I don't know what I want . . .

So I have been down this road, here are my last two potential children. Aren't they cute? But they didn't "stick" around long enough to be anything other than what you see here. 16 + cells all together. Oh well.

It has taken 8 months to get to try again with new little cells. Last week I was told my uterus was not looking so hot, the cushy, nourishing lining was only 6 mm thick, really they like to see 8 mm and over. Does 2 mm really make a difference? I guess so when you are only 8 cells big. If I'm not ready for the embryos then they can be frozen for another time - not everyone will survive the freeze, but we have a good chance to get a couple for the "transfer." Transfer makes them sound like they are moving to a new place for a better job. Is being my child the new job assignment they want?? My real concern is can we get my lining ready.

Last time I was at 7 mm and we made a game plan to throw as much estrogen at my lining as they can and hope for the best. I got an extra week of shots in my hip, twice daily pills and just added progesterone suppositories. (For the uninitiated that's for the vagina not your butt.) What didn't happen until last thursday was to take a look and see how the plan was working. I should have asked to be checked sooner - the clinic should have thought of that too, but here we are.

In the morning we look again and make decisions - this is the worst part of IVF. The decisions are such giant mind f#%ks. I'd like the doctors to tell me this is good or that is bad, but that is never the answer. I know I am paying for this "service" but I don't want to be calling the shots - that's what i pay them for!! So if i show up tomorrow with a 6 mm lining and I want to go ahead right now - they'll do it. If I get to 8 mm and want to cancel to see if i can do better later - they'll do it. Then of course there are the financial considerations.

I don't know what I am hoping will happen tomorrow. I was hanging on to the idea that no matter the result i was done with IVF after this cycle. I was finding some peace in being done. Now, I don't know . . . I am not a quitter, but I am tired.

40 days

In 40 days I will be recieving an embryo transfer and be pregnant, at least for a little while if not all the way until June 2009. I took a big step today and have given myself permission to take some much needed time away from my crazy job. The work is not hard intellectually, but emotionally it's a killer. I spend my days hearing about and reading about abused children. Worse yet are the impossible unfair situations parents, children and the people trying to help are trying to correct with little or no resources. So it has been a giant mind &%#$! the last two years trying to have our own child, dealing with miscarriages and being constantly exposed to the ugliness of my work. I have cracked many, many times. I have worked full time since 1989 in nursing, almost 15 years for the county. I have taken vacation, but never any time longer than about 2 weeks. So I need to work it out, but I think I will be taking about 6 weeks in September and October. In these next 40 days I have promised myself to be attentive to my needs first. My tasks will include, journaling, listening to my fertility CD, drinking good tea, walking, and feeding myself well, more to come I am sure.

It's official

I am a recognized "artist." I entered my cuddly creation Poulette the Toe Sock Chicken, into the California State Fair Creative Arts competition and she won second place!!! I have been slacking off since I created her. Time to finish the instructions and make kits for sale as well as a few hand made chickens by me to post on Etsy.com. Who knows maybe this is a new career!

where to begin . . .

The blank page is always intimidating. This I remember from art classes. Just make the first mark and go, it can't be wrong. Squeak Carnwrath was one of my first "real" art teachers. She would critique our work by making the noises she saw in our art. "I like how this part goes errrrrck pahh." There was always something to be appreciated in each piece even if the overall art was unintentionally tragic. So wanna bee is about what I want to be at this point in my life and forward. For several years now I have wanted to be a mother, it hasn't worked out so far, but I have more ways to get there. From my youth I wanted to be a comedian like Paul Lind or Charles Nelson Reily or a cruise director like Julie on The Love Boat. Art has always been a hobby - I used to say in college if I had any guts I'd be an artist, so that's why I graduated from nursing school, security.
I'm trying to remember that lesson from Squeak - even though each piece of my life is not a masterpiece there is at least a little bit in each part that I love.