wanna bee

out of touch

2011-11-29T21:01:00.001-08:00

Been so long since I have posted . . . I'm not sure how the other moms do it. I have no time at work to check the blogs or write my own.
Life is good enough. Hubby and I need to get our lives back sooner or later. Little Man is wonderful, funny and cuter everyday of course.
Adoption still not final, parental rights not terminated yet, but it is getting closer to the BIG .26 hearing!

Here is the latest surprising emotional roller coaster for our adoption journey.

Okay - so we are adopting from foster care. Everyone gets that part, parent losing their rights child in danger etc. Well it is a little different for us.

First we have no birth father, nope, none, nada, immaculate type conception I guess. Legally we have put that issue to rest. Of course at some point that question will come up. And I am sure it will be revisited at different developmental ages. But dang - how do you explain that birth mom doesn't know who birth father is, when you don't even understand it??

Next - the birth mom never hurt our child, but he was in danger, due to her mental condition. People make a lot of assumption when you have adopted from foster care. AND we got our baby when he was 10 days old - really an ideal situation for a child in foster care, no excessive placement changes.

Since mother eventually expressed she would like to relinquish her reunification rights instead of participating in the services offered, we have another twist. Mom's attorney has requested we have a future legal agreement for continued contact through LM's life.

Last week we met with a mediator and discussed many options. I know it is good for LM but it is really hard to predict the future and be held to an agreement for the next 17 years with a person I know VERY little about. We have been told over and over that we do not have a legal obligation to make this agreement, but I am trying to be open. After our first meeting, the mediator went back to birth mom to negotiate with her.

I got word back last night - Birth mom doesn't want face to face visits - ever. Says it would be too hard on her. I started crying, it felt so final. I hope our family and our life together is enough for LM. I hope lack of birth parents is not a huge hole in his heart.

Sept ICLW - love you all for stopping by

2011-09-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

I have been a bad poster! Good news it is because I am so happily busy at work that I have no internet time. Oh and I am trying to keep up with our little man when I'm at home.

I was watching him tonight - crawling on his knees now - he has given up the army style. He is just about to figure out pulling himself up. This boy has no fear! I think he'll be up soon. Tonight he would get on all fours and stretch out his legs, so his butt is the highest point on his body. I love the delight on his face when he figures things out.

Craftiness has been aching to come out of me. I love fall for the weather and the holidays and baking and Scrapbook Expo comes to our town!! Unfortunately I haven't done much with my photos since last year except take more to add to the pile.

Hubby has gotten very crafty lately - he has almost completed a deck off of our dining room. We have a french door to the outside and a small side yard. hubby has made the deck out of redwood and enhanced the look with real redwood slab bar and benches!! He is rockin' the power tools ladies - oh yes be very jealous :o) Pictures to come . . .

August ICLW

2011-08-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

You people are awesome commenters! Leaving comments for a month old post, so out of date!

Quickie updates

3rd week at my new job - I am in heaven!! Great boss who is also new, and a company that just got voted one of the Best places to Work in Healthcare. I am drinking the kool aid and loving it!!!

Little Man loved vacation with us - the sand and ocean were a huge hit. It was spectacular to just be a family together for 2 weeks with no visitation or social workers in our lives.

I got LM in to a photographer for classic naked baby pictures at 7 months old - love them :o)

Court case was heard - officially birth mom has waived her rights to services. More hunting is being done for a birth dad - (SW has been ordered to call a particular bar and ask for him, wow.) Visitation is once a week for one hour.

The .26 hearing is set for December 8th. If everything flew by perfectly we could be officially a family in spring of 2012.

And - drum roll - My parents are driving from North Carolina to California to come see our LM. POWER OF THE BABY!!! Rock on! Even bigger drum roll - I am actually VERY excited to see them :o).

Life is good, now if I could lose weight.

crap i missed it again!

2011-07-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

Yep I totally spaced on the ICLW deadline for being included on the list. Oh, but, here I am anyway. Today I am packing up my desk and sorting through 17 years of work junk. Obviously RIGHT now i am taking a bloggy break.

There are so many "manuals" I will not need now that I am leaving public employment, so many trainings, so rarely used. After 2 weeks at the beach :o) I will return and begin my new adventure with (you guessed it) new employee training! I just hope for some nice online reference vs. hundreds of dead trees in a PVC infested binder.

No news on the court process front for our Little Man. Verbally we know birth mom is committed to her choice, but it would be nice to have official recognition. We are going on our first family vacation with LM. We go to the beach every year usually for just 1 week. This year back in January before LM we planned on 2 weeks. The relaxation is going to be glorious! And it's perfect timing for my job transition.

I can hardly wait to share one of my favorite places with our LM.

and another thing

2011-07-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Hey people I forgot to share the other good news.

I got the job!!! I found out just before the July 4th holiday and my start date is August 8th - woo frickin hoo! There are so many pluses and only one minus to this transition, I am over the moon.

So why do I feel guilty for leaving my current employer? I will be letting go of that false sense of loyalty, don't worry. They would get rid of me in a heartbeat if the "business needs" dictated it. Actually I only have about 9 days of working in the office to go, then off to 2 weeks of vacation and on to the new job. I have been so angry at my work situation for the past 2-3 years. Layoffs of great co workers, seniority protecting the crappy ones, a demotion for me, a work place change that doubled my drive to work - all have added up to one giant pile of poop! Aside from those changes I am so over having my brain assaulted every day by the horror stories of what people do to children. I knew I was tuning out a few years ago and began asking for a change of venue/program to get a break from the ugliness. I have been told I am too valuable to my program to lose so I will have to stay. HA - I told them my choices were ask for a change or leave and now I can do it!!!

Having fantasies about dramatic quitting scenarios - any ideas my little internetties?

settling in

2011-07-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

Everything is still just ducky around here. I have just been trying to absorb the idea of our Little Man staying forever!! A social worker friend said she hopes birth mom doesn't get "wishy washy," and ya know, that did not bother me one bit. This is a big decision. Little Man is getting harder to care for not easier and I think birth mom sees that. It has not officially been put into the court record yet, but that is the next step.
She is also letting go of her baby items by passing them on to us. Last week we got 5 boxes of assorted stuff, blankets, newborn clothing, formula samples, baby beauty products, baby monitor, carrier, crib sheets, bottles, toys and books. I got teary sorting through the items and seeing the preparations that were being made. A few treasures were found. LMs hospital bracelet and a baby naming book with a hand written note. The note was baby name possibilities and the final name she decided on for our Little Man. It is so wonderful for him and us to have these things.

Little Man is now 6 months old, we go for immunizations today and i will update ya'll later on that. We are also outgrowing our first baby gear items. Off they go into the world of baby recycling! Stay tuned.

drum roll please!

2011-06-22T18:26:00.000-07:00

We met with Birth Mom, her attorney and the county social worker today after their visit.

SHE ASKED US TO ADOPT Little Man!!!!! So officially she is giving up her rights to reunification services and designating us as the people she wants to adopt her child!!! Court will be scheduled for next week so they can make that part official. Then the 26 hearing for termination of parental rights. Noticing to 2 other potential fathers to come forward for testing. All in all a finalized adoption takes time, but we are well on our way!!!

She said she wanted him to have a good home and can see how bonded he is to us. She wanted to tell us herself. The first thing I said is "are you sure?" then Yes of course and Thank You was in there too. I can hardly believe it. I feel emotionally exhausted. Still there are many questions and details about continued contact for us to discuss. Visits are being decreased right away, so less disruption to LM's schedule.

It is no longer a fantasy - our LM is not going anywhere :o).

OMG I just found this fortune on my desk - "Your dream will come true when you least expect it." Wow.

wrapping up loose ends

2011-06-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

. . . well that's what I WANT to do, but it's not gonna happen tonight.

I find myself waiting for news or answers so I can write a coherent post for ya'll. I want to wrap up my concerns and put a neat bow on them. I fear if I posted daily about the changes and details of our life it would be a horrible roller coaster ride!

But I do know a few things right now . . .
1. I am not going to die right now from anything going on in "ma belleh" I had a CT scan this morning and everything looks normal. So my belly pains are unexplained, but as of today they are much better.

2. I had a great interview last week! And right now I am waiting to get an official job offer. :o)

3. LM had roseola last week, but he is fine right now.

4. Biggest news (and the cliff hanger until next post.) Birth Mom and her attorney want to meet with Hubby and I tomorrow after the baby's visit. The county Social Worker did not tell me what the meeting is about, but did say it not anything bad. Of course my mind is filling in the blanks and making up wonderful stories right now. Stay tuned.

Hey remember that Van Halen song

Van Halen - Right Now by VividJame

enjoy now until later

Wanting

2011-06-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling anxious.

Nasty weird dream about rain and our house floating off its foundation. Woke up feeling very unsettled. And tired. LM got up at 4:30 ish and just needed holding, I was sleepy, but it was nice. Okay the dream might be related to the "rain sound" CD that LM sleeps to and the novel I am reading The Children's Hospital, at any rate I woke with a feeling of anticipation and possible doom!

I WANT the new job. Today I go for the second interview to meet the big wigs.

I WANT LM to stay with us forever. Visits are to be increased and I am nervous about how it will all come together. December is the end of 6 months of services for Birth mom. LM will be almost 1 year old. I can't imagine him leaving us. I can't imagine him living in a home that is not ours. Way in the back of my brain I know it is possible, but in order to keep my sanity and care for my baby boy, I have to believe he is ours forever.

I will deal with reality when it changes.

where are we now ?

2011-06-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's what I have been told. Court case has moved past the Juris/Dispo level and now we are into 6 months of services for mother, finally! No bio father has been found, and sounds like all leads are coming up dry. The potential to place with Grandmother is a dead issue.

There was a suspicion on the part of the Bio mom's attorney that somehow we "pulled strings" and got this placement as a favor. (Yeah right!) The placement with us was being contested and it felt really bad to think our Little Man could be moved because of the appearance of shady dealings. At any rate I guess the right people were asked the right questions AND bio mom is happy with the placement with us so the issue has been dropped.

Bio mom is going to have 6 hrs per week of visitation. I am going to assume this means 3 - 2 hr visits, but I have not been contacted officially yet.

Little Man is funnier everyday. And at just over 5 months he is eating eagerly and self feeding with those weird rice "crackers."

The biggest news is about me! I have a great job interview last week and I am going for the second interview on Tuesday. I have been unhappy in my job many years and am ready to move on. The new job will be mentally challenging and VERY close to home. Plus I get to work with a friend! Oh please let this all come together. Other item about me - not so fun. Been having belly pain for a couple of weeks. I am scheduled to have a CT scan on the 21st of this month.

things are looking UP

2011-06-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

Our Little Man is alomst 5 months old and full of smiles, slobber, grunts, and funny sounds. Last week . . . nope, no resolution officially at court, but a shift did happen.

Monday visitation is supervised by our agency's social worker. Birth mom had lots of questions about myself and hubby. She also stated that her mother said NO to raising the baby (again.) And Birth mom said she liked that LM was happy and clean with us and asked if we could adopt him if she cannot get him back!

Holy yippee bat man! I don't know who has been talking to her, but someone has and we could not be more thrilled! Last Friday due to county staffing issues I supervised the visit and she asked me the same thing :o). I just told her she need never worry - LM can stay with us forever.

No word on paternity results yet. The county social worker tells me she thinks the potential father only agreed to test because she threatened to come out to his house. AND he is married with children, so looks like he is trying to keep this possibility quiet for now. It is doubtful that he would want services.

Again I am told 6/6/11 is THE date for jurisdiction, hi ho, we'll see . . . (sigh) anyway.

Welcome ICLW!

2011-05-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

The three words I use to describe my blog are loss, adoption and craftiness.
Craftiness takes many forms and can be seen scattered throughout my blog. This little shrine was something I created after misscarriage # 2 or 3, I can't remember. The Artsy Fartsy page has some of my photos - I really should post more here.
Loss is from our 4 miscarriages that include failure of a donor egg pregnancy at 16 weeks. Loss also includes our fantasy about adoption.
We are fost/adoptive parents simply because we could not afford domestic adoption after spending so much on assorted ART. We also feel strongly about adopting close to home and are hoping to have a somewhat open relationship with birthparents of our forever child. Our fantasy was crushed back in November 2010 and we will never be the same.
Currently you can read here about Little Man! He is now 4.5 months old and has lived with us since he was 10 days old. He is a joy, HUGE, smiley, cuddly and a great sleeper. He is part of our family and we are loving every minute. He is placed with us through CPS of course and the legal process has been muddy at best. We knew his mother would get reunification services and we are rooting for her success. Problem is, it is 4 months since his placement and we don't have a plan from the court. LM visits his mom 3 days a week with supervision. He has had no contact with a father or any grandparents, BUT mom's attorney has asked for a trial contesting his placement with us and asking for LM to be placed with maternal grandmother. Current word is the trial on the placement issue will be next week 5/26/11 . Hold us in your thoughts. I have come to a calm place about the issue. I can do nothing, I don't know the whole story, justice and what is "right" is very subjective. So we live our lives - loving our baby boy as long as he is with us. Oh and I am actually excited to hear that 2 men are being tested for paternity. One we know is not the father, but the other might be.

close call for Dad

2011-05-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

That is my Dad, not Hubby aka Daddy to our Little Man.

