No worries this week

Some how It's easier to write when you have things to complain about. I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. IVF really takes the mystery out of pregnancy, sure no guessing when this baby got started!
Mostly I have intermittent freak-outs because I feel so normal. Last week I called and got a doctor appointment, just to see if the baby was still really there. The doppler doesn't pick up my baby's heartbeat yet. Not sure if that's just due to my belly fat or what. So we wheeled in the US machine and there was "Blobby" our little super active fetus. "Blobby" moves so much we couldn't use the fancy machine to hear the heartbeat either. Being a nurse there are a few things I want to know every time - what's the heart rate and is the baby growing properly? "Blobby" moves too much to get these answers, sigh.
My current goal is to walk a little more than not at all, and hold out on freaking out until the next appointment - wish me luck!

Congrats its a fetus!

I had my first OB appointment at Kaiser at 9 weeks 1 day- OMG! Prior to the appointment there was much freaking out. I don't feel pregnant, I'm not barfing my guts out and sleeping all the time. I was dizzy for a week and felt kinda gaggy, but now not so much. Having lost 3 pregnancies very early on - I was expecting the worst. But now we are in uncharted territory - we have an official fetus instead of an embryo! The ultrasound (coochie cam) showed the little 2 cm bean, big head, and freaky little limbs right where it should be placenta and all. And then it wiggled - okay that was way cool! I return for the 12 week exam in early February. Question is - can I stay optimistic now that my only symptoms are food tastes funny, bad constipation, and a bit of sore boobs? Who am I kidding? I'm all over the place, but as always time will tell.

no "man's" land

So here I sit in the world between the "really" pregnant people and my sisters in infertility land. I actually feel guilty for being pregnant when so many young, gorgeous, responsible women I have met are still struggling. Some days I feel sick and actually pregnant, but other days I feel fat and just know this pregnancy is not going to produce a baby. "Graduating" to the pregnancy after infertility group should be a good thing, but I can't stand to hear about baby clothes and finding out the sex right now, I'm not there.
I'm fighting those negative thoughts - it got the better of me yesterday afternoon. I was googling signs of miscarriage which led me to miscarriage remembrance gifts. Oh my god people - don't ever go there! I was planning out my bracelet that would contain birthstone for all my miscarriages, so far I have June, March and August. I had myself so worked up I called Kaiser trying to get an US today or anytime before my monday appointment. I'll hang on to my cell for dear life today waiting for the response to the urgent email the advice nurse sent to my doc.
I felt better after a good cry over how concerned the nurse was for me, sweetness always makes me cry. I sucked it up, dropped some visine, and went to science night. I had to be the dutiful stepmom until we got home and alone and I could confess my feelings to my husband in private.
Dang it! my phone just rang and i missed it!!! Private number - no message, argghh.

7 weeks

Last week we saw 2 gestational sacs and one had a heartbeat. The doctor said sometimes its too early to see the other one. I think we will only have one continue - that's fine with us, but I so want this one to be our baby. We'll have more answers at the US on monday morning.

pregnant until proven otherwise

I'm trying to hang on to this idea. I am pregnant, I am pregnant - okay yes it's a 6 week pregnancy, most people don't even know they are pregnant at this point. The US is today and I want to see a beating heart.

to be continued

I saw Zebras in the canyon.

The dream I remember from last night was about moving into a tri level apartment. Not sure why, but recall knowing that it was temporary and I'd be moving back home with my husband after some time. Outside of the apartment, in the backyard was a canyon. It was like the Grand Cayon, beautiful anf very deep. Other neighbors were outside and told me about the women's walking trail around the canyon rim. I saw two women hiking the trail with climbing equipment. The trail was clearly dangerous and the neighbors said people die on it all the time. I saw the women scramble over gaps in the trail where rocks had fallen away. "No Way man, not for me" is all I could think. I inched closer to the edge to seen more of the canyon and the river that was at it's bottom. Drinking from the river were 2 zebras. Someone said they've been there for a long time and no one can catch them. The were safe and happy at the bottom of the canyon.
I wake up today feeling overweight, not pregnant. I am trying to believe that the embryos I know are there and had a good start, are still there. Safe at the bottom of the canyon, untouchable and thriving.

5 weeks pregnant WTF???

I mean it's good, but it hasn't sunk in yet. A week from monday we will have the 6 week US and hopefully see a strong heartbeat. My Dr. has already warned me that based on my Beta HCG numbers, we could be having twins. I do love the idea of having more than one child. I know this will be my only pregnancy and it could be a two for one deal.
Last week I was freaking out that the first two numbers were good, but I assumed things would go downhill as before. So I went in early for a third test that was awesome. So I told my husband I promise to chill out now.
Having the curse of knowing too much and seeing too many of the things that can go wrong in a pregnancy and with babies' lives is working against me. I must vow to take this journey moment by moment and remember most things go quite well. Life is precious and durable or else we wouldn't have made it this far.
I still feel I am in no man's land - no pregnancy announcement is appropriate at this time. But my infertility sisters consider me "graduated." I guess it is like HS graduation, but you didn't get into college yet - still waiting for the acceptance or rejection letter. Maybe I'll get a job in fast food to kill the waiting time. :o)