still hurts

It's been a year since they removed a baby from my body, and it still hurts. I feel like I should be happy for the pregnant ladies, but it still hurts. I feel good for the "sisters" that still have time and resources to try once more, but I am envious. I hide my sadness most of the time, even from myself, but it creeps in and hurts at unexpected times.

Hurts when the breastfeeding mother tells me of her yearning for wine. Hurts when the 30 week pregnant friend at work announces she'll be out on leave to take better care of herself. Hurts to know someone may be dying, but doesn't want anyone to know. Hurts when when new mothers complain about unwanted shower gifts. Hurts when a toddler "in the system" grabs my finger to walk with her like she's always known me when she should be afraid of a stranger. Hurts when I hear about a failed adoption and the child is only 2 years old. Hurts to read about the requirements for international adoption and not be able to fit their criteria.

Hurts to even think "You can always adopt" may not apply to us.

Hurts sometimes, but mostly not.