My first ICLW - ack! don't look under my bed

All last week I was so excited for ICLW to come :o) - its like anticipating a party and great fun with friends.  But in real life I always get bitchy before a party, there is so much to do, planning menus, laundry, cleaning bathrooms and putting away things that are too personal for visitor's eyes :o).

Well, I didn't get around to rolling out the red carpet like I planned for ya'll. The bathroom is still dirty and lots of laundry and unfinished projects are laying around. And, oh yeah,  please,  please don't look under my side of the bed. And if you catch a glimpse of anything "personal" have the decency to ignore it - thanks, you know I'd do it for you.

Our story as of today. Hubby and I married for 3.5 years, done with TTC craziness, 4 babies that never were behind us now. I still have the 13.5 yr old stepson, and he is still very nice, a bit lazy and unorganized, but very nice. He will start high school in the fall. We are all eagerly waiting for our child to be placed. Since Feb 2010 we are a certified fost/adopt home with space for one brown child, hopefully a girl, but we don't really care. Room is ready with cuteness, go check it out!

What a difference a day makes

My work situation sucks. Yes I have a job. Yes I feel well paid. However on the best days I get to hear about abused children, their medical conditions, and a frustrating system meant to provide health and safety and some normality. Well then, add a very poor economy on top of the ugliness and there you have a sucky workplace. People have begun to hang signs outside their cubicles that read "The Green Mile." IMDB it if you need to.
Wednesday I have happy to leave work early even if it was for a pap smear. I thought I was doing okay walking into the office and filling out my paperwork.

Then came the questions from the MA -
What form of birth control are you using? 
Dang lady I am 44 can you read my chart?
Are you sexually active?
well what is the definition of active?
Really? You are not using condoms, something?
Nope
How many pregnancies have you had?
Four (oh here come the tears)
And how many children?
 none (more tears)


Then I fall into the need to explain my tears and I tell her I miscarried a year ago (again, can't she read a chart!) She tells me about another patient and her 12 week fetus that she miscarried at home and brought in. I wanted to tell her even though she thought that she could tell the 12 weeker was a boy that was unlikely since external sexual development was not differentiated at 12 weeks. Anyhoo she was getting too deep for me by asking why they couldn't tell the sex of my 16 week pregnancy, again she can read the Pathology report from my D&C - dang it!
More crying - MA left me, GYN comes in who knows all the details, more crying and then I'm out. Now is a good time for some shopping and cupcakes.
(side note - cupcakes no longer heal my woes, dammit)

And all of this happens the day before Hubby and I travel 250 miles round trip to put on our best parent to be faces for multiple county social workers. 
The "Family Faire" helps Social Workers for adoptable children get to know the available families in person. They also bring pictures and profiles of their difficult to adopt children. Usually older kids and sets of siblings, and kids with extra difficulties of all sorts. I was not thrilled to be attending, but again it is better than another day at work! Hubby and I were a little late, but we made our rounds at all of the tables and even gave out our home study to a couple of people. Everyone was so positive, all in all I think we made a great impression.
Dare I say it . . . yes - I think we will have a baby in our house by the end of September if not sooner! So today - I gotta go finish painting the trim in the nursery - yay!

PTSD

Today I am getting a pap smear. Really its not a big deal after all of the other things I've had poked at me in my nether region. But I am getting sick to my stomach. I have to walk back into the office where I was getting OB care for my pregnancy that ended last year in March at the ripe old age of 16 weeks. Yes, the pregnant ladies will be all over the place. Yes, I have to walk right by the unmarked door, now knowing that is the outpatient surgical suite. The place where they removed Blobby from my body in March 2009.
My heart has been beating faster all day just knowing I have to walk past these things, and look at these women. Some going through the same things as me, some worse things. Some are blindly cheerful having a perfectly normal pregnancy. I hate them, but at the same time I don't want to see their blind dreams of the future be crushed. Knowing not everyone is jaded or broken gives me hope too. Hope for what? I am not sure. Maybe its hope that I will be happy when my child comes along. Hope that I can let go of the worry and just enjoy my family as it is.

baby bee

A long time ago, in a land far far away, I had this crazy idea. "No matter what, someday, I will have a child to raise as my own!"
Mind you this was so long ago (1990s) that I wasn't even able to date someone longer than 6 weeks without finding good reason to shoot him down like a UFO flying low over Arizona.  Anyhoo since I knew a baby was surely on the way, I began mentally planning.  Then in the late 90s I got a bit more serious and bought a few things. Just some adorable baby toy that I would buy for a friend's shower, but I'd get two and save one for my future baby.
In case I never told you before, my nickname is Bee. As you might imagine some of these terrible cute items were "bee" themed. My best friend at the time was pregnant with her IVF twins and we had plenty of time to talk while she was on bedrest. So "baby bee" evolved in my mind with her encouragement. I accepted hand me downs from the twins, who call me Aunt (ant) Bee now. I had a box of baby things in the back of my closet. Here and there things were added. Did you know Eddie Bauer Home once had a bee themed baby bedding set? Yep got that, on clearance.
But there was a problem, baby bee had no baby daddy. I got sloppy with birth control and tried to get some tips from the girls on Maury, but that never panned out for me. I even tried the sperm donor/single mom by choice route, once.
Then I tried dating again in 2004. Lucky me there was a guy out there for me. I met my darling husband in November 2004. He came with a son who was 8 at the time. I made sure I communicated my desire for babies and just melted when he said he thought he had a couple more in him :o).