So it goes like this - on Mother's Day my Dad was so sick they went to urgent care. My Dad lives in North Carolina with my Mom who recently survived her second cancer (colon this time.) Both are in their early 70's and doing alright. So Dad had several tick bites over the last few weeks and now felt really crappy. Blood work showed he was VERY low in infection fighting white blood cells and also very low in plateletts that help you stop bleeding. The standard antibiotic was given assuming he may have one of the 10 possible infections carried by ticks. Dad got sicker and sicker and put in the hospital on Wednesday 5/11. Antibiotics were changed to IV and they seemed to do no good. Blood work was still very concerning. Oncologist came to see Dad, bone marrow aspiration was planned for 5/13/11. Just another reason I wanted to cruise through last friday. In my head I was signing - "Don't nobody bring me no bad news!"

Leukemia was the worst possibility, but I won't keep you in suspense the bone marrow was fine days later. Dad went home on monday feeling much better. I don't think we had a definitive diagnosis, but we all vote for the tick thing.

As for court last week - who knows. I wrote an informational letter to LM's attorney just to get it off my chest. We never heard if there was another continuance or if we had disposition. Now it is a week later and not a word from anyone. LM felt poorly over the weekend and then I got sick for the last few days. Looks like we are both better and happy to be heading into a weekend.

Another hearing date

2011-05-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

Getting dull for you all yet? Yes another hearing is set for this week 5/12/11. Maybe it won't be continued again, maybe it will. This time I am sort of afraid of the outcome. I know a grandma has asked for placement, but she previously said she could not do it. I have also "caught wind" that there is questions about why LM was placed with us, and out of his county of origin. I don't know why, but I hear mom's attorney is trying to imply we got placement as a favor because I know some of the county employees.

Bull Shit and distraction by a lawyer trying to buy time for the client. That's what I think anyway.

I want to get through thursday, and I am feeling like I don't want to answer the phone or go to a visit on friday.

I feel like a fake mom

2011-05-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yes I do all the mothery things and I know I am THE MOTHER in the mind of our Little Man. At the same time there is still turmoil about LMs placement with us. I heard the birth mother's lawyer is arguing that the baby should not have been placed so far away. I also heard grandmother is interested in him now, when she already said she could not care for him. By the way, grandmother lives as far away as I do. All of this is a distraction from the real question - can birth mom be a Mom? How about leaving the boy in one spot so he can thrive until we get that question answered.

Yesterday as we made brunch for my mother in law and Granny I felt unable to soak in any praises I got for being a good mother. I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out and dump me on my ass.

first day at daycare

2011-05-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

Went well for little man although it was certainly atypical.

7:30 drop off by mommy (me)
10:30 pick up by SW that little man has never met & drive to visit
12-1 visit with birth mom
1:30 return to daycare
4:30 pick up by daddy
5:45 mommy home from work and can't put baby down!

Luckily that is just on monday. Tuesdays and Thursdays are more normal. Wednesday Daddy takes LM to a visit and friday Mommy has driving duty.

Daycare lady says LM had smiles for everyone. Glad he was happy - I was . . . not so much.

baby stats

2011-04-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

Our little man was just barely under 17 pounds and 25.5 inches long at his 4 month exam today. Doc commented on how beautiful his skin is and of course everyone is charmed by his ever present smile and cheery disposition.
I'm cheery too because he sleeps all night and rarely fusses! He's probably just born that way, but I will take full credit :o).

Oh and I asked birth mother how the hearing went yesterday . . . . .

drum roll please . . . . .

Awww damn it - continued again! Fuck me

Times they are a changin'

2011-04-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

So today was supposed to be the continued hearing once again - I'm taking bets - who thinks it was continued again for some new BS reason? Who thinks we now have a completed Juris & Disposition and now the 6 month clock for services begins?? Truly I do not know. I am not sure I even dare to ask.

Next Monday life changes drastically for all of us. Yep I go back to "work." I tell you I am hooked on the money, but I feel largely useless working in the governmental swamp that is my current job. I continue to look for a better work experience. Lucky me I have a friend on the "inside" at another employer trying to help out.

Little Man goes to daycare next week. I found a very homey home in our neighborhood. I am going to try to get myself out of bed at 5:30 am to get him ready and me off to work by 7:30, wish me luck. Hubby is on pick up duty. Monday he will go to daycare and then be picked up by a Social Worker he has never met to be driven 60 miles each way for a visit with his mother and then be returned to daycare. Tuesdays & Thursdays he gets to just hang at daycare. Wednesday Hubby takes him out of county for the Mommy & Me class then sends him back to daycare for a few hours. Fridays I take him for a morning visit then back to daycare so I can work half a day and hopefully not get fired for excessive time off.

4 month old baby shots happen tommorrow - I'll check in with the stats for ya'll after our appointment.

Myth Busters for RESOLVE

2011-04-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

Okay now - sorry to be misleading, but you won't find Jamie and Adam here, try the Discovery Channel. This post is to bust one of the many myths surrounding family building after the diagnosis of infertility.

"You can always adopt a baby!"
Nope really you can't. There are many qualifications expected of adoptive families. Type of adoption doesn't really matter.

International adoption comes with the most specifics. My hubby and I have been married before to other people. Some countries would want us to then wait to apply until we have been married 10 years, by then we would be out of their age range.

Money is an issue of course. Maybe you already shot your wad on IVF - oops no cash for that domestic adoption. And crazy as it sounds domestic adoptions are cheaper for browner children. Makes me sick to think this country still doesn't value all children equally.

Foster/adoption - not for the faint of heart. Yes you may get a baby placed in your home, but can you tolerate the limbo of the court system for months or years? How will you eventually explain the family formation to your child? Can you stand to have your heart broken once again? Are you ready to take on the traumatized child's pain? If you stick with it (and pass the background check, etc.) this is a sure fire way to become a parent, but at what emotional cost for everyone involved?

see more myths here

good luck all wanna bee mommies and daddies - fingers crossed for all of us

Nothing is promised

2011-04-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

Things change oh so quickly. I was feeling confident last week and just about to buy more furniture for LM's room. Yesterday that changed. My SW New Stork came for a visit - we have been ordered by the court to have 3 visits per week. Starting right now. Okay I am off for 2 more weeks before the return to work so I will work it out. Plan has been I will do friday visits, hubby will do wednesday visits and the agency will do the third. Well - New Stork is leaving town for another job. Both agencies are complaining about being short stafffed, so supervision is difficult.

This part pisses me off - a lack of visits therefore not following court orders makes the court pissy. I hear not everyone is pleased that Little Man is placed so far away, so we need to have visits be a non issue. So the systems BS could get this boy taken from the only home he has known so he can be closer.

Another bomb dropped, grandmother is now requesting placement. I have no idea if this is a real threat to us or not. I know the court favors relatives and not much weight is given to the child's bonding in foster care.

I've been a very good mother to LM, better than I thought. I don't know how to handle this new turn.

who's your mama?

2011-04-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

I get a big thrill every time Little Man is held by someone else and looks for me. People instinctively say "Where's mommy?" It's heart melting.
Yesterday I was picking LM up from the visit with his birth mom. She was talking and cuddling him. LM saw me and smiled and leaned my way. I don't think the birthmom took it poorly. She kept talking to him and me, she said "ah-goo." This is a common sound from LM. Then she told me she has written down "ah-goo" in his baby book as his first word.
Back out in the car driving away with my baby I wanted to cry. What kind of mom am I? I have no baby book for him. What will happen to her if she can't get this boy back? What is Mother's Day like for us?

This week I also had a visit with the county social worker. It answered a lot of questions and gave me hope that LM will be staying with us for along time and likely forever. There are plenty of hoops to jump through and a long drawn out legal process for the birth mother to go through, bless her heart. And starting asap we will have to take him to 3 visits per week. He's part of our family and we will work it out.

Broken record

2011-04-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Yep you guessed it the, disposition hearing was continued again. Now until 4/7/11. I did find out the reason is related to something the birthmom doesn't want to do and CPS is asking for. Well hummm we'll all just ponder how that is going to play out. I don't know why I bother my pretty little head about these things. I have no way of knowing the decision making process in these types of situations. I can guess that safety of the child is the primary goal, not really quality of life.

When I think about how it is to be the birth mom I get sick. I hate to have such joy at the cost of someone else's pain. My ideal now would be to adopt little man with her blessing and be able to keep in touch with her and her family. Am I dreaming? We'll see. New Stork is going to attend the court hearing this week and report back to us. We also discussed filing for de facto parent status. It is something I need to research, but would give us a stronger legal standing.

On little man news - he is 3 months old! Over 16 pounds now, cooing, drooling and smiling like crazy. This weekend we had our first cold together, but he is much better already. I found a home daycare to begin in May when I have to return to the job I don't much care for anymore. I know daycare is a fact of life for many of the children in the USA, but wouldn't it be nice to have a government that supported a parent at home with the child for at least the first year of life? I am lucky that FMLA laws exsist and that I can afford to take off those 12 weeks. My work has made it clear that I must return when that time is up. No extended leave for me. I hope the transition and life in daycare is not too traumatic for him.

ICLW ~ come on back now, ya'hear

2011-03-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome friends and "I Com. Leave We" peeps. Well today was the big day again.
Annnnnddd, I still know nothing.

Our Little man has lived in our home for over 2 months and NO county social worker has come to see him at our home. Today was going to be a visit with his SW and the SW from our agency AKA New Stork. We were hoping to hear how the very important Jursdiction/Dispostion hearing went that was supposed to happen on 1/27/11 and then got delayed until 3/7/11. I got a call this morning from the county SW and she has to go to court on another case so no visit with her.

I asked a bit about the case. There are only two names of men who may possibly be his bio dad that they can try to track down. No word from either of them. The JD hearing DID NOT happen on 3/7/11 because the mother's attorney asked for more time. It is now set for 3/24/11. I have no idea what that might mean. I also expressed my concern regarding logistics and visitation once I go back to work. Again kind of a moot point to make a real plan until the JD hearing is done.

So we continue to wait, while LM gains weight. Check this out.

LM's hand (the tan hand) at 11 weeks is bigger than the hand of our 5 month old friend! I think he's gonna be a big boy :o)

2 months with Little Man at home

2011-03-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

Time flies. Two months already, but I wish we could fast forward 6 months, because that would mean LM was even more likely to stay with us.
Right now I have our agency social worker visiting us once every 2 weeks instead of weekly - yeah! The visitation schedule is still at 2 days a week, but now I take LM to meet his birth mom at a "mommy and Me" class that lasts 1.5 hrs on wednesdays. Friday visits are the same 1 hour at the CPS county office. Next Monday the county social worker will be coming to my house for the first time. I am hoping to get a better picture of where we are headed at that time.
LM and I have our routine, morning nap, poop, afternoon nap with eating and playing in between. He is a happy little guy. We have "spa night" every once in a while when he gets in my big tub with me. He loves to float in the water, all that baby fat sure is bouyant! But how does the boy get so much dirt under his nails???

time for a random cat picture . . .

Jack is up top and Dorian is getting a bit too big for the condo.

baby roulette

2011-03-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am playing a game, trying to weigh the benefits vs. risks of putting everything I have into this baby boy. At first it seemed like a no brainer, easy, jump in give him everything and keep him forever. But things have started to change, not in my heart, but with the county who placed him with us.
Last friday I was told LM and his "mother" would be starting baby and me classes making his wednesday visit longer. I thought, oh Okay - so we can make his wednesday visit longer and drop the friday visit. Oh no, the person who supervises visits said "We really should be having 3 visits per week." Never mind the price of gas and my gussler car, but I was shooting for less visits NOT more!
I was in tears for the drive home friday and semi pissed off all weekend. I have to return to work in May. I was hoping we could be down to one visit per week and that Hubby and I could swing that. Should I go back sooner to hopefully save some of my time off for another placement? Is the county going to move the baby from our home because we are too far away to support reunification efforts? We are the only family LM knows. If he goes back home do we have a right to have placement later if she fails him again?
The child was remove from the mother in January and FINALLY the Jurisdiction/Disposition hearing is set to happen this thursday. We aren't allowed to go or to see the court documents, but there will be court orders that greatly effect our lives. It sounds horrible to have him move just because we are too far away and I have to go back to work. 3/21/11 our New Stork and the County SW will come to meet at our house and see LM in his home. I have know idea what things will look like by then.
It doesn't really matter that he is doing well in our care. Its all about getting him back to his birth mother. She didn't really do anything wrong, but she has an illness that needs to be under close control in order for LM to have a safe life with her. How do you measure that? The next few months may go well for her, but her life could easily fall apart. I just want him to have a good future life.
I think I have shot my wad gambling on this baby.

Jack the junkie

2011-03-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

One of our cats has a problem. Maybe he was taken from his mama too soon.

Hubby picked out this kitten because he thought the kitty looked like he needed help. (I picked out the other one because I thought he might be able to kill squirrels someday, but that is another story.)

Jack is hooked on silicone baby bottle nipples. He also thinks all of the baby things are for him. I could almost understand that one, but Dorian knows the difference between a cat toy and a baby rattle. At first I thought it was the milk - what kitty doesn't like baby milk right? I found myself having to shoo away Jack from every feeding, and quickly get the mostly empty bottle over to the sink. Very soon Jack found our stash of clean nipples in a bowl by the sink. I would find nipples on the floor looking like this.

