Wanting

Woke up feeling anxious.

Nasty weird dream about rain and our house floating off its foundation. Woke up feeling very unsettled. And tired. LM got up at 4:30 ish and just needed holding, I was sleepy, but it was nice. Okay the dream might be related to the "rain sound" CD that LM sleeps to and the novel I am reading The Children's Hospital, at any rate I woke with a feeling of anticipation and possible doom!

I WANT the new job. Today I go for the second interview to meet the big wigs.

I WANT LM to stay with us forever. Visits are to be increased and I am nervous about how it will all come together. December is the end of 6 months of services for Birth mom. LM will be almost 1 year old. I can't imagine him leaving us. I can't imagine him living in a home that is not ours. Way in the back of my brain I know it is possible, but in order to keep my sanity and care for my baby boy, I have to believe he is ours forever.

I will deal with reality when it changes.

Another hearing date

Getting dull for you all yet? Yes another hearing is set for this week 5/12/11. Maybe it won't be continued again, maybe it will. This time I am sort of afraid of the outcome. I know a grandma has asked for placement, but she previously said she could not do it. I have also "caught wind" that there is questions about why LM was placed with us, and out of his county of origin. I don't know why, but I hear mom's attorney is trying to imply we got placement as a favor because I know some of the county employees.

Bull Shit and distraction by a lawyer trying to buy time for the client. That's what I think anyway.

I want to get through thursday, and I am feeling like I don't want to answer the phone or go to a visit on friday.

anxiety + anger = ?

Angriety? Anxiger?  All day I have been feeling this way. Could be the looming layoffs at work. Not me luckily, but many other great, hardworking people.

Probably displaced anger at my childless situation for which I of course blame myself. Also anxiety regarding the daily potential of getting THE CALL. And I'm not talking about becoming a preacher type, no sirree.

Most likely cause - The Bi-Annual Family Fair! (yeah - i think) So baby brokers from all over our area come to check out the Families who are studied and ready to receive babyness. We will be parading in at our assigned alphabetical time slot. Smiling, Waving, droping off our glossy family available papers and trying to make a good impression. Talk about a MEET market. I will post highlights in the next few days.

I need to go off to bed and dream about the perfect outfit that says "Mom."