Fast forward past the wedding in 2006 and our first attempts at getting pregnant, blah blah, read the history in older posts.

Monday I was at home, sick - and I opened the "baby Bee" box. I am putting things out for the all neighborhood garage sale in May. I am surprised at my lack of atttachment to the once planned decor. It is still way cute and gender neutral, but that baby bee was a dream given up a long time ago. I'll keep some things, the Hello Bee book, Bee rattle, and Bee bib, but the other things were for a baby I never had. Time to move them along. I love the new room I have created for whoever lands in that space, but I don't think it will be baby bee's room.

I think I am beginning to feel the same way about the names we had picked out. A child adopted from fostercare comes with a name. Yes it can be changed, and once an adoption is final our last names will definately be the same. Do we have a right to remove the name that a child has known for months or years? I want to name my child, but Daphne, Zane, Violet, Minnie and all the other possibilities might have died right along with those fetuses/embryos. We'll see.

riding the waves

. . . or drifting might be more appropriate, like a jelly. There is not a thing I can do to speed up the process of getting a baby in our house. Deep breath, trying to be okay with that. Some nights while watching whatever I darn well please on the Tee Vee I have a grateful moment and know my relaxing days are numbered.
Other nights like tonight, I can't get motivated to do a darn thing because I have all the time in the world and what I'd rather be doing is giving Baby Bee a post din-din bath and getting ready for stories. I have shelves of kids books. I have been collecting them since the early 90's, just cause I love them so.
Maybe that's another time killer for the pre Baby Bee void . . . Okay get ready for some of my favorite kid books :o).

If you build it, will they come?

I know, I don't have a baby right now, but I have a decorated baby's room ! Is that really strange? Many people don't want to "jinx" the whole baby thing by making a nursery too soon. Dude my baby thing was jinxed years ago, so whatever.

To adopt a baby from fostercare you have to have a space ready to go, so why not make it look pretty?

First we have the boy's old room (before the remodel) - freshly painted with Valspar Lazy Days, a lovely soft aqua color.

I then found my inspiration fabric, hoping is wasn't too girly. I wanted bring out the orange, green and brown colors. Who doesn't love ball fringe? I knew it also had to be part of this creation. From this print I was inspired to add a tree and birdies to the wall. A dear friend helped me shop for coordinating prints and another worked with me on the super cute valance.

Then it was time to paint the tree.

and add some leaves. I new what I wanted the birdies to look like and I was fairly confident that my basic sewing skills could get me there. Again I relied on another friend to sketch out patterns for the two birds. Thank goodness she metioned interfacing, these little guys would not have made it into life without that tip. I knew the colors, orange felt for beaks, batting for a little puffiness and black button eyes.

Oh I just love them! I'm sure they are singing up a storm in that tree!  This is one of those rare times that my vision for the project came out just as I hoped. So the picture molding is the only thing left to paint. Maybe I'll tackle that tomorrow. For now I think I will just revel in the cuteness I have created :o).

Okay Universe we are getting very close to ready - where is our baby at?

Mean Mommy

I haven't ever birthed a baby, but still I get to be the Mean Mommy.
So to explain - I married into a ready made family, Daddy and Son. The Son who is now 13 goes between our two houses every other week. My issue? I have a problem with rules. Oh yeah, I love rules and the structure they provide, because then you can bend them and still be in the right. I also think learning the rules is an important task for a child to function in society as they would like. Once you know how to follow the rules them you can make choices. Some people make rules, then never follow up - I HATE THIS! And I think the bio mother of the 13 year old is just that kind of person.
13 year old got some poor grades based on his choice to not do homework and to lie to his parental units that he had none or that is was already done. Short term thinking obviously. So the bio mom was really upset about the lying and cracked down hard. I don't really have a say in all of this, but I am supposed to follow the rules. Homework first, no TV, no video games, no Yu gi go cards, no sleepovers. Fine I can do that, consistancy is one of my strong suits.
So spring break week comes and I take the time off to be with the 13 year old. Lots of adventure ideas dance through my head. Then his bio mom wants him to stay with her longer, cutting into our week. Who am I, what am I going to say, NO? So  fine now the 5 weekdays are only 3. The boy comes back to us with a cold - this is frequently the case. He's seen every movie already. I decide to give him a free day wednesday and mentally plan fun for thursday.

Wednesday night I ask - so did you get any homework over Spring Break?
Answer yeah, math, spanish, english.
Well its done already right? (I say recalling the rules)
No, I haven't started.

. . . WTF!!! inside my head voice - now I get to feel like a bitch and I didn't even make these goddammned rules!

So here I sit thursday morning knowing that homework is not really happening at any reasonable pace debating on leaving him here and enjoying myself or staying to crack the whip over his head. At least he is 13 and I can leave him alone!

I do feel the need to separate myself from a situation I cannot control, but I am torn because like it or not I am a parent to him too.

I also admit - this is one of the reasons I want my own child that just my husband and I can raise. No more group parenting please!