I feel like a fake mom

Yes I do all the mothery things and I know I am THE MOTHER in the mind of our Little Man. At the same time there is still turmoil about LMs placement with us. I heard the birth mother's lawyer is arguing that the baby should not have been placed so far away. I also heard grandmother is interested in him now, when she already said she could not care for him. By the way, grandmother lives as far away as I do. All of this is a distraction from the real question - can birth mom be a Mom? How about leaving the boy in one spot so he can thrive until we get that question answered.

Yesterday as we made brunch for my mother in law and Granny I felt unable to soak in any praises I got for being a good mother. I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out and dump me on my ass.

who's your mama?

I get a big thrill every time Little Man is held by someone else and looks for me. People instinctively say "Where's mommy?" It's heart melting.
Yesterday I was picking LM up from the visit with his birth mom. She was talking and cuddling him. LM saw me and smiled and leaned my way. I don't think the birthmom took it poorly. She kept talking to him and me, she said "ah-goo." This is a common sound from LM. Then she told me she has written down "ah-goo" in his baby book as his first word.
Back out in the car driving away with my baby I wanted to cry. What kind of mom am I? I have no baby book for him. What will happen to her if she can't get this boy back? What is Mother's Day like for us?

This week I also had a visit with the county social worker. It answered a lot of questions and gave me hope that LM will be staying with us for along time and likely forever. There are plenty of hoops to jump through and a long drawn out legal process for the birth mother to go through, bless her heart. And starting asap we will have to take him to 3 visits per week. He's part of our family and we will work it out.

Life after Death

It hit me a couple of weeks ago. Recovering emotionally from a miscarriage is very much like being in love and getting dumped

I remember the feeling so well. A rush of hormones. Your heart is beating faster. Every minute of thought is about "him." You practice writing names and planning your future together. Things and friends you have previously enjoyed are now less important. You gravitate towards friends who have boyfriends, because they will tolerate your detailed recounting of each moment you've known each other, and wait their turn to compare notes. Your hobbies get neglected, because you want to spend time with him. Internet searches all relate him, his interests, and the next fabulous home cooked meal you will make for him.

Your "single" friends may drift away, because there is another club you belong to, yes you are still single right now, but not for long right?? Plus you need to start modifying your life for the couple lifestyle. The "marrieds" are happy for you, some of the singles might be too, but some may avoid you to deal with their own issues. And all those changes are fine because this head rush of joy is what you've been after, finally.

Then it happens - dumped, who cares why, it hurts, it can't be changed. Maybe better luck next time, if there is a next time, they tell you it will be okay. Everyone supports you at first, the singles are so sorry, the marrieds too. Even casual work friends pat your back. You're are allowed to grieve for a time, others will listen, but there is time limit. It's not posted anywhere, but the social cues are loud and clear.

However you feel after the timer goes off needs to be kept inside now. Others want it all to return to "normal." Singles will welcome you back into the fold. Marrieds might see you as a threat to their way of life, a reminder that "it can happen to you too."

You might find yourself at a loss to remember what your life was like before "him." What did you do with your Friday nights? If we were still together, what would be happening now? What were my goals outside of this relationship?

Rereading this I can get very critical toward myself. Just like I used to beat myself up for falling so hard for a guy.

This baby was the center of our lives already. I don't care about other plans I had for myself. Hobbies were just killing time until a baby filled the time. Some mommy friends steer clear, not knowing what to say I guess, afraid I have some baby killing aura around me, or just not interested unless I am in their club. The singles who aren't TTC or haven't experienced TTC failures are sweet, but don't really get it.

TTCers get it, but what we "get" is knowing we can't really take pain away, well wishes and "baby dust" don't change outcomes and time doesn't heal all wounds. Miracles are out there, you'll easily find those stories.

But I am starting to feel the reality. Try, try again, doesn't work here. Some of us will never get what we wanted, and most that fall into that category just fade away. It's all too sad to be reminded of. Repeated failures without a happy ending is just not the American Way.

where to begin . . .

The blank page is always intimidating. This I remember from art classes. Just make the first mark and go, it can't be wrong. Squeak Carnwrath was one of my first "real" art teachers. She would critique our work by making the noises she saw in our art. "I like how this part goes errrrrck pahh." There was always something to be appreciated in each piece even if the overall art was unintentionally tragic. So wanna bee is about what I want to be at this point in my life and forward. For several years now I have wanted to be a mother, it hasn't worked out so far, but I have more ways to get there. From my youth I wanted to be a comedian like Paul Lind or Charles Nelson Reily or a cruise director like Julie on The Love Boat. Art has always been a hobby - I used to say in college if I had any guts I'd be an artist, so that's why I graduated from nursing school, security.
I'm trying to remember that lesson from Squeak - even though each piece of my life is not a masterpiece there is at least a little bit in each part that I love.