belated update

Sorry kids - or whoever is out there and interested in the tedious details of my plight for Motherhood.
I am late posting a report from the Family Fair at our agency. I admit I had a fantasy about sweeping some social worker off her feet with the absolute fabulosity of my husband and I. I dreamt we would be pulled aside out of the Fair in order to discuss the perfect child who needed to come to our house right away!

None of that happened, we talked to social workers from the state, and 3 surrounding counties. We handed them our "family available" flyer and smiled pretty, shook hands, said we were open to anything and looked eager, but hopefully not crazy or desperate. We were in and out in about 30 minutes. Both of us had checked out of work for a couple of hours, so we went to lunch. On our way I said to my husband "well, maybe that is the last weird thing we are going to have to do!" He replied with a very little smile, "probably not."

So that's that.

Empty crib still sits.

We continue to covet every stray toddler we see.

I keep looking for the magical place on the internet or somewhere over the rainbow where "you can always adopt" is as easy as it sounds.

anxiety + anger = ?

Angriety? Anxiger?  All day I have been feeling this way. Could be the looming layoffs at work. Not me luckily, but many other great, hardworking people.

Probably displaced anger at my childless situation for which I of course blame myself. Also anxiety regarding the daily potential of getting THE CALL. And I'm not talking about becoming a preacher type, no sirree.

Most likely cause - The Bi-Annual Family Fair! (yeah - i think) So baby brokers from all over our area come to check out the Families who are studied and ready to receive babyness. We will be parading in at our assigned alphabetical time slot. Smiling, Waving, droping off our glossy family available papers and trying to make a good impression. Talk about a MEET market. I will post highlights in the next few days.

I need to go off to bed and dream about the perfect outfit that says "Mom."

still hurts

It's been a year since they removed a baby from my body, and it still hurts. I feel like I should be happy for the pregnant ladies, but it still hurts. I feel good for the "sisters" that still have time and resources to try once more, but I am envious. I hide my sadness most of the time, even from myself, but it creeps in and hurts at unexpected times.

Hurts when the breastfeeding mother tells me of her yearning for wine. Hurts when the 30 week pregnant friend at work announces she'll be out on leave to take better care of herself. Hurts to know someone may be dying, but doesn't want anyone to know. Hurts when when new mothers complain about unwanted shower gifts. Hurts when a toddler "in the system" grabs my finger to walk with her like she's always known me when she should be afraid of a stranger. Hurts when I hear about a failed adoption and the child is only 2 years old. Hurts to read about the requirements for international adoption and not be able to fit their criteria.

Hurts to even think "You can always adopt" may not apply to us.

Hurts sometimes, but mostly not.