One I found was entirely severed. A few days later cat barf revealed where the silicone tip had gone. We changed our storage method and now all clean nipples are kept in the salad spinner WITH the lid on it. As long as we remember to keep it closed they are safe. Dirty nipples in the sink are not. At first he would not fish them out of the standing water, but the "nipple jones" cured his fear of water. Then we discovered a high layer of dish soap bubbles bought us more time. But no soap seems to last all night and Jack can be a patient junkie. For now we a dishwasher basket in the sink to put the dirties in - have to remember to close that lid too! I stopped counting after Jack destroyed 6 nipples. I just buy more and try to be vigilant.

The really funny part is the crazed look Jack gets in his eyes when he actually fools us and gets his prize. You can hear him jump up on the counter and if he is successful he will run wildly around the house. I chase - he runs, but has not figured out to go where I cannot follow. Eventually I get the nipple back. Hopefully with no puncture wounds.

We'll see if Jack can kick his habit before we move on to drinking out of a cup!

The current schedule . . .

2011-02-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

So in the life of foster care to adoption you get lots of new friends.
We have a busy schedule right now and thank goodness we do not have extra doctor visits because Little Man is a normal healthy boy.
New Stork visits us every week, right now on monday mornings. Twice a week, wednesdays and fridays, we drive 120 miles roundtrip to see Birth Mom for an hour of supervised visitation.
Last week I met the County Social Worker who is in charge of the case now. She will be coming to our home at some point. I am not sure about the frequency of that visit.
No use for me to get cranky about the intrusions into our life because this will be the pattern for some time to come. I guess in one year from now we might have less people in our lives, but there is just no telling.
Today I feel very accomplished. I was able to make valentine jam thumbprint cookies for my hubby AND take care of an awake baby.
Little Man is sleeping right now and I think I'll get daring and attempt to shower AND wash my hair.
Crazy I know.

Ice Breaker

2011-02-09T08:28:00.000-08:00

Yeah so we did have that meeting one week ago. It was very casual - Just us. Hubby, Me, New Stork Little Man and Birth Mom. Not even a single person representing the county that took the baby from Birth Mom. But then again they said the point was to talk about the baby and not the case. Alright - Birth Mom was "fine." She told us what she knew about Little Man, which isn't a lot since she has not had him with her. We let her know he is doing very well. Our New Stork tried to ask some probing questions about possible fathers, but it got nowhere. I think there are some very fuzzy details in Birth Mom's mind.
Funniest part she said she was concerned that we had to drive so far to bring the baby, but we looked like older people and were probably good drivers.
Hubby and I left feeling nothing but compassion for the Birth Mom. If she can do this she needs to get her baby back quick. The "clock" of services will not being until the next hearing is done. That hearing got pushed back to March, apparently there is more to investigate before the disposition. September would be the month for termination of services IF she shows no progress.
Hard for me to focus on just loving the little guy while he is here, but now that he smiles a bit its easier to live in the moment.

on edge

2011-02-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

Not because of the baby, no Little Man is still awesome. Sometimes he sleeps a little less, sometimes a bit more.
No I am on edge because tomorrow we meet his birth mother. This is an organized meeting between all parties involved to communicate about care of the child. And, I suppose, to form partnerships in the reunification process. All good things.
I prefer my current illusion of LM as my forever child. I know its a lie I tell myself. I know it is for his good that we find out as much as we can about his bio family and support his mother in getting well. Maybe they have even identified a father by now. It would be nice for LM to at least know who the guy is or was. I can run wild in my head making up the endings to stories, maybe we'll hear some facts tomorrow. I must suppress the urge to present myself as the superior parental choice for LM because truth is, it is not a choice right now. The court has its standards and bio parents hold the rights.
No matter what LM gets a "win" and that is good.

First weeks reflections

2011-01-26T19:18:00.000-08:00

I love having Little Man here. He is a wonderful reminder to enjoy each moment because we do not know what the future holds.
A couple of weeks before we got our LM I was at work and had a terrible, sad, realization. I was in my cubicle which is situated just outside of a conference room. This room is the main place where social workers meet with parents who are at risk of losing their child or have already lost them and are working to get them back. These meetings are called for all parties involved to share information and to have some very "straight talk " about how things are going in the home and what needs to change for the child to go home. I have sat in on many meetings - usually when there is a health issue in question. The meetings are intense and often lots of tears are shed, maybe a little denial, hopefully some better understanding comes about. So this particular day the door opens and a woman is sobbing right outside my cubicle. The sobbing continues despite the "comforting" from the SW. Security is called, mental health is questioned, just because she said "why would I want to live if I can't have my baby?" I felt so sorry for her. Like a ton of bricks I realized my joy will not come without someone elses pain. I will not have a child without another family losing a child.
I feel very torn these days. I love LM. I want him to have a whole complete healthy family. I want his family to be successful and change their lives for his sake. And I want them to fail so he will never leave us. I want them to want LM to stay with us because they know it is best if they cannot make him safe.

Such a strange position to be in . . . .

How about a cute cat picture?? Lookee!

Yes - that is the old school desk I have restored! I kept it very rustic and the kitties think it's an awesome place to sit and look at birdies.

so sleepy

2011-01-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

Our Little Man is awesome! He went from 8 lbs 13 oz last week to a whopping 9 lbs 9 oz this week! We see the cardiologist tommorrow and then hopefully things will slow down a bit. Usually he sleeps quite well, but last night we were all off. Hubby woke me up at 2:45 so I could take over. Rough night, not a lot of crying, but LM would whine everytime we put him down.
Tonight I swaddled him and put on the white noise CD - we need better sleep today! Oh and happy ICLW :o)

no more waiting

2011-01-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

Little Man is with us and getting in the swing of things. I got to sleep from midnight until 4 am then back to sleep at 5 until 7 am. I feel refreshed. LM is still asleep. I need to call for a doctors appointment, so I am waiting for the office to open right now.

He has really funny facial expressions and is over 8.5 pounds of baby boy. The world of social workers descend on us tommorrow. We have a visit from our agency and I'm sure a call from his county to set up visits. It's been wonderful to have a three day weekend of just us and Little Man.

leap of faith in progress

2011-01-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

got another call from our adoption stork - no our healing time is NOT up, but we have again been offered an infant. And we said let's do it - I feel very calm about this one.

stay tuned

update - there is a baby boy who needs a home and we have agreed to take him in and love him for as long as we have him. Reunification will of course be offered, but it seems like it will be a tough road for the mother if she is able to do it. Baby boy is 5 days old, 10 pounds and has not left the hospital yet. We may pick him up tommorrow. This time I kind of feel prepared, except for baby clothes for a 10 pound boy!

possible movement in my direction

2011-01-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

Just spoke with the Grand Pooh-Bah of adoptions in our county. He was supposed to get clarity from my agency for my Big Boss about why my job position presents a conflict of interest. Yeah ! GBP does seem to understand that staying at this job gets in my way. He agrees I would not be able to adopt from our county if I stay here. AND he is calling my BB to tell her what he has discovered.
At least we have some clarity. Now if they want to screw me over they have no excuse, but meanness.

Today I spoke with the baby girl's social worker and sent pictures of her with us from her 2 days at our home. I hope baby girl is told the complete story of her life someday and that she knows we were a part of it too. I still miss her.

Still waiting . . .

2011-01-10T12:54:00.000-08:00

Before Christmas I had requested a job transfer - see this post. Well, no news so far. To give you idea of the crazy I have to deal with, here is an exact quote from my direct supervisor sent to me in an email.
"I am reasonably sure that you will be granted a transfer, but wouldn’t put any stock in it. I just hope things work out well for you." WTF??!!

So when I come back in January I happened to check the job board and there is the job I want posted for everyone to see. Not that there is anything wrong with posting it - in fact it is the right thing to do! So I called the contact person AND sent her an email. I had to call her the next day to get acknowledgment that my request had been received. The supervisor for that position is in the loop - she knows I want to come over, but she said they are not sure when they will be setting up interviews. Come on people!

This month I will reach my 17th anniversary working for this county. Help me - I must be sick. Really . . . I guess I am more like a junkie - hooked on vacation days and other benefits. Arrgggh. Got a government monkey on my back.

Black Cake

2010-12-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hubby's family hails from Belize and the Bay Islands of Honduras. Lucky for me I love islands and oceans and Carribean food. Granny and Bita have told me about island recipes one being Bun, yes just Bun. It's a bread of sorts, very dense slightly sweet white buns. Tried to make that a couple of years ago, mine was not so good. So this year I have made Black Cake. Essentially it's the island version of fruit cake. I have seen several versions, but here is the recipe I used. Also a lovely article about Black Cake.

Cakes are currently in the oven - they must bake several hours. The fruit did not "stew" for months in the rum, but it did complete 2 days and looked like this!

Oh yummy smells are coming from the oven. Black Cake doesn't have large chunks of fruit, you grind the fruit and it looks like

The most fun comes when you make the burnt sugar - for once burning something is a good thing. White sugar, a hot pan and a wooden spoon.

The sugar gets very dark and starts to smoke then you pour in water.

and there you have burnt sugar! Tangy and sweet

The cakes baked up very nice. Not as "Black" as the Black cake I have seen from relatives in Belize, but oh so rum-fruity tasting!

Buh-bye to 2010 and getting our feet wet in fost/adopt world. Hello 2011 and our new forever family - whatever that looks like!

May your reality be bigger and better than you ever dared to dream. I have loved gaining new readers and finding my bloggy people out there on the "interweb."

Peace out . . . . bee

Christmas break

2010-12-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

For the past several years I have taken vacation between Christmas and New Year's Day. I love it. I am reminded of being in school and that glorious winter break! Of course just getting a break from my office is wonderful as well.
Of course the son has school break and Hubby has taken the week off as well. And the best part - we have no real plans :o) . No major tasks to complete, just taking each day as it comes. We have been playing with our new toy Kinect for Xbox 360. Amazing, futuristic and physically exhausting! Today I will be entertaining my nieces and nephew while their brother has surgery. Cats are going to the vet for one more immunization. I have partially cleaned up my crafty area. I made pralines (meh.) And I will be making Black Cake in the next couple of days, right now the fruit is soaking in booze.
Christmas was fun playing with friends and our small family. Having this week off makes it feel like a continuation of the celebration. Not sure what are plans are for the New Year, but we will probably be at home as usual. I love home.
The week before Christmas I had some hope about transferring out of my position at Child Protective services. Unfortunately a nurse in our county suddenly died of a brain bleed just after Thanksgiving. It was shocking for us all and left a hole in a busy program within our department. Budget crisis being what it is in California, we have not been allowed to fill positions as we are expecting more cuts. At our department holiday party, I was speaking with the direct coworkers of the nurse we lost and found out they did plan to fill her position! It hit me like a ray of sunshine - if I could transfer into that position then I could adopt a child from my own county!!! Right away I pulled the director (Big Boss Jr.) aside and told her I would like the opportunity to interview and expressed how it would help my husband and I. I was tearful of course 'cause that is how I roll. The BBJ said she would make it happen and that she had no idea my job was a barrier. Over the next few days I followed up and BBJ got more details from me about the conflict of interest so she could explain the need to our Grand Poobah Nurse. They had a meeting and I was asked to write a memo requesting the transfer.
I sent my memo and GPN responded the same day with a horribly disappointing email. She was "glad" to inform me that she had found a solution that would keep me in my position - NNnnOOOOOoooooo! She had spoken to the high up in county adoptions and came up with a "solution" that my agency and I ruled out months ago - fuck! I spoke with the adoptions people and explained that we had been down this road and agreed that it is inappropriate to have a SW that I sit beside place a child in my home! duh!!!
After several calls and a few very controlled emails, I was left hopeless. Clearly my direct supervisor is against this move. I have directly stated that my options are to transfer within the county or leave county service. I made a call to my agency SW to do damage control, because I feel it might look like I am trying to get around the rules we have long ago discussed. Voice mail was the best I could do before a holiday.
I will take up the fight again when I get back to work. I have given 17 years to this county and I'm asking for something small. My direct supervisor is an idiot and had been unable to learn our program. That's why she doesn't want me to leave. Bitch.

When in Doubt . . .

2010-12-18T08:51:00.000-08:00

Bake!

Today I mailed out packages to family containing goodies of distraction. Baking is a wonderful avoidance technique for me, but it is unfortunately weight inducing :o(. So in these times of WTF sharing the calories is the best plan I have.

This year's list of goodies includes: homemade crack.er jacks, cocoa rum balls, almond chocolate toffee,

gingerbread cookies, Grandma's date nut rolls, coconut joys AND I still want to attempt (drum roll please)Pralines!

Of course my kitchen is left looking quite a mess. I don't have a problem with the mess, eventually it will get cleaned up. This year we can't wait for eventually as we have two crazed kittens who love the counter tops and drinking water from everything except their water dish. In addition kittens have an endearing way of making everything a toy . . . right now I can't find the decorating tips from the cookie icing earlier this week. Probably under the couch with the toy mice and several of my earrings.

Ahh kittens.

WTF adoption fail meeting

2010-12-08T11:23:00.000-08:00

So we went into our agency yesterday for our WTF!? meeting. Both hubby and I were pleased that they seemed equally horrified at how everything went down. Clearly our New Stork is a very new stork, but she seems to have a very experienced supervisor. It felt good to give feedback about how things could have gone better, and how they could have supported us.

Counseling was offered, and we were told we should take a 3 month break for healing. I am a little surprised at how "okay" I feel about taking a break. I have been on a fast timeline since we got married, no breaks for me, times-a-wasting! Hubby would like a slow down, I know, so there we are.

