Today I am getting a pap smear. Really its not a big deal after all of the other things I've had poked at me in my nether region. But I am getting sick to my stomach. I have to walk back into the office where I was getting OB care for my pregnancy that ended last year in March at the ripe old age of 16 weeks. Yes, the pregnant ladies will be all over the place. Yes, I have to walk right by the unmarked door, now knowing that is the outpatient surgical suite. The place where they removed Blobby from my body in March 2009.
My heart has been beating faster all day just knowing I have to walk past these things, and look at these women. Some going through the same things as me, some worse things. Some are blindly cheerful having a perfectly normal pregnancy. I hate them, but at the same time I don't want to see their blind dreams of the future be crushed. Knowing not everyone is jaded or broken gives me hope too. Hope for what? I am not sure. Maybe its hope that I will be happy when my child comes along. Hope that I can let go of the worry and just enjoy my family as it is.