belated update

Sorry kids - or whoever is out there and interested in the tedious details of my plight for Motherhood.
I am late posting a report from the Family Fair at our agency. I admit I had a fantasy about sweeping some social worker off her feet with the absolute fabulosity of my husband and I. I dreamt we would be pulled aside out of the Fair in order to discuss the perfect child who needed to come to our house right away!

None of that happened, we talked to social workers from the state, and 3 surrounding counties. We handed them our "family available" flyer and smiled pretty, shook hands, said we were open to anything and looked eager, but hopefully not crazy or desperate. We were in and out in about 30 minutes. Both of us had checked out of work for a couple of hours, so we went to lunch. On our way I said to my husband "well, maybe that is the last weird thing we are going to have to do!" He replied with a very little smile, "probably not."

So that's that.

Empty crib still sits.

We continue to covet every stray toddler we see.

I keep looking for the magical place on the internet or somewhere over the rainbow where "you can always adopt" is as easy as it sounds.

anxiety + anger = ?

Angriety? Anxiger?  All day I have been feeling this way. Could be the looming layoffs at work. Not me luckily, but many other great, hardworking people.

Probably displaced anger at my childless situation for which I of course blame myself. Also anxiety regarding the daily potential of getting THE CALL. And I'm not talking about becoming a preacher type, no sirree.

Most likely cause - The Bi-Annual Family Fair! (yeah - i think) So baby brokers from all over our area come to check out the Families who are studied and ready to receive babyness. We will be parading in at our assigned alphabetical time slot. Smiling, Waving, droping off our glossy family available papers and trying to make a good impression. Talk about a MEET market. I will post highlights in the next few days.

I need to go off to bed and dream about the perfect outfit that says "Mom."

still hurts

It's been a year since they removed a baby from my body, and it still hurts. I feel like I should be happy for the pregnant ladies, but it still hurts. I feel good for the "sisters" that still have time and resources to try once more, but I am envious. I hide my sadness most of the time, even from myself, but it creeps in and hurts at unexpected times.

Hurts when the breastfeeding mother tells me of her yearning for wine. Hurts when the 30 week pregnant friend at work announces she'll be out on leave to take better care of herself. Hurts to know someone may be dying, but doesn't want anyone to know. Hurts when when new mothers complain about unwanted shower gifts. Hurts when a toddler "in the system" grabs my finger to walk with her like she's always known me when she should be afraid of a stranger. Hurts when I hear about a failed adoption and the child is only 2 years old. Hurts to read about the requirements for international adoption and not be able to fit their criteria.

Hurts to even think "You can always adopt" may not apply to us.

Hurts sometimes, but mostly not.

I am grateful

Over the past 4 weeks I have had nothing to complain about. Not that I no longer wallow in self pity, but I have been presented over and over again with knowledge that my woes are small by comparison.

I have seen friends and coworkers deal with the terror of a new diagnosis and the ravages of chronic medical conditions. I had a brief medical scare that was handled quickly and turned out to be minor, yeah for that. I have been waiting for the axe to drop on the necks of my coworkers while I sit with some security in my position for now.

Right now, we deal with the minor rebellion of an eighth grader every other week. Right now we need to clean up the yard. Right now I can go out drinking with my DH on a thursday night without finding a baby sitter. Right now I have minor aches and pains that come with being an out of shape 43 year old. Right now my DH has a good chance at getting a promotion and more $$ at work. Right now I have many crafty projects to choose from. Right now we are well and getting better.

I have walked past the empty crib in the freshly painted nursery day after day. I wonder who will ever use this crib again. I wonder if or when it might get used in our house, but I don't feel sad about it. I just wonder - what happens next?

the waiting (is the hardest part) Thank you Tom Petty

http://popup.lala.com/popup/432627077918673992

As yes - waiting waiting. Oh yeah, finally got to see the draft of our home study. I guess I was waiting for that to be final because THEN we could move along in this fost/adoption process.
Turns out to be rather anticlimactic. There are no revealing secrets about us. No confessions told by my darling husband or friends who vouched for us. Just a bare bones (actually kind of dull) read portraying a forty something couple with a teen 1/2 time child.
I guess it is like any relationship you are trying to get into - its not good to look desparate, right?
I read over the home study and thought "well yeah, I want a kid to come live with us forever and ever, but hey I have everything I need. Why mess up the staus quo?" If I was a social worker hunting for the perfect home for a child wouldn't I want to see more passion? Or does that read "crazy." Are we supposed to be objective? Stick to what ever is best for the child, regardless of our personal feelings?

How many objective mama's do we have out there? Let's see some hands . . .

Really? don't even try to tell me you don't go all "Mama Bear" if someone tries to get between you and your baby!! So how are we supposed to form a family with this new child and stay open to the idea that the child might have to go back to birth parents who hurt them in the first place?

If that's not crazy talk then I don't know what is. People are in this process everyday - I guess I will have to trust the unknown and our ability to deal with it.

So officially we could get a kid in our house any day now - or it could be months from now. Stay tuned.

being "Real"

When you pour your feelings out for the world to see, you wonder if anyone will ever see it.

Remember the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams?

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


Thanks internet ALI community, friends old and new, for making me REAL! Check out more very real writings at Creme-de-la-Creme of 2009 - thanks Mel, I am very proud to be #120!

the Stork part deux

So the adoption Stork is coming out to our house on friday. One last look to check that the knives are locked away and poison isn't being served as snacks. Our adoption Stork also needs to speak with the 13 year old boy in our house - who speaks less and less everyday - good luck lady!

What's really on my mind is loss of control. Up until now I have had a feeling of control over this adoption process. Nope, nothing is happening at our house until we get the paperwork together and hand it over, so there, you can't make me until I'm good and ready! I consciously chose to ease through the holidays without the possibility of a baby. But now we are reaching the end of any illusion of calling the shots. By the end of January our homestudy should be complete, approved and ready to present to the world. Will we have a baby in March? Will we be called to take a child we are not sure about? How do you possibly make the right decision.

(Later that same week. . .)

The Adoption Stork came and went, and now the ball is in her court.

Yay, I guess. . . problem is, now we wait. How long, no one can tell. This is normal and expected, but ABNORMAL things have been happening in child welfare in our area.

First of all I work for a county and therefore cannot adopt from my own county. Okay, fine. The economy has hit child welfare hard, layoffs, policy changes, and high stress levels. And in a very ironic turn of events MANY fewer babies are being removed from their drug using mothers at birth. Not sure if the baby fountain has "dried up" in other counties, but boy are things different than 1 year ago.

Technically, depending on how you look at the law - it is not necessarily child abuse if the bad things happened before a kid was born. So in order to have your baby removed from your care - we need to see the physical harm first. Wow, here we go again. Kids have to be hurt before being protected.

stepping off my soap box now - I know I can't save the world. I just want to be a mom.