February is the next Family Faire and will be our new "coming out". So my focus will be on us, craftiness, holidays, and keeping the kittens from destroying the house. I am SO glad we have these fur boys. Constant entertainment!

Peace on Earth 2010

the one that got away

2010-12-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

Bee, baby girl and Dorian kitten

We still have not spoke with our agency since giving back the baby. I guess because of the holiday and weekend. Not sure what we think of the whole situation and how to move on.
Many thoughts have come to mind, some of them actually NOT containing four letter words.
First of all I am thrilled to have had the opportunity to take care of a newborn in my home. I have lots of baby experience from my work, but this was so different. Hubby and I worked together like a well oiled machine. We are parental Rock Stars! After the initial buckling into the car seat I didn't have a moment of doubt. We could meet this baby's needs for ever and ever! I really had nothing but sympathy for the birth parents and was eager to take her on a visit so they could see she is well cared for.
Another realization - that might have been my only trip to a hospital to pick up a baby ever. Foster/adoption doesn't usually begin at the hospital. Really, baby girl should have gone to an emergency placement while they worked out who had claims on her. She took a detour to our house before landing with her already adopted sister.

This was amazing - It hit me last night.
I have never been able to pour that kind of love on anyone before. Hubby is different, stepson is different, kittens are different. Nothing is like mommy love on a baby. I feel like it's been pent up inside, eating at me. I didn't really know what that feeling was; like I had been wasting something. So part of me got a taste and I want more. Another part just wants to be satisfied with the little bit I got and end the suffering for myself and our family. We'll see.

a mother for 45 hours

2010-11-24T19:04:00.000-08:00

I had not sat down to give you all details and pictures of our new baby because we were busy, busy and tired.
But today things took a terrible turn for us.
I had agreed to take the baby girl to a visit at her home county office 60 miles from my home. Little sleep last night, but we were on the road at 8:45 and made it to the 10 am visit. I handed the baby over and her SW needed to talk to me. We knew our baby had a two year old sibling and I specifically asked if they had been ruled out for placement when they offered the baby to us. Apparently I know the rules better than the social workers because they told me we were good to go. Not so much. At 10:15 I get told we have to give the baby to the other family, and the sooner the better.
I was alone, hubby and stepson at home prepping for Thanksgiving. I had to drive home in holiday traffic, while sobbing and talking to myself. Then break the news to my husband who is scooping up the baby and telling her he has missed "his girl." He was dumb founded, pissed off and called the agency. No one can say anything except sorry. Our agency doesn't "transport" but my husband was so sad and I am glad he stood his ground. He told them we would bring them the baby and they could work out getting the baby to the other family. I had more time to absorb the situation, Hubby and son were sobbing as we fed her and took goodbye pictures. Keeping her any longer would have made it worse I think. So at 2 pm this afternoon we took her to our agency and handed her over to our SW.
For the last kick in the groin? They needed to borrow our car seat for her - yeah awesome.

I can haz bebe?

2010-11-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

Well she's sleeping in her crib and the cats are very confused. We are happy.

Holy Cow

2010-11-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

I am somewhere between thrilled and about to cry and OMG I'm gonna throw up.
New Stork just called - 3 day old baby at the hospital needs to go home today - very low risk of reunification.
Crap I gotta buy a car seat. ANybody have that list of things to buy??

Happy ICLW and american Thanksgiving

2010-11-21T17:37:00.000-08:00

Short summary -
Married and TTC since 2006 at the ripe old age of 40. All my numbers looked good, SA awesome. One pregnancy on our own - very early miscarriage.
6 IUIs with injectables resulted in 2 pregnancies one lost at 9 weeks, one with no heartbeat at 7 weeks.
All miscarriage blood work is normal. The REs decide donor eggs are the ticket for us.
First donor egg cycle - not many eggs, fresh transfer = BFN (there goes all our money)
Second donor egg cycle (shared the donor with another couple) got 14 (2pn) put away in the freezer. No fresh transfer because lucky me I react poorly to Lupron and it makes my lining thin!
November 2008 - transferred 2 day 5 blasts after thawing and growing 7 of the 2pns. Pregnant at last with a 26 year old egg!
Biting fingernails for week after week - finally starting to relax after asking for US at 13 weeks. 16 week check up baby is dead and shrinking. D&C done March 2009, and so are we.
After much discussion - we decided to move ahead with fost/adopt classes and flush the other 7 2pns. We just can't put another dime into this.
February 2010 - approved home study and officially waiting - again?? Waiting for what now? Well who knows, stay tuned and find out.
Lately I have been trying to remember what I did before thinking about pregnancy and babies all the time. Oh yeah I was obsessed about our wedding! But before 2006 I did have a life I swear. Here and there in my blog you'll see my crafty projects and baked goodies. Hoping to rediscover my lighter side and my artsy side. I need a break from waiting and wanting!

putting on a show

2010-11-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

Today we go to our third "Family Fair" at our agency. I didn't sleep well last night. I have had my clothing picked out for a week or so. I curled my hair with the special curling iron I bought yesterday. Not very impressed with my curling skill even though the iron is the best thing ever. I am wearing a great color. Hopefully I look like a mom. As I was picking my jewelry I had an A-HA moment. I am trying to be memorable, something other than us being the ONLY interracial couple. So I busted out my old oneness symbol. This is the symbol of the interfaith church I used to belong to, but it is also a beautiful symbol of peace amongst religions. Why today? It is a conversation starter. It sticks in people's heads. It is also a sweet reminder of so very wonderful times in my life.
I hope it helps.

more craftiness

2010-11-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

I cannot take full credit for this back yard art, but I am very proud. Hubby and I are at the end of our remodeling and with the help of IVF also at the end of free flowing cash. SO we have become more creative in our use and reuse of building materials.

Without further delay I bring you Backyard Door Fence! The doors were leftovers from our remodel and also solid doors I purchased from Urban Ore in Berekley CA. A solid wood fence over 8 feet high WAY cheaper than any other type of fence we could erect. (snork, hee hee, I said erect)

Fueled by beer and snacks our friends came over to decorate the salvaged doors. The paint was cheap "oops" paint from the local big box hardware. Each door is a completely unique creation, we gave no parameters and look at the result! Since the painting frenzy day more details have been added. Look forward to a post with some closeups. AND as for the old school desk . . . wood parts are refurbished and inside protected from the elements. Hopefully this weekend I can clean up the metal legs and put it all together. Stay tuned.

cry baby

2010-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

So if "paper pregnancies" were always 9 months I would be quickly approaching my due date. See the darling ticker on my sidebar. As we know paper pregnancies are never predictable, never premature, but often feel overdue!
Our new adoption Stork recently sent a flyer for a structured support group to run over 5 weeks. "Waiting for the Call" is just what it sounds like, and I felt like a complete idiot last week at our first meeting. At first I didn't even want to go. The topics for dicussion sound like an extended day at work for me. I already work in the child welfare system, I really prefer to forget about my work day after hours. But we didn't really have a reason not to go to the group and maybe somehow (insert magical thinking here) this is the ticket. The universe will see how deserving we are and grant us the perfect child because we are willing to go to this group that we really don't need, right?
As we sit in the room waiting for others to arrive I start getting teary. In case I haven't said it before - let it be known I am a big fat cryer! The more I think about trying not to cry, the more I cry. Not a big sob, but the silent tears streaming down my face are unstoppable. The group is being lead by a social worker who has also adopted. We go around the room, intros, where are you in the process? and why you choose adoption and this agency? BECAUSE I am teary already the SW starts with me, WTF??? Way to put me on the spot. I am quite sure I had the ugly face cry going as I shared that we have been waiting 9 months since approval and over 18 months since we decided to adopt. I mentioned that we had done IVF and had 4 miscarriages. My husband chimed in that actually we have been trying to add to our family for over 4 years. The looks on the faces of the others was awful. Pity, I hate it.
The rest of the room - an older newly married couple beyond child bearing years, wanting an older sibling set, a single 40+ man and a single woman. Foster/adoption was the first choice for each of them. Subject for another day - how do you tell your adopted child they were not your first choice? Yep kiddo, it was either adopt you or remain childless.
At home I explained my crazy thoughts to my hubby. As I was crying and talking all I could think is that the group leader was going to report to our new Stork how obviously I am emotionally distrubed and we are NEVER going to get a kid - waaaahhh!

fuzzy love

2010-11-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

So here's our newest additions - two boys, each about 4 months old. Sweet as pie when sleepy and tearing each other apart when awake.

I don't think we'll be having a Christmas tree this year. Or maybe I can just decorate it with cat toys.

Dorian is the grey baby and Jack is the sleek black boy. It is so wonderful to have more life in the house. It was far too quite and empty this past month. I am going to live in my little world of denial for a bit longer. You know what? Maybe I don't even want a baby anymore. Babies can't even purr! Is anyone buying this? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I got bummed the other day because our SW emailed to sign us up for the "waiting families" support group and to tell us about the next Family Fair at our agency this month. I don't really want to be reminded that we are waiting still. And I am afraid to be recognized at the Family Fair as an "old family." I can just picture the interactions with county SWs. "Oh yes, I remember your family from the last Fair . . . well you'll get your match eventually." This is worse than being picked last for dodge ball. Just throw the ball at my head now, let's get it over with!

I haz two kittehs!

2010-11-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

I promise pictures soon! We adopted two little boy cats last Friday. The adjustment to each other and our house has been very fast. My house plants are in danger, but my dusty corners are clean! One forgets how easy the old cats are compared to active climbing kittens!

more soon . . .

Carly's Story

2010-10-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

Our very old kitty was put to rest October 2nd. I have already been out shopping for a new cat of course. This burning need of mine to push down the empty place left by our last cat sparked an emotional conversation with my husband. But more on that later - this is Carly's story.

Spring 1991 I went to our local SPCA looking for an orange tiger cat. I had been catless since graduating college a little over a year before. The current boyfriend came with me and pointed out a yowling kitten who was hanging on the side of her cage. "Hey this one has an orange leg." Nope I wanted and orange tom cat, cheaper to fix. I walked over to the cage and right away the kitten claws were in my sweater through the bars. She was not letting me get away. So papers were completed and the crazy kitten came home.

I had never had a cat with this coloration - tortishell with tabby stripes, a Torbie they say. I had no idea at the time, but it is well know that these little girl cats come with a very chatty "Torbie-tude." One of our vets said they are the crabby little old ladies of the cat world, and in fact one of Carly's nicknames was Crabby Patty.

As a kitten Carly never walked, she was either running, climbing or asleep. Even when sleeping she seemed to rest with one eye open. This was not a cat you could sneak up on.

Early in her life I almost lost her. My tiny apartment back yard seemed secure enough so I'd let her go outside for bits of time and one evening she didn't come back. She was gone with nothing but a flea collar on. I had written her name and my phone number inside of the flea collar, but other than that she was just a stray cat now.

Our search efforts were in vain, until about 4 months later when a phone call came. Turns out Carly had been living an alternate hippie lifestyle about 10 blocks away and was now know as Daisy. The people who had taken her in never thought to look inside her collar until she began to outgrow it months later.

Carly picked up some street skills during her time living as "Daisy." Over the years she had come to be know as "The O.C." as in The Original Cat. She preferred to be the only cat in our house. Little did I know her preference to be the queen would drive her to murder! Oh she was a clever one, her paws were never bloodied, but other cats were in danger in our house.

First there was Pepper a sweet innocent "Nermal" type. One morning I found his little body in our side yard limp and lifeless. Weeks later I came home to an awful sight my big grey tabby Grady had been attacked by two dogs in my backyard. Turns out they were also responsible for the death of Pepper. Where was Carly in all this? Carly spent her days sleeping on the roof well out of danger. Those dogs? - Hired killers I say!

Once again Carly was the only cat, but life changed again. Divorce. I left the house and yard that Carly loved and left her with my soon to be ex. The ex moved his girlfriend in and her cat, who mysteriously disappeared in a matter of weeks - go figure :o).

I had acquired two kittens (Huey and Bianca) after leaving the house and Carly behind. More than a year later I got a call to come get my cat or she was headed for the pound. Carly and I were reunited once again. Well on my way to being a crazy cat lady I decided three cats was not enough and added a rabbit to the mix.

Carly laid low for several years. I think she was gaslighting Bianca. Bianca was an odd eyed white beauty with a personality disorder. Carly knew how to push her buttons. Over the years Bianca became so badly behaved that she became our "garage kitty." I'll never know exactly what happened, but Bianca went missing and was found later curled up on the front porch. She looked peaceful, but was indeed dead with not a scratch on her. Carly seemed pleased. The rabbit was next in a matter of months.

Huey was a big dopey Black and White cat who greeted everyone at the door. Our little family met a wonderful man who had his own cat Xeno. Next came marriage and we all moved in together. Xeno was 3 years older than Carly with failing eyesight and poor hearing. I don't know if Xeno ever knew there were two other cats in the house. Carly decided to live in the basement at first. Huey avoided Xeno and it seemed like everyone was happy. Poor Huey got sick, some sort of cancer. I tried to treat it for a while, but he was miserable. I don't think I can blame Carly for Huey's illness, but she sure was happy to have him gone.

Carly came out of the basement and Xeno still did not notice her. Carly would arch her back and hiss at Xeno as he calmed walked by her. She didn't know what to think. Surely this ultra cool cat was some sort of ninja! Xeno was a large smokey black cat with a siamese face and yowl. Eventually age got the better of Xeno and he passed at the ripe old age of 21.

