Saturday, May 2, 2009

Life after Death

It hit me a couple of weeks ago. Recovering emotionally from a miscarriage is very much like being in love and getting dumped

I remember the feeling so well. A rush of hormones. Your heart is beating faster. Every minute of thought is about "him." You practice writing names and planning your future together. Things and friends you have previously enjoyed are now less important. You gravitate towards friends who have boyfriends, because they will tolerate your detailed recounting of each moment you've known each other, and wait their turn to compare notes. Your hobbies get neglected, because you want to spend time with him. Internet searches all relate him, his interests, and the next fabulous home cooked meal you will make for him.

Your "single" friends may drift away, because there is another club you belong to, yes you are still single right now, but not for long right?? Plus you need to start modifying your life for the couple lifestyle. The "marrieds" are happy for you, some of the singles might be too, but some may avoid you to deal with their own issues. And all those changes are fine because this head rush of joy is what you've been after, finally.

Then it happens - dumped, who cares why, it hurts, it can't be changed. Maybe better luck next time, if there is a next time, they tell you it will be okay. Everyone supports you at first, the singles are so sorry, the marrieds too. Even casual work friends pat your back. You're are allowed to grieve for a time, others will listen, but there is time limit. It's not posted anywhere, but the social cues are loud and clear.

However you feel after the timer goes off needs to be kept inside now. Others want it all to return to "normal." Singles will welcome you back into the fold. Marrieds might see you as a threat to their way of life, a reminder that "it can happen to you too."

You might find yourself at a loss to remember what your life was like before "him." What did you do with your Friday nights? If we were still together, what would be happening now? What were my goals outside of this relationship?

Rereading this I can get very critical toward myself. Just like I used to beat myself up for falling so hard for a guy.

This baby was the center of our lives already. I don't care about other plans I had for myself. Hobbies were just killing time until a baby filled the time. Some mommy friends steer clear, not knowing what to say I guess, afraid I have some baby killing aura around me, or just not interested unless I am in their club. The singles who aren't TTC or haven't experienced TTC failures are sweet, but don't really get it.

TTCers get it, but what we "get" is knowing we can't really take pain away, well wishes and "baby dust" don't change outcomes and time doesn't heal all wounds. Miracles are out there, you'll easily find those stories.

But I am starting to feel the reality. Try, try again, doesn't work here. Some of us will never get what we wanted, and most that fall into that category just fade away. It's all too sad to be reminded of. Repeated failures without a happy ending is just not the American Way.


Monica LeMoine said...

Great post, very truthful and beautiful insights here. Thanks for sharing.

Lut C. said...

Popped over from the crème de la crème list.

Excellent analogy, it works for many other aspects of ART too (failed cycles for instance).
I'm sorry for your loss.

Jo said...

I just found this through the Creme and the timing is so remarkable -- I just suffered my first miscarriage two days ago. Your analogy is so right on -- and so is the feeling of "where do I belong?" that comes from reading it.

Many, many thanks for writing this post.