me "graduated." I guess it is like HS graduation, but you didn't get into college yet - still waiting for the acceptance or rejection letter. Maybe I'll get a job in fast food to kill the waiting time. :o)

holding on to hope

Right now I like the feeling of being hopeful. Our transfer was great except that I had to pee really bad. The photos of the embryos are awesome. Being a science geek from way back it is absolutely fascinating to be able to see your potential baby at such an early stage. Last night the thought in my head before I fell asleep was "how do I stop Saturday from coming?" Thursday, oh that's tomorrow, is the first beta, but they hold the sample until the second beta and run them together. So I still have PTSD from my last cycle and the BFN result. It keeps running through my head, how will I handle the news this time if its bad?
The real mind#%*k with IVF is that worse than yes or no, there is such a thing as kind of pregnant. Maybe the labs don't look so good, but not really bad, so you continue to hope or cry, but you just have to get more blood drawn and wait.
For Saturday I will have the clinic call my husband at home. I will be helping a friend at her child's birthday party (an 8 yr old IVF twin!) Then after the party is over I will go home and hear the news. Or maybe I'll go see a movie, drive to Nevada, forget where I live - that will stop Saturday from coming for sure!
Yeah I can wait, at least today I can say I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

transfer eve

'twas the night before transfer and all through the house not a single one was sleeping, not even my spouse.
Well that's it for now I gotta go to bed so I can hit an early sale or two before our transfer at 10 am!

lucky number 7

So the thaw went well for all 7 embryos. Now we see how they grow. I wonder if is helpful for me to admit I am fearful of pregnancy? I am concerned that I will have complications, unbearable pain, and be miserable for 9 months, AND THEN be disappointed with the stresses of motherhood. Is it horrible that I have more negative images in my mind than happy ones? I've seen some of the worst things that can happen to children first hand. Can I let myself have a normal pregnancy? Could my child grow up to be a healthy and happy adult? Why am I on the other end - don't most people expect everything to go well?
Am I trying to influence the outcome by choosing to thaw 7? What a freak I am.

and then it all changes . . .

So I made an appointment for friday 11/21, day 13 of my cycle. I was supposed to go in on day 14-16, but I wanted to see Dr. G only and friday would have to be the day. I had a pretty good feeling that my lining would look normal now that all other medication is out of my system. There is was 8mm! I actually said "I told you so! Lupron is not my friend." And he said, so let's do a transfer this month!
I had not even considered this . . . awesome I guess, what about all the shots? I haven't been on anything, uh sure I guess we can. So the real beauty is I have now avoided all of the anxiety of cycle preparation and wondering if my body can be ready for an embryo. Yeah!! The plan goes like this - I had a big fat follicle on cycle day 13, but no LH surge yet, so they gave me a shot of HSG. I got back on the prenatal vitamin bandwagon and am taking daily aspirin. I told the Dr. I want 7 embryos thawed so we are assured of getting one or two day 5 blasts. He wanted to thaw 4, but I told him, we aren't doing this much longer, this might be my last try regardless of the outcome. Tonight I begin my medrol and antibiotic for a transfer next week. Day 3 would be Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but i am shooting for Black Friday. This gives it a whole new meaning . . . I guess I'm not going shopping :o(. At very least I will have more pictures of embryos to post.

planning continues . . .

So the end of September was not what i wanted it to be. After a final push of acupuncture and more hormones my lining was just not good enough. The day I found out that I would not get to do a transfer I felt so broken. Dang I can't even grow a lining??? Eggs got fertilized anyway and 14 zygotes sit in a very expensive freezer waiting for the chance to become more. They even sent me a picture of the 14 little blobs. October was to be my transfer month, of course i already had the due date figured out for June. Now we have a sort of plan - I met with the Dr. he wanted to do another hysteroscopy free of charge - whoopie - it still hurts! We did that on friday last week, the best part was the "cocktail" of drugs. Valium, vicodin and toradil injection. Really? Not the fun high I expected at all, in fact not much of anything. It still hurt, cramping enough to make you sweat, but when the cramps stopped we went shopping. Perfect uterus just like before. Next step is to look at my normal unmedicated lining on day 14 and then I don't know. I hope we can set up to do a frozen transfer in December.