For a couple of weeks after Carly found herself all alone in the house she would walk by Xeno's bed and hiss. Carly finally discovered she had cleared the building and came out of the basement for good. Now that the house was clear she was going to take on the yard. At 7 pounds and shrinking Carly had a big cat voice and the spunk to put up a good act. We did not let her fight the neighborhood cats or the friend's dogs who only wanted to cuddle up to her or play. Lucky Carly Kitty she got to live out her last years as the queen of the castle, eating all of the tuna she could keep down.

Our dear friend Jane watched over Carly while we took our summer trip to the beach. Jane made up a little song to sing to Carly:

Carly is a pretty kitty

She’s a pretty kitty, Carly kitty.

Carly doesn’t have a kidney.

It’s a bummer not to have a kidney.

Carly has a bunch of tumors.

It’s a bummer to have lots of tumors.

Carly says it sucks to get old.

It really sucks to get old Carly kitty.

We will miss you Carly kitty.

We will truly miss you Carly kitty.

Carly is a pretty kitty.

She’s a pretty kitty, Carly kitty.

Isn't that the sweetest?? I loved it. I had heard it before without the "we will miss you" part. Carly loved it too, just like an old crabby sarcastic lady would!

Oh, and "Hi" ICLWers . . . Really it's not always like this, but my cat just died and I'd rather not think about how long we have waited for an adoptive placement or the 4 babies we have lost. And back to the emotional discussion hubby and I had. Hubby said he has not differentiated waiting for this child from waiting for a successful pregnancy or delivery. He said he's been waiting for four years already :o(. I guess I forgot while I was "doing" this or that treatment, he's been waiting for our baby. And so we continue to wait.

Project Distraction

2010-10-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

Alrightee! The votes are in and I have finally downloaded some before pictures for you all.

Here's the school desk I bought at a yard sale 7+ years ago.

Two metal legs and three pieces of wood, should be easy!

1891 Buffalo, New York. Not sure if this is original, but it's cool anyway.

Monday is a holiday for me I promise I will work on this project! I have the perfect place for this little gem in my dining room. Let the distraction from reality continue!

poor kitty

2010-09-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

My cat is dying. I don't know when, but it's got to be soon. She doesn't seem to be in pain, but she obviously has very low energy. She can't keep her food down and is now eating and drinking very little. Okay, I knew this was coming, she is 19.5 human years old. In cat years she's a 94 year old lady and still very spry until a few weeks ago. I hate to "put her to sleep." Even though it is merciful in many situations it still feels like taking a life. I don't think I can do it this time, not unless she seems to be in intolerable pain. AND tomorrow is the teenager's 14th B day! It would so suck to have the cat die on his birthday :o(. Friends are coming over after school, and you know, cat death is a real downer. What ever happened to the simple days of my childhood when cats just ran away, never to be seen again?

I lied

2010-09-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ya'll probably saw right through it. I have not completed all the projects/tasks that I have wanted to finish before we get our child placed. I just feel like a cheesy whiney pity party right now.

Uhmmmm so, the other stuff I do besides whine and pout and complain about being well paid to do virtually nothing is to be CRAFTY. So I think I'll focus on that for a while, sound good people? I have been getting a little sick of myself.

Hard part is focusing long enough to complete a craft.

Here's a picture of a little shrine I made after one of my early miscarriages.

So in this little box we have a pear in the background and a shrinky dink baby hanging by a read thread. Written around the outside is a quote from Kurt Vonnegut. "I wanted all things to seem to make some sense, so we could all be happy, yes, instead of tense. And I made up lies, so they all fit nice, and I made this sad world a paradise."

Here is a rare occaision to chime in - what project should I take on next?

A) Getting "Toe Sock Chicken" into production for my Etsy Store?

B) Scrapbooking our remodeling project that was mostly done 2 years ago?

C) OR finally refinishing the 1800s style school desk that is in pieces in the garage?

D) None of the above.

Happy ICLW everyone - looking forward to lots of good reading this week!

Foster Kitty

2010-09-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

Distraction is always good for me. I can get obsessive, especially about negative happenings. I was enjoying prepping for the baby that doesn't live here yet, but now it feels a little embarrassing. Like buying your wedding dress before you've even met Mr./Ms. Right. Styles change, bodies change, my personal taste changes. If I knew what age or size child I was getting ready for we could do a few more things. As for now I am at a stand still.

I had my mind set on a placement taking at least 6 months, well now we are into 7 months. I have been hoping to take the holidays off to bond with our child, and now the holidays are coming very soon. I was hoping to visit family at Christmas with our new child in tow. But I need to be able to buy tickets soon for Christmas, and I don't know how many to buy.

I had projects I planned to complete before we had a baby in our house. They are done. I need come up with new distractions. I am afraid of the sadness of another birthday without a child or another Christmas. I was hoping to "trick or treat" this year.

Last week I had a day or two of distraction in the form of a fluffy kitten!

foster kitty - aka: princess G, T Rex, Sam and finally *Ponyo*

A momma cat that lives outside of our work building gave birth to six babies. My old kitty is still around and not interested in sharing her home, but a friend needed my help. She was not ready for the kitten to come home to her kids. As well the kitty was used to living in the bushes and was quite a fighter. I agreed to keep the kitty until he could settle down. Foster kitty was brought through the house and set up in our master bath where old Carly would never find him. He hid behind the toilet and explored when he was alone. He would "spit" when you reached to pick him up, but if you didn't fall for it he was happy to be held. By the end of 24 hours he was meowing when we left him alone and wanting to follow us everywhere.

The hubby called it - time for kitty to go to his new family. I think it needed to happen before Hubby and stepson fell in love. So kitty was sent home with this little girl and her family. I hear he loves to be wrapped in baby blankets. I'm sure he'll be wearing clothes soon.

back to square one

2010-09-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

Well, looks like NONE of the potential matches are coming our way.
2 yr old toddler boy landed in another family as did the 3 month old girl. The potential relinquishment due in September changed her mind. The kid we heard about in June is still a question mark, but I think family will take him along with his sister instead of splitting them up.
Our home study was submitted for a 7 month old caucasian child with some health issues, but the SW says she is flooded with interest. Not really interested in her anyway (protective mode.) We are wanting to give a brown child a home and I know lots of people want white baby girls, so she'll find a perfect spot.

I don't like this - not one bit. It's just as bad as getting your period. Bonus! - you have the added pain of knowing a social worker assessed you to be not as good as someone else.

Awesome, apparently we suck.

national Teddy Bear day

2010-09-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

Also known as our wedding anniversary! And wonderful weirdos day - especially in Austin TX. And the day California became the 31st state.
I have been working on our history together - my goodness time flies and we have been very busy.
Happy Anniversary my dearest husband :o)

no news is no news

2010-08-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Nothing to update regarding babies in our house. New Stork told me thursday she was not expecting to hear from the other counties by the end of the week and she was off on vacation next week. Of course someone will cover for her if there is major news for us, but at least I can quit obsessing about "the call" for a week while she's doing what ever New Storks do on vacation.

SOOoooo - one of the other things I like to do with my time is stay crafty. Scrapbooks are a big outlet for me. I have been wanting to detail our ups and downs of TTC since we have been married, but it's been too painful until now. I dug through the box of Blobby memorabilia last night, no tears, but I didn't take a long looks at the multiple US pics. I need to find my folder with medical receipts and get the 2006-2009 calendars out. We have had two wonderful cats die during these years as well.

Huey

Xeno - the old man at 21 years!

Each time I was pregnant it seemed a cat would die. We put Huey to sleep on the same day we saw the heartbeat of #2 pregnancy. Thank goodness the pregnancy didn't end on the same day as our poor Huey's life.
Oh yeah AND we remodeled our house from March 2008 until December 2008. We had to move out to an apartment for 4 months during that time.
So we've had just a smidgen of extra stress in our almost 4 years of marriage.

Our remaining cat Carly is 19 years old and very much the typical chatty tortie type. For the past year or so she has been growing lots of little bumps. We had a couple removed in the last few weeks and now they seem to be growing even faster and cropping up in new places. Poor old kitty, she seems fairly happy and loves to just be close to people, but I can tell we are coming to the end of her life. The vet said her kidneys were the size of raisins now. Carly will STILL try to fight any cat that comes into her yard - spunky she is, but not smart. She only goes out for small supervised sessions.

Carly - she always looks pissy

Happy end of ICLW to everyone - thanks for reading!

Hey baby . . . :o)

2010-08-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

So today I did hear back from the New Stork :o). Baby Girl has her social worker checking us out and says they are making a decision on a family by the end of the week. I guess that county looks at several home studies and then chooses? I have many more questions to ask about BG, but somehow it feels rude to ask when I am not sure we will be the chosen family. Ya know? What is the etiquette?
Also we heard back about Toddler Boy. He'll be 2 in early September and his parents have already had their rights terminated and do not get any visits. Now that is an attractive feature! Again I have some questions about his development and why he is behind. Good news for him - he has only been in one placement since removal from his parents.
I gotta call New Stork and get some details.

Obsessive behaviors . . .

2010-08-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Currently I am checking my email way too frequently. Looking for any email from the New Stork, she had promised to get back to me about those marshmallows we have toasting over the fire! And again I find this process to be very much like dating. "I'll give you a call" means SO much to me, but it might not mean the same thing to the Dude dropping the casual line.
Please don't say things you don't mean and be accurate with your words! I am a person who actually listens and makes a mental note in her calendar highlighting the days you might be calling.
Another current obsession - followers! I am amazed that people have found my blog and sign up AND leave comments! My followers are in double digits now - 10! A whole TEN people, most of which I do not know IRL. It's so exciting!
That's the post for now, but I'm sure I'll be checking back often today. It's still early :o)

checkin' out my profile

2010-08-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

This is starting to feel a little like internet dating . . .

New Stork sent an email letting us know our info had been requested for a 2.5 month old baby girl. Very exciting! Several marshmallows are in the fire, we'll see which one sticks! Now I want s'mores.

Feeling random, can you tell? Hey did I ever tell you guys about my state fair cookies? TAH-DAH

spicy mexican mocha chocolate chip cookies!

I entered them in 2 contests at the CA state fair this year. They were judged to be a first place cookie, but did not win the division. In another contest they got an award of merit - yay me!

alrightee - nighty nite bloggy pals

New Stork, New Stork

2010-08-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

So last week we met with both the old and new Adoption Storks. Old Stork is moving to another office in the agency, oh AND she is clearly pregnant now - due in November. Well, good for her, good for us getting a New Stork.

Kinda cool side note about our New Stork, she was recently laid off from my employer and was lucky enough to land this adoptions job. While I recognize her name from work I never worked directly with her. But New Stork KNOWS the craziness of my job and current employer.

We talked about 4 possible matches last week. One boy now 6 months old we heard about when he was 4 months old, turns out they aren't going to place him until September, so who knows. Another 2 children presented to us have severe enough health conditions that makes us say no thank you.

Just writing this makes me feel picky. If a child was born to me with a condition I would be all for it, my baby, my life and off we go. But when given the choice, I figure there is a better match for us.

The other potential child is not born yet! Mom is due in September and will be involved with choosing the family for her child. We know nothing else about this situation, but I can assume if the woman is planning to relinquish her child through the child welfare system, then there is some sort of CPS history. I never expected to potentailly get a newborn!

At any rate looks like we will be waiting for another month at least while things continue to shake out. Oh well, September has always been one of my favorite months :o)

DIY adoption placements

2010-08-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

Doing nothing just doesn't sit well with me. "Relax and wait, its in good hands." Nope can't do it!
All this waiting for "the call" is for the birds! I know that's how it happens, but I don't like to feel like I am in the dark.
SOOOOOOOO since I work with social workers for child protective services and I can't get a child from my own county, I have started reaching out to other counties. A few weeks ago I emailed friends who work in other counties our family available form. Just a little shameless self promotion.
Yesterday I called the nurse in a neighboring county that does the same job I do. No I don't know her, we have never talked. I wasn't even sure I had the right phone number. I left a vague message in my sweetest voice and got a call back within an hour.
I had to admit my inquiry about adoption was for myself. The nurse was just a doll! When I told her my husband and I were a home studied family and are ready and waiting for a child, she said "oh that's so exciting!" This nurse also said their county has had lots of safely surrendered babies lately, but she'd check with the adoptions workers about placements out of county. I thanked her profusely and expected a call back later in the week. Surprise she called back in an hour and told me to have my social worker send my packet to her lead adoptions worker. The nurse said there is a woman they are working with who wants to safely surrender her child and she wants to help select the family! She is due in September and wants the family to come to the birth "would you be interested in something like that?"
uh, YES!!!! So call to the adoption stork and our info was sent off!
More later about our transition to a new Adoption Stork and the possibilities of other children :o) . Feels like things are starting to move for us!

getting a new Stork

2010-08-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

The Adoption Stork called again the other day. No, not THE CALL. She's moving to another office, so we are getting a new Stork. Hubby and I were so deflated that this call wasn't about a child, who cares about a new stork.

We are meeting on friday with the old stork who is passing us off to the new stork. I really don't care one way or another as long as placing our child with us is the result. Oh and now we've been waiting 6 months - child please - I am done waiting - thank you.

I really want to quit my job right now!

2010-08-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

No really - I do. If I wasn't addicted to money and healthcare I'd be outta here! I can't even claim to want the "stability" that some jobs provide, because STABLE is not a word that describes my workplace.

