Sunday, December 28, 2008

7 weeks

Last week we saw 2 gestational sacs and one had a heartbeat. The doctor said sometimes its too early to see the other one. I think we will only have one continue - that's fine with us, but I so want this one to be our baby. We'll have more answers at the US on monday morning.

Monday, December 22, 2008

pregnant until proven otherwise

I'm trying to hang on to this idea. I am pregnant, I am pregnant - okay yes it's a 6 week pregnancy, most people don't even know they are pregnant at this point. The US is today and I want to see a beating heart.

to be continued

Friday, December 19, 2008

I saw Zebras in the canyon.

The dream I remember from last night was about moving into a tri level apartment. Not sure why, but recall knowing that it was temporary and I'd be moving back home with my husband after some time. Outside of the apartment, in the backyard was a canyon. It was like the Grand Cayon, beautiful anf very deep. Other neighbors were outside and told me about the women's walking trail around the canyon rim. I saw two women hiking the trail with climbing equipment. The trail was clearly dangerous and the neighbors said people die on it all the time. I saw the women scramble over gaps in the trail where rocks had fallen away. "No Way man, not for me" is all I could think. I inched closer to the edge to seen more of the canyon and the river that was at it's bottom. Drinking from the river were 2 zebras. Someone said they've been there for a long time and no one can catch them. The were safe and happy at the bottom of the canyon.
I wake up today feeling overweight, not pregnant. I am trying to believe that the embryos I know are there and had a good start, are still there. Safe at the bottom of the canyon, untouchable and thriving.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

5 weeks pregnant WTF???

I mean it's good, but it hasn't sunk in yet. A week from monday we will have the 6 week US and hopefully see a strong heartbeat. My Dr. has already warned me that based on my Beta HCG numbers, we could be having twins. I do love the idea of having more than one child. I know this will be my only pregnancy and it could be a two for one deal.
Last week I was freaking out that the first two numbers were good, but I assumed things would go downhill as before. So I went in early for a third test that was awesome. So I told my husband I promise to chill out now.
Having the curse of knowing too much and seeing too many of the things that can go wrong in a pregnancy and with babies' lives is working against me. I must vow to take this journey moment by moment and remember most things go quite well. Life is precious and durable or else we wouldn't have made it this far.
I still feel I am in no man's land - no pregnancy announcement is appropriate at this time. But my infertility sisters consider me "graduated." I guess it is like HS graduation, but you didn't get into college yet - still waiting for the acceptance or rejection letter. Maybe I'll get a job in fast food to kill the waiting time. :o)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

holding on to hope

Right now I like the feeling of being hopeful. Our transfer was great except that I had to pee really bad. The photos of the embryos are awesome. Being a science geek from way back it is absolutely fascinating to be able to see your potential baby at such an early stage. Last night the thought in my head before I fell asleep was "how do I stop Saturday from coming?" Thursday, oh that's tomorrow, is the first beta, but they hold the sample until the second beta and run them together. So I still have PTSD from my last cycle and the BFN result. It keeps running through my head, how will I handle the news this time if its bad?
The real mind#%*k with IVF is that worse than yes or no, there is such a thing as kind of pregnant. Maybe the labs don't look so good, but not really bad, so you continue to hope or cry, but you just have to get more blood drawn and wait.
For Saturday I will have the clinic call my husband at home. I will be helping a friend at her child's birthday party (an 8 yr old IVF twin!) Then after the party is over I will go home and hear the news. Or maybe I'll go see a movie, drive to Nevada, forget where I live - that will stop Saturday from coming for sure!
Yeah I can wait, at least today I can say I am pregnant until proven otherwise.