Life after Death

It hit me a couple of weeks ago. Recovering emotionally from a miscarriage is very much like being in love and getting dumped

I remember the feeling so well. A rush of hormones. Your heart is beating faster. Every minute of thought is about "him." You practice writing names and planning your future together. Things and friends you have previously enjoyed are now less important. You gravitate towards friends who have boyfriends, because they will tolerate your detailed recounting of each moment you've known each other, and wait their turn to compare notes. Your hobbies get neglected, because you want to spend time with him. Internet searches all relate him, his interests, and the next fabulous home cooked meal you will make for him.

Your "single" friends may drift away, because there is another club you belong to, yes you are still single right now, but not for long right?? Plus you need to start modifying your life for the couple lifestyle. The "marrieds" are happy for you, some of the singles might be too, but some may avoid you to deal with their own issues. And all those changes are fine because this head rush of joy is what you've been after, finally.

Then it happens - dumped, who cares why, it hurts, it can't be changed. Maybe better luck next time, if there is a next time, they tell you it will be okay. Everyone supports you at first, the singles are so sorry, the marrieds too. Even casual work friends pat your back. You're are allowed to grieve for a time, others will listen, but there is time limit. It's not posted anywhere, but the social cues are loud and clear.

However you feel after the timer goes off needs to be kept inside now. Others want it all to return to "normal." Singles will welcome you back into the fold. Marrieds might see you as a threat to their way of life, a reminder that "it can happen to you too."

You might find yourself at a loss to remember what your life was like before "him." What did you do with your Friday nights? If we were still together, what would be happening now? What were my goals outside of this relationship?

Rereading this I can get very critical toward myself. Just like I used to beat myself up for falling so hard for a guy.

This baby was the center of our lives already. I don't care about other plans I had for myself. Hobbies were just killing time until a baby filled the time. Some mommy friends steer clear, not knowing what to say I guess, afraid I have some baby killing aura around me, or just not interested unless I am in their club. The singles who aren't TTC or haven't experienced TTC failures are sweet, but don't really get it.

TTCers get it, but what we "get" is knowing we can't really take pain away, well wishes and "baby dust" don't change outcomes and time doesn't heal all wounds. Miracles are out there, you'll easily find those stories.

But I am starting to feel the reality. Try, try again, doesn't work here. Some of us will never get what we wanted, and most that fall into that category just fade away. It's all too sad to be reminded of. Repeated failures without a happy ending is just not the American Way.

good bye "Blobby"

I am 6 weeks post a D & C that removed what was left of "Blobby" from my body. I started relaxing just like everyone tells you, finally I had made it out of the dreaded frist trimester, Victorious! 16 week fetus intact until 3/2/09, when the freaked out CNM still couldn't find a heartbeat on doppler. The vag cam showed a very still "Blobby" with no heartbeat. Call in the other doc to look, confirmed, dead "Blobby."

Hilarity ensued, cry cry cry, I'm so sorry, we don't know why, nothing you did or didn't do, more crying, husband wants a break, i want answers or action or some shred of hope. Back on zoloft. Damn I already rsvp'd to her shower! Must be strong, must be good wife, stepmom, friend, worker bee, wanna bee. Failure at all of the above, failed eggs, failed lining, failed womb.

No worries this week

Some how It's easier to write when you have things to complain about. I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. IVF really takes the mystery out of pregnancy, sure no guessing when this baby got started!
Mostly I have intermittent freak-outs because I feel so normal. Last week I called and got a doctor appointment, just to see if the baby was still really there. The doppler doesn't pick up my baby's heartbeat yet. Not sure if that's just due to my belly fat or what. So we wheeled in the US machine and there was "Blobby" our little super active fetus. "Blobby" moves so much we couldn't use the fancy machine to hear the heartbeat either. Being a nurse there are a few things I want to know every time - what's the heart rate and is the baby growing properly? "Blobby" moves too much to get these answers, sigh.
My current goal is to walk a little more than not at all, and hold out on freaking out until the next appointment - wish me luck!

Congrats its a fetus!

I had my first OB appointment at Kaiser at 9 weeks 1 day- OMG! Prior to the appointment there was much freaking out. I don't feel pregnant, I'm not barfing my guts out and sleeping all the time. I was dizzy for a week and felt kinda gaggy, but now not so much. Having lost 3 pregnancies very early on - I was expecting the worst. But now we are in uncharted territory - we have an official fetus instead of an embryo! The ultrasound (coochie cam) showed the little 2 cm bean, big head, and freaky little limbs right where it should be placenta and all. And then it wiggled - okay that was way cool! I return for the 12 week exam in early February. Question is - can I stay optimistic now that my only symptoms are food tastes funny, bad constipation, and a bit of sore boobs? Who am I kidding? I'm all over the place, but as always time will tell.

no "man's" land

So here I sit in the world between the "really" pregnant people and my sisters in infertility land. I actually feel guilty for being pregnant when so many young, gorgeous, responsible women I have met are still struggling. Some days I feel sick and actually pregnant, but other days I feel fat and just know this pregnancy is not going to produce a baby. "Graduating" to the pregnancy after infertility group should be a good thing, but I can't stand to hear about baby clothes and finding out the sex right now, I'm not there.
I'm fighting those negative thoughts - it got the better of me yesterday afternoon. I was googling signs of miscarriage which led me to miscarriage remembrance gifts. Oh my god people - don't ever go there! I was planning out my bracelet that would contain birthstone for all my miscarriages, so far I have June, March and August. I had myself so worked up I called Kaiser trying to get an US today or anytime before my monday appointment. I'll hang on to my cell for dear life today waiting for the response to the urgent email the advice nurse sent to my doc.
I felt better after a good cry over how concerned the nurse was for me, sweetness always makes me cry. I sucked it up, dropped some visine, and went to science night. I had to be the dutiful stepmom until we got home and alone and I could confess my feelings to my husband in private.
Dang it! my phone just rang and i missed it!!! Private number - no message, argghh.

7 weeks

Last week we saw 2 gestational sacs and one had a heartbeat. The doctor said sometimes its too early to see the other one. I think we will only have one continue - that's fine with us, but I so want this one to be our baby. We'll have more answers at the US on monday morning.

pregnant until proven otherwise

I'm trying to hang on to this idea. I am pregnant, I am pregnant - okay yes it's a 6 week pregnancy, most people don't even know they are pregnant at this point. The US is today and I want to see a beating heart.

to be continued