So here's the basics without naming names -
I work for a government agency in a California county greatly effected by the poor economy. Public service is severely cut these days.
I have a very nice lady as my supervisor who was moved into our program a year ago because of cuts.
She has not been able to learn our program, but that was okay because all of the people under her already know how to do their jobs.
More cuts this year resulted in us losing experienced people and taking on new people who were cut from other areas. Again all very nice people and BONUS they are all very competant.
This year I got demoted, but am essentially doing the same job minus a few extra duties that now fall to my boss or to no one.
Problem comes when the boss can't train the new people to do the job!
Poor newbies are frustrated, bored and confused. Boss is increasingly overwhelmed. Me and the last standing experienced co worker are trying to hold down the fort. Jumping in and doing the Boss duties is very frowned upon as that might undercut her authority. Downward spiral, circling the drain, ahhhh crap!

So get another job you say?

Plus side - Potential for happiness. Gaining access to foster children from our county currently blocked due to conflict of interest. (I would have a kid by now if i had access to our county's kids!)

Negative side - Losing the ability to take massive time off from work when a child comes into our lives. Vacation, sick, bonding time, 9/80 work schedule, super short commute. BUT you can't take massive time off at a new job. That pile of vacation and sick time? You can't take it with you!

Well just call me Major Major Major Major cause I'm in a Catch 22!

"the call" - kind of

2010-07-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

We're back from a great vacation. Our family is a beach family. Mountains and deserts are stunningly beautiful, but the beach is THE BEST. This year, some friends with kids dropped in and out over the vacation week. Quite an assortment of children and parenting styles to be observed. We love interacting with children - hubby and I find them fascinating.

Our teen (now 13.5 and about to enter high school,) was terrifically tolerant of all the little kids and high noise/activity levels.

I have to admit, if we had a child placed with us before vacation I don't know how we would have fit all of us in our car! We brought all the comforts of home with us :o).

So back from vacation and feeling a little worried about how long we have waited. "Conflict of interest" eliminates access to children in the county I live and work in. At work I have social workers telling me "If only we could do it - I have the perfect baby for you!" However we are going to need to find a child elsewhere - or I can quit my job (very tempting.) I stay because I have vacation and sick leave saved up to take care of my new child, and the benefits are quite good in this poor economy. Just to feel like I was doing something I gave our SW a call at the agency and left a "touching base" message. Previously we had heard about a baby boy who might fail to reunify with his parents and could be available in August.

Tuesday evening I get a return call from The Adoption Stork who lets me know there is no new news about the previously discussed baby boy. BUT she wanted to tell me about another "situation." So my heart starts beating fast, but I wasn't really sure if this was "the call" people talk about or not. Short version of the phone call - toddler in another county, boy, (blah, blah blah) for the sake of his privacy. I listened and asked questions, most questions lead to more questions, but no answers. My heart sank hearing about what he has been through and knowing he needs a forever home. I told TAS I would discuss it with my hubby and call her the next day. Before I got off the phone I knew this was not the situation for us, but felt the need to take some time and see what hubby thought.

I thought I would be the holder of "the line." My hubby thought he would take in any child offered to us. I found it very hard to say no, super guilt inducing. Hubby said yes the boy needs a good home, but we need a good fit for our family. I had nightmares related to the call that night. We said no.

relaxing . . .

2010-07-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

It's vacation time at our house so I'm checking out for a week or so, but wanted to share one amazing thing with you.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CYCLE DAY THIS IS!!!!

Really I'm clueless. I have always had very regular cycles 27-29 days, no problemo. And of course we IFers know the hormonal details of each and every cycle day - all the while dreading cycle day UNO when we are TTC. And even when we are not TTC the back of our minds know and hope for the Miracle - I finally relaxed! - pregnancy.

Apparently I have let it go - who knows, who cares. I am focusing on surviving the recent job layoffs and truly just checking out for a week.

I'm sure my new obsession will be waiting for a placement - 'cause I starting to get antsy :o)

My Five

2010-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

Thanks to bloggy pal Libby for passing on this awesome award.

I do so love the naked Barbie sex image, but shouldn't they be in a shoebox??

So, The Plastic Joy Award requires that I list my five secret "lustees." Wasn't there a Friends episode about the five people you are allowed to have sex with and your partner couldn't get mad at you? I am not sure why this is a freebie list, but rest assured my darling hubby, this ain't never gonna happen!

1. Naveen Andrews - oh, he had me at The English Patient as Kip (wow that was 1996!)

2. Kurt Vonnegut - wise, sarcastic, human and a bit glum (oh and now dead, bummer)

3. Tony Curtis - the young version, so very pretty (sigh)

4. Prince - yes, it's one of my dirty little secrets, shut up!

5. Just about any dancer boy on So You Think You Can Dance. :o)

Tagging others to receive the award

Tori to give you something else to blog about.

Persistently Patient because she is a big Friends fan, and the distraction might help during an upcoming 2ww.

Samba I know her list would be as unique as mine.

My first ICLW - ack! don't look under my bed

2010-06-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

All last week I was so excited for ICLW to come :o) - its like anticipating a party and great fun with friends. But in real life I always get bitchy before a party, there is so much to do, planning menus, laundry, cleaning bathrooms and putting away things that are too personal for visitor's eyes :o).

Well, I didn't get around to rolling out the red carpet like I planned for ya'll. The bathroom is still dirty and lots of laundry and unfinished projects are laying around. And, oh yeah, please, please don't look under my side of the bed. And if you catch a glimpse of anything "personal" have the decency to ignore it - thanks, you know I'd do it for you.

Our story as of today. Hubby and I married for 3.5 years, done with TTC craziness, 4 babies that never were behind us now. I still have the 13.5 yr old stepson, and he is still very nice, a bit lazy and unorganized, but very nice. He will start high school in the fall. We are all eagerly waiting for our child to be placed. Since Feb 2010 we are a certified fost/adopt home with space for one brown child, hopefully a girl, but we don't really care. Room is ready with cuteness, go check it out!

What a difference a day makes

2010-06-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

My work situation sucks. Yes I have a job. Yes I feel well paid. However on the best days I get to hear about abused children, their medical conditions, and a frustrating system meant to provide health and safety and some normality. Well then, add a very poor economy on top of the ugliness and there you have a sucky workplace. People have begun to hang signs outside their cubicles that read "The Green Mile." IMDB it if you need to.
Wednesday I have happy to leave work early even if it was for a pap smear. I thought I was doing okay walking into the office and filling out my paperwork.

Then came the questions from the MA -
What form of birth control are you using?
Dang lady I am 44 can you read my chart?
Are you sexually active?
well what is the definition of active?
Really? You are not using condoms, something?
Nope
How many pregnancies have you had?
Four (oh here come the tears)
And how many children?
none (more tears)

Then I fall into the need to explain my tears and I tell her I miscarried a year ago (again, can't she read a chart!) She tells me about another patient and her 12 week fetus that she miscarried at home and brought in. I wanted to tell her even though she thought that she could tell the 12 weeker was a boy that was unlikely since external sexual development was not differentiated at 12 weeks. Anyhoo she was getting too deep for me by asking why they couldn't tell the sex of my 16 week pregnancy, again she can read the Pathology report from my D&C - dang it!
More crying - MA left me, GYN comes in who knows all the details, more crying and then I'm out. Now is a good time for some shopping and cupcakes.
(side note - cupcakes no longer heal my woes, dammit)

And all of this happens the day before Hubby and I travel 250 miles round trip to put on our best parent to be faces for multiple county social workers.
The "Family Faire" helps Social Workers for adoptable children get to know the available families in person. They also bring pictures and profiles of their difficult to adopt children. Usually older kids and sets of siblings, and kids with extra difficulties of all sorts. I was not thrilled to be attending, but again it is better than another day at work! Hubby and I were a little late, but we made our rounds at all of the tables and even gave out our home study to a couple of people. Everyone was so positive, all in all I think we made a great impression.
Dare I say it . . . yes - I think we will have a baby in our house by the end of September if not sooner! So today - I gotta go finish painting the trim in the nursery - yay!

PTSD

2010-06-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

Today I am getting a pap smear. Really its not a big deal after all of the other things I've had poked at me in my nether region. But I am getting sick to my stomach. I have to walk back into the office where I was getting OB care for my pregnancy that ended last year in March at the ripe old age of 16 weeks. Yes, the pregnant ladies will be all over the place. Yes, I have to walk right by the unmarked door, now knowing that is the outpatient surgical suite. The place where they removed Blobby from my body in March 2009.
My heart has been beating faster all day just knowing I have to walk past these things, and look at these women. Some going through the same things as me, some worse things. Some are blindly cheerful having a perfectly normal pregnancy. I hate them, but at the same time I don't want to see their blind dreams of the future be crushed. Knowing not everyone is jaded or broken gives me hope too. Hope for what? I am not sure. Maybe its hope that I will be happy when my child comes along. Hope that I can let go of the worry and just enjoy my family as it is.

baby bee

2010-04-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, in a land far far away, I had this crazy idea. "No matter what, someday, I will have a child to raise as my own!"
Mind you this was so long ago (1990s) that I wasn't even able to date someone longer than 6 weeks without finding good reason to shoot him down like a UFO flying low over Arizona. Anyhoo since I knew a baby was surely on the way, I began mentally planning. Then in the late 90s I got a bit more serious and bought a few things. Just some adorable baby toy that I would buy for a friend's shower, but I'd get two and save one for my future baby.
In case I never told you before, my nickname is Bee. As you might imagine some of these terrible cute items were "bee" themed. My best friend at the time was pregnant with her IVF twins and we had plenty of time to talk while she was on bedrest. So "baby bee" evolved in my mind with her encouragement. I accepted hand me downs from the twins, who call me Aunt (ant) Bee now. I had a box of baby things in the back of my closet. Here and there things were added. Did you know Eddie Bauer Home once had a bee themed baby bedding set? Yep got that, on clearance.
But there was a problem, baby bee had no baby daddy. I got sloppy with birth control and tried to get some tips from the girls on Maury, but that never panned out for me. I even tried the sperm donor/single mom by choice route, once.
Then I tried dating again in 2004. Lucky me there was a guy out there for me. I met my darling husband in November 2004. He came with a son who was 8 at the time. I made sure I communicated my desire for babies and just melted when he said he thought he had a couple more in him :o).

Fast forward past the wedding in 2006 and our first attempts at getting pregnant, blah blah, read the history in older posts.

Monday I was at home, sick - and I opened the "baby Bee" box. I am putting things out for the all neighborhood garage sale in May. I am surprised at my lack of atttachment to the once planned decor. It is still way cute and gender neutral, but that baby bee was a dream given up a long time ago. I'll keep some things, the Hello Bee book, Bee rattle, and Bee bib, but the other things were for a baby I never had. Time to move them along. I love the new room I have created for whoever lands in that space, but I don't think it will be baby bee's room.

I think I am beginning to feel the same way about the names we had picked out. A child adopted from fostercare comes with a name. Yes it can be changed, and once an adoption is final our last names will definately be the same. Do we have a right to remove the name that a child has known for months or years? I want to name my child, but Daphne, Zane, Violet, Minnie and all the other possibilities might have died right along with those fetuses/embryos. We'll see.

riding the waves

2010-04-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

. . . or drifting might be more appropriate, like a jelly. There is not a thing I can do to speed up the process of getting a baby in our house. Deep breath, trying to be okay with that. Some nights while watching whatever I darn well please on the Tee Vee I have a grateful moment and know my relaxing days are numbered.
Other nights like tonight, I can't get motivated to do a darn thing because I have all the time in the world and what I'd rather be doing is giving Baby Bee a post din-din bath and getting ready for stories. I have shelves of kids books. I have been collecting them since the early 90's, just cause I love them so.
Maybe that's another time killer for the pre Baby Bee void . . . Okay get ready for some of my favorite kid books :o).

If you build it, will they come?

2010-04-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

I know, I don't have a baby right now, but I have a decorated baby's room ! Is that really strange? Many people don't want to "jinx" the whole baby thing by making a nursery too soon. Dude my baby thing was jinxed years ago, so whatever.

To adopt a baby from fostercare you have to have a space ready to go, so why not make it look pretty?

First we have the boy's old room (before the remodel) - freshly painted with Valspar Lazy Days, a lovely soft aqua color.

I then found my inspiration fabric, hoping is wasn't too girly. I wanted bring out the orange, green and brown colors. Who doesn't love ball fringe? I knew it also had to be part of this creation. From this print I was inspired to add a tree and birdies to the wall. A dear friend helped me shop for coordinating prints and another worked with me on the super cute valance.

Then it was time to paint the tree.

and add some leaves. I new what I wanted the birdies to look like and I was fairly confident that my basic sewing skills could get me there. Again I relied on another friend to sketch out patterns for the two birds. Thank goodness she metioned interfacing, these little guys would not have made it into life without that tip. I knew the colors, orange felt for beaks, batting for a little puffiness and black button eyes.

Oh I just love them! I'm sure they are singing up a storm in that tree! This is one of those rare times that my vision for the project came out just as I hoped. So the picture molding is the only thing left to paint. Maybe I'll tackle that tomorrow. For now I think I will just revel in the cuteness I have created :o).

Okay Universe we are getting very close to ready - where is our baby at?

Mean Mommy

2010-04-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't ever birthed a baby, but still I get to be the Mean Mommy.
So to explain - I married into a ready made family, Daddy and Son. The Son who is now 13 goes between our two houses every other week. My issue? I have a problem with rules. Oh yeah, I love rules and the structure they provide, because then you can bend them and still be in the right. I also think learning the rules is an important task for a child to function in society as they would like. Once you know how to follow the rules them you can make choices. Some people make rules, then never follow up - I HATE THIS! And I think the bio mother of the 13 year old is just that kind of person.
13 year old got some poor grades based on his choice to not do homework and to lie to his parental units that he had none or that is was already done. Short term thinking obviously. So the bio mom was really upset about the lying and cracked down hard. I don't really have a say in all of this, but I am supposed to follow the rules. Homework first, no TV, no video games, no Yu gi go cards, no sleepovers. Fine I can do that, consistancy is one of my strong suits.
So spring break week comes and I take the time off to be with the 13 year old. Lots of adventure ideas dance through my head. Then his bio mom wants him to stay with her longer, cutting into our week. Who am I, what am I going to say, NO? So fine now the 5 weekdays are only 3. The boy comes back to us with a cold - this is frequently the case. He's seen every movie already. I decide to give him a free day wednesday and mentally plan fun for thursday.

Wednesday night I ask - so did you get any homework over Spring Break?
Answer yeah, math, spanish, english.
Well its done already right? (I say recalling the rules)
No, I haven't started.

. . . WTF!!! inside my head voice - now I get to feel like a bitch and I didn't even make these goddammned rules!

So here I sit thursday morning knowing that homework is not really happening at any reasonable pace debating on leaving him here and enjoying myself or staying to crack the whip over his head. At least he is 13 and I can leave him alone!

I do feel the need to separate myself from a situation I cannot control, but I am torn because like it or not I am a parent to him too.

I also admit - this is one of the reasons I want my own child that just my husband and I can raise. No more group parenting please!

belated update

2010-03-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry kids - or whoever is out there and interested in the tedious details of my plight for Motherhood.
I am late posting a report from the Family Fair at our agency. I admit I had a fantasy about sweeping some social worker off her feet with the absolute fabulosity of my husband and I. I dreamt we would be pulled aside out of the Fair in order to discuss the perfect child who needed to come to our house right away!

None of that happened, we talked to social workers from the state, and 3 surrounding counties. We handed them our "family available" flyer and smiled pretty, shook hands, said we were open to anything and looked eager, but hopefully not crazy or desperate. We were in and out in about 30 minutes. Both of us had checked out of work for a couple of hours, so we went to lunch. On our way I said to my husband "well, maybe that is the last weird thing we are going to have to do!" He replied with a very little smile, "probably not."

So that's that.

Empty crib still sits.

We continue to covet every stray toddler we see.

I keep looking for the magical place on the internet or somewhere over the rainbow where "you can always adopt" is as easy as it sounds.

anxiety + anger = ?

2010-03-10T23:04:00.000-08:00

Angriety? Anxiger? All day I have been feeling this way. Could be the looming layoffs at work. Not me luckily, but many other great, hardworking people.

Probably displaced anger at my childless situation for which I of course blame myself. Also anxiety regarding the daily potential of getting THE CALL. And I'm not talking about becoming a preacher type, no sirree.

Most likely cause - The Bi-Annual Family Fair! (yeah - i think) So baby brokers from all over our area come to check out the Families who are studied and ready to receive babyness. We will be parading in at our assigned alphabetical time slot. Smiling, Waving, droping off our glossy family available papers and trying to make a good impression. Talk about a MEET market. I will post highlights in the next few days.

I need to go off to bed and dream about the perfect outfit that says "Mom."

still hurts

2010-03-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a year since they removed a baby from my body, and it still hurts. I feel like I should be happy for the pregnant ladies, but it still hurts. I feel good for the "sisters" that still have time and resources to try once more, but I am envious. I hide my sadness most of the time, even from myself, but it creeps in and hurts at unexpected times.

Hurts when the breastfeeding mother tells me of her yearning for wine. Hurts when the 30 week pregnant friend at work announces she'll be out on leave to take better care of herself. Hurts to know someone may be dying, but doesn't want anyone to know. Hurts when when new mothers complain about unwanted shower gifts. Hurts when a toddler "in the system" grabs my finger to walk with her like she's always known me when she should be afraid of a stranger. Hurts when I hear about a failed adoption and the child is only 2 years old. Hurts to read about the requirements for international adoption and not be able to fit their criteria.

Hurts to even think "You can always adopt" may not apply to us.

Hurts sometimes, but mostly not.

I am grateful

2010-02-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

Over the past 4 weeks I have had nothing to complain about. Not that I no longer wallow in self pity, but I have been presented over and over again with knowledge that my woes are small by comparison.

I have seen friends and coworkers deal with the terror of a new diagnosis and the ravages of chronic medical conditions. I had a brief medical scare that was handled quickly and turned out to be minor, yeah for that. I have been waiting for the axe to drop on the necks of my coworkers while I sit with some security in my position for now.

Right now, we deal with the minor rebellion of an eighth grader every other week. Right now we need to clean up the yard. Right now I can go out drinking with my DH on a thursday night without finding a baby sitter. Right now I have minor aches and pains that come with being an out of shape 43 year old. Right now my DH has a good chance at getting a promotion and more $$ at work. Right now I have many crafty projects to choose from. Right now we are well and getting better.

I have walked past the empty crib in the freshly painted nursery day after day. I wonder who will ever use this crib again. I wonder if or when it might get used in our house, but I don't feel sad about it. I just wonder - what happens next?

the waiting (is the hardest part) Thank you Tom Petty

2010-02-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

http://popup.lala.com/popup/432627077918673992

As yes - waiting waiting. Oh yeah, finally got to see the draft of our home study. I guess I was waiting for that to be final because THEN we could move along in this fost/adoption process.
Turns out to be rather anticlimactic. There are no revealing secrets about us. No confessions told by my darling husband or friends who vouched for us. Just a bare bones (actually kind of dull) read portraying a forty something couple with a teen 1/2 time child.
I guess it is like any relationship you are trying to get into - its not good to look desparate, right?
I read over the home study and thought "well yeah, I want a kid to come live with us forever and ever, but hey I have everything I need. Why mess up the staus quo?" If I was a social worker hunting for the perfect home for a child wouldn't I want to see more passion? Or does that read "crazy." Are we supposed to be objective? Stick to what ever is best for the child, regardless of our personal feelings?

How many objective mama's do we have out there? Let's see some hands . . .

Really? don't even try to tell me you don't go all "Mama Bear" if someone tries to get between you and your baby!! So how are we supposed to form a family with this new child and stay open to the idea that the child might have to go back to birth parents who hurt them in the first place?

If that's not crazy talk then I don't know what is. People are in this process everyday - I guess I will have to trust the unknown and our ability to deal with it.

So officially we could get a kid in our house any day now - or it could be months from now. Stay tuned.

being "Real"

2010-01-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

When you pour your feelings out for the world to see, you wonder if anyone will ever see it.

Remember the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams?

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Thanks internet ALI community, friends old and new, for making me REAL! Check out more very real writings at Creme-de-la-Creme of 2009 - thanks Mel, I am very proud to be #120!

the Stork part deux

2010-01-18T19:38:00.000-08:00

So the adoption Stork is coming out to our house on friday. One last look to check that the knives are locked away and poison isn't being served as snacks. Our adoption Stork also needs to speak with the 13 year old boy in our house - who speaks less and less everyday - good luck lady!

What's really on my mind is loss of control. Up until now I have had a feeling of control over this adoption process. Nope, nothing is happening at our house until we get the paperwork together and hand it over, so there, you can't make me until I'm good and ready! I consciously chose to ease through the holidays without the possibility of a baby. But now we are reaching the end of any illusion of calling the shots. By the end of January our homestudy should be complete, approved and ready to present to the world. Will we have a baby in March? Will we be called to take a child we are not sure about? How do you possibly make the right decision.

(Later that same week. . .)

The Adoption Stork came and went, and now the ball is in her court.

Yay, I guess. . . problem is, now we wait. How long, no one can tell. This is normal and expected, but ABNORMAL things have been happening in child welfare in our area.

First of all I work for a county and therefore cannot adopt from my own county. Okay, fine. The economy has hit child welfare hard, layoffs, policy changes, and high stress levels. And in a very ironic turn of events MANY fewer babies are being removed from their drug using mothers at birth. Not sure if the baby fountain has "dried up" in other counties, but boy are things different than 1 year ago.

Technically, depending on how you look at the law - it is not necessarily child abuse if the bad things happened before a kid was born. So in order to have your baby removed from your care - we need to see the physical harm first. Wow, here we go again. Kids have to be hurt before being protected.

stepping off my soap box now - I know I can't save the world. I just want to be a mom.

well . . . since you asked

2010-01-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

So for those not in the know usually when the Stork brings you a baby, you just take what you get. This is not true for the adoption Stork. The adoption Stork asks you what sort of baby you would like, boy, girl, healthy, deformed, eternally dependant, delayed in school, heart defect, behaviors that will end playdates? You can ask for what you'd like - if you are willing to wait and are also willing to possibly not get a baby at all.

The "normal" path to parenthood comes with the illusion of a perfect baby in the end. We all know anything can happen along the way and generally people will say "we'll handle whatever comes our way."
BUT are you willing to sign up for a rough road - on purpose??
It really does give one pause.

If you knew the chemical, physical, or pyschological trauma your baby has been exposed to was bound to cause a deficit of some sort, would you say - bring it on?

It's a strange thing to pick and choose your "poison." Kinda makes you feel like a wimp. What? You afraid of a little Cerebral Palsy or ADHD? Some very successful people have had those diagnoses! Medication can fix all the mental health issues right? Never mind those pesky side effects. Don't tell me you're wussing out now! You wanted a baby - right?

preconceptions - why does everything relate to pregnancy?

2009-11-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

So despite the dragging of feet we have been assigned a social worker. Let's call her the Stork. So tomorrow the Stork is coming to look at our house and talk about I really don't know what. I have officially lost the ability to get worked up over "company" seeing my dust bunnies. I don't know if that is an age thing, but I do know my dearest darling husband cares even less than I do. As long as we are all in agreement I'm cool. Let's hope the Stork feels the same. Our house is not child proof right now, but we have made our efforts. On his second try DDH got the locking cabinet installed and we have all the kid locks and outlet plugs, they just aren't out of the packages yet. I admit I feel a little bitter about preparing for a child who may not be here for another year or more. Why should I break a nail every time I need to grab the dish soap when no child is in danger?
Bitter Betty . . . time for an attitude adjustment. I'm sure I will dream all night about my preconceptions, and conception, and let's hope this Stork can drop a baby in our cabbage patch soon.

Eternally "pregnant"

2009-11-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

preg-nant - adj. - [preg-nuh nt]

1. having a child or other offspring developing in the body; with child or young, as a woman or female mammal. Okay - clearly that's not me

2. fraught, filled, or abounding (usually fol. by with): our life is currently pregnant with possibilities, about who will be coming into our family

3. teeming or fertile; rich (often fol. by in): my mind is pregnant in planning for a new child

4. full of meaning; highly significant: Adopting a child is surely a pregnant event

5. of great importance or potential; momentous: Finally adopting our child will be a very pregnant day (thank you dictionary.com)

So who knew that 8 months after losing my last baby I'd be pregnant again. Of course this pregnancy doesn't really have a due date. And there are a few small details that make it unusual.

I have no way of knowing if we will get a boy or girl (ultrasound will not help!)

We don't know what size clothing or diapers we will need when we bring baby home.

Baby will already have a name - like it or not.

So how do you prepare for your bundle of joy to arrive???

Suggestions anyone . . . Bueller, anyone?

the Sound of Dragging Feet

2009-09-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

No, not the "pitter patter" as we had expected to have this year, all you can hear around our house lately is the sound of delays and avoidance. My "due date" for Blobby came and went in August without fanfare or even that many tears I guess. I had felt the need to "do something" a few months ago, so we signed up for an orientation at an adoption agency.
Neither of us felt really happy about the choice. It is a choice only out of eliminated options. Remaining childless as a couple still doesn't seem like the life I wanted, so adoption out of foster care is what is before us.Yes the awesome stepson is still around 50% of the time, but he is truly outnumbered by his parents, stepparents and grandparents, more kids are needed! We went ahead and completed the 9 weeks of classes this summer. Turns out to have been a very good choice and much easier to do when school is out.
I was surprised at how bad we both were about doing the homework and reading. My excuses? Well, I work in child welfare, I'm a pediatric nurse, I know all about this stuff, I had a crappy day at work hearing about abused kids I don't need to read more thank you very much. I don't know why the hubby is off his game, but I think he never was much for homework. I think both of us feel like we will deal with whatever comes our way, this is our child, with their own history and circumstances and we will deal with what arises just like other parents do.
Okay , Now I'm getting to the bottom of the feet dragging thing - I am pissed off that I have to jump through hoops to get a baby, when every other numbskull is popping out babies like Pez.
So far we have submitted 3 copies of fingerprints each, done multiple self reporting psychologic work sheets and suffered through some marginal presentations of truly disturbing information. The current hold up is on our personal "feeling" autobiographies. Oh yeah we have to write 4-10 pages about our lives/families and formative experiences. I have completed two paragraphs, hubby has done some as well. It's hard to think about what to put in, because ya know - social workers will be deciding if and what baby we can handle based on what we put out to the world.

It's a little more thought provoking than a back seat romp without birth control.

We have 1 make up class to do - sexual abuse on 10/6/09 - oh joy. We are committed to having our autobiographies written by then, unless we can figure out another delay tactic.

EDC

2009-08-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Estimated Date of Confinement, odd term huh? Due date is more common, but why be common. For me I thought my EDC of 8/18/09 would mean Extra Days of Crying, as if I don't cry enough.

But funny thing, the day came and went with few tears.

Life Saver

2009-05-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

Most of my "peak experience" moments have come when I feel I have truly connected with another person. Being understood is so valuable to me. I've found connection in the mostly unlikely places - most recently at an RE's office.

This little man does not look like a miracle worker, but he is. Dr. V gives life. He does what he can to make a new baby life possible, and sometimes it actually works. He didn't help me get a baby, but he gave me my life back.

I met with him on 5/15/09, 10 weeks after they removed my "not a baby anymore" Blobby. DH and I have 7 frozen 2PN - that means fertilized eggs that have divided once, thus 2 cells now. Dr. V spent at least 2 hours with me running "what if" scenarios. What IF we ran every known test on me again, What IF we put me on Heparin even though there is no indication that it would help, What IF we stick the eggs in someone else's baby cooker, What IF we had $50,000 to throw at the problem, What IF I actually got pregnant again, What IF I went insane trying to believe my body could keep a baby alive longer than 14 weeks?

Every internet possibility was discussed. Finally we got down to what he thinks is going on. I can hardly believe he was actually willing to make and educated guess! I was totally seduced by this man. He started by telling me I knew more than most of the OB doctors who have treated me, and he respects that I was being logical while still having my emotions. I was crying the whole time of course. Oh my God he SOOOO gets me!

Then he crossed the line of self disclosure and I was completely melted. Dr. V told me "You remind me of my wife, our son has autism and she would do anything to to make him better." He started crying too, awwwww. "We have searched for answers and tried many things, but what are you going to do? We plan for his future the best way we know how."

It was such a moment of universal recognition of our commonality - I love those moments. All titles get dropped. No one has it worse than someone else. And somehow, even though we can't fix it for each other we have both been helped.

So I left, Dr. V said whatever we decide he would help me. And behind his little glasses, through his tears, he told ME to be strong.

Life after Death

2009-05-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

It hit me a couple of weeks ago. Recovering emotionally from a miscarriage is very much like being in love and getting dumped

I remember the feeling so well. A rush of hormones. Your heart is beating faster. Every minute of thought is about "him." You practice writing names and planning your future together. Things and friends you have previously enjoyed are now less important. You gravitate towards friends who have boyfriends, because they will tolerate your detailed recounting of each moment you've known each other, and wait their turn to compare notes. Your hobbies get neglected, because you want to spend time with him. Internet searches all relate him, his interests, and the next fabulous home cooked meal you will make for him.

Your "single" friends may drift away, because there is another club you belong to, yes you are still single right now, but not for long right?? Plus you need to start modifying your life for the couple lifestyle. The "marrieds" are happy for you, some of the singles might be too, but some may avoid you to deal with their own issues. And all those changes are fine because this head rush of joy is what you've been after, finally.

Then it happens - dumped, who cares why, it hurts, it can't be changed. Maybe better luck next time, if there is a next time, they tell you it will be okay. Everyone supports you at first, the singles are so sorry, the marrieds too. Even casual work friends pat your back. You're are allowed to grieve for a time, others will listen, but there is time limit. It's not posted anywhere, but the social cues are loud and clear.

However you feel after the timer goes off needs to be kept inside now. Others want it all to return to "normal." Singles will welcome you back into the fold. Marrieds might see you as a threat to their way of life, a reminder that "it can happen to you too."

You might find yourself at a loss to remember what your life was like before "him." What did you do with your Friday nights? If we were still together, what would be happening now? What were my goals outside of this relationship?

Rereading this I can get very critical toward myself. Just like I used to beat myself up for falling so hard for a guy.

This baby was the center of our lives already. I don't care about other plans I had for myself. Hobbies were just killing time until a baby filled the time. Some mommy friends steer clear, not knowing what to say I guess, afraid I have some baby killing aura around me, or just not interested unless I am in their club. The singles who aren't TTC or haven't experienced TTC failures are sweet, but don't really get it.

TTCers get it, but what we "get" is knowing we can't really take pain away, well wishes and "baby dust" don't change outcomes and time doesn't heal all wounds. Miracles are out there, you'll easily find those stories.

But I am starting to feel the reality. Try, try again, doesn't work here. Some of us will never get what we wanted, and most that fall into that category just fade away. It's all too sad to be reminded of. Repeated failures without a happy ending is just not the American Way.

good bye "Blobby"

2009-04-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

I am 6 weeks post a D & C that removed what was left of "Blobby" from my body. I started relaxing just like everyone tells you, finally I had made it out of the dreaded frist trimester, Victorious! 16 week fetus intact until 3/2/09, when the freaked out CNM still couldn't find a heartbeat on doppler. The vag cam showed a very still "Blobby" with no heartbeat. Call in the other doc to look, confirmed, dead "Blobby."

Hilarity ensued, cry cry cry, I'm so sorry, we don't know why, nothing you did or didn't do, more crying, husband wants a break, i want answers or action or some shred of hope. Back on zoloft. Damn I already rsvp'd to her shower! Must be strong, must be good wife, stepmom, friend, worker bee, wanna bee. Failure at all of the above, failed eggs, failed lining, failed womb.

No worries this week

2009-02-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

Some how It's easier to write when you have things to complain about. I am 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. IVF really takes the mystery out of pregnancy, sure no guessing when this baby got started!
Mostly I have intermittent freak-outs because I feel so normal. Last week I called and got a doctor appointment, just to see if the baby was still really there. The doppler doesn't pick up my baby's heartbeat yet. Not sure if that's just due to my belly fat or what. So we wheeled in the US machine and there was "Blobby" our little super active fetus. "Blobby" moves so much we couldn't use the fancy machine to hear the heartbeat either. Being a nurse there are a few things I want to know every time - what's the heart rate and is the baby growing properly? "Blobby" moves too much to get these answers, sigh.
My current goal is to walk a little more than not at all, and hold out on freaking out until the next appointment - wish me luck!

Congrats its a fetus!

2009-01-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

I had my first OB appointment at Kaiser at 9 weeks 1 day- OMG! Prior to the appointment there was much freaking out. I don't feel pregnant, I'm not barfing my guts out and sleeping all the time. I was dizzy for a week and felt kinda gaggy, but now not so much. Having lost 3 pregnancies very early on - I was expecting the worst. But now we are in uncharted territory - we have an official fetus instead of an embryo! The ultrasound (coochie cam) showed the little 2 cm bean, big head, and freaky little limbs right where it should be placenta and all. And then it wiggled - okay that was way cool! I return for the 12 week exam in early February. Question is - can I stay optimistic now that my only symptoms are food tastes funny, bad constipation, and a bit of sore boobs? Who am I kidding? I'm all over the place, but as always time will tell.

no "man's" land

2009-01-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

So here I sit in the world between the "really" pregnant people and my sisters in infertility land. I actually feel guilty for being pregnant when so many young, gorgeous, responsible women I have met are still struggling. Some days I feel sick and actually pregnant, but other days I feel fat and just know this pregnancy is not going to produce a baby. "Graduating" to the pregnancy after infertility group should be a good thing, but I can't stand to hear about baby clothes and finding out the sex right now, I'm not there.
I'm fighting those negative thoughts - it got the better of me yesterday afternoon. I was googling signs of miscarriage which led me to miscarriage remembrance gifts. Oh my god people - don't ever go there! I was planning out my bracelet that would contain birthstone for all my miscarriages, so far I have June, March and August. I had myself so worked up I called Kaiser trying to get an US today or anytime before my monday appointment. I'll hang on to my cell for dear life today waiting for the response to the urgent email the advice nurse sent to my doc.
I felt better after a good cry over how concerned the nurse was for me, sweetness always makes me cry. I sucked it up, dropped some visine, and went to science night. I had to be the dutiful stepmom until we got home and alone and I could confess my feelings to my husband in private.
Dang it! my phone just rang and i missed it!!! Private number - no message, argghh.

7 weeks

2008-12-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

Last week we saw 2 gestational sacs and one had a heartbeat. The doctor said sometimes its too early to see the other one. I think we will only have one continue - that's fine with us, but I so want this one to be our baby. We'll have more answers at the US on monday morning.

pregnant until proven otherwise

2008-12-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to hang on to this idea. I am pregnant, I am pregnant - okay yes it's a 6 week pregnancy, most people don't even know they are pregnant at this point. The US is today and I want to see a beating heart.

to be continued

I saw Zebras in the canyon.

2008-12-19T07:07:00.000-08:00

The dream I remember from last night was about moving into a tri level apartment. Not sure why, but recall knowing that it was temporary and I'd be moving back home with my husband after some time. Outside of the apartment, in the backyard was a canyon. It was like the Grand Cayon, beautiful anf very deep. Other neighbors were outside and told me about the women's walking trail around the canyon rim. I saw two women hiking the trail with climbing equipment. The trail was clearly dangerous and the neighbors said people die on it all the time. I saw the women scramble over gaps in the trail where rocks had fallen away. "No Way man, not for me" is all I could think. I inched closer to the edge to seen more of the canyon and the river that was at it's bottom. Drinking from the river were 2 zebras. Someone said they've been there for a long time and no one can catch them. The were safe and happy at the bottom of the canyon.
I wake up today feeling overweight, not pregnant. I am trying to believe that the embryos I know are there and had a good start, are still there. Safe at the bottom of the canyon, untouchable and thriving.

5 weeks pregnant WTF???

2008-12-14T21:31:00.000-08:00

I mean it's good, but it hasn't sunk in yet. A week from monday we will have the 6 week US and hopefully see a strong heartbeat. My Dr. has already warned me that based on my Beta HCG numbers, we could be having twins. I do love the idea of having more than one child. I know this will be my only pregnancy and it could be a two for one deal.
Last week I was freaking out that the first two numbers were good, but I assumed things would go downhill as before. So I went in early for a third test that was awesome. So I told my husband I promise to chill out now.
Having the curse of knowing too much and seeing too many of the things that can go wrong in a pregnancy and with babies' lives is working against me. I must vow to take this journey moment by moment and remember most things go quite well. Life is precious and durable or else we wouldn't have made it this far.
I still feel I am in no man's land - no pregnancy announcement is appropriate at this time. But my infertility sisters consider me "graduated." I guess it is like HS graduation, but you didn't get into college yet - still waiting for the acceptance or rejection letter. Maybe I'll get a job in fast food to kill the waiting time. :o)

holding on to hope

2008-12-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

Right now I like the feeling of being hopeful. Our transfer was great except that I had to pee really bad. The photos of the embryos are awesome. Being a science geek from way back it is absolutely fascinating to be able to see your potential baby at such an early stage. Last night the thought in my head before I fell asleep was "how do I stop Saturday from coming?" Thursday, oh that's tomorrow, is the first beta, but they hold the sample until the second beta and run them together. So I still have PTSD from my last cycle and the BFN result. It keeps running through my head, how will I handle the news this time if its bad?
The real mind#%*k with IVF is that worse than yes or no, there is such a thing as kind of pregnant. Maybe the labs don't look so good, but not really bad, so you continue to hope or cry, but you just have to get more blood drawn and wait.
For Saturday I will have the clinic call my husband at home. I will be helping a friend at her child's birthday party (an 8 yr old IVF twin!) Then after the party is over I will go home and hear the news. Or maybe I'll go see a movie, drive to Nevada, forget where I live - that will stop Saturday from coming for sure!
Yeah I can wait, at least today I can say I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

transfer eve

2008-11-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

'twas the night before transfer and all through the house not a single one was sleeping, not even my spouse.
Well that's it for now I gotta go to bed so I can hit an early sale or two before our transfer at 10 am!

lucky number 7

2008-11-24T22:22:00.000-08:00

So the thaw went well for all 7 embryos. Now we see how they grow. I wonder if is helpful for me to admit I am fearful of pregnancy? I am concerned that I will have complications, unbearable pain, and be miserable for 9 months, AND THEN be disappointed with the stresses of motherhood. Is it horrible that I have more negative images in my mind than happy ones? I've seen some of the worst things that can happen to children first hand. Can I let myself have a normal pregnancy? Could my child grow up to be a healthy and happy adult? Why am I on the other end - don't most people expect everything to go well?
Am I trying to influence the outcome by choosing to thaw 7? What a freak I am.

and then it all changes . . .

2008-11-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

So I made an appointment for friday 11/21, day 13 of my cycle. I was supposed to go in on day 14-16, but I wanted to see Dr. G only and friday would have to be the day. I had a pretty good feeling that my lining would look normal now that all other medication is out of my system. There is was 8mm! I actually said "I told you so! Lupron is not my friend." And he said, so let's do a transfer this month!
I had not even considered this . . . awesome I guess, what about all the shots? I haven't been on anything, uh sure I guess we can. So the real beauty is I have now avoided all of the anxiety of cycle preparation and wondering if my body can be ready for an embryo. Yeah!! The plan goes like this - I had a big fat follicle on cycle day 13, but no LH surge yet, so they gave me a shot of HSG. I got back on the prenatal vitamin bandwagon and am taking daily aspirin. I told the Dr. I want 7 embryos thawed so we are assured of getting one or two day 5 blasts. He wanted to thaw 4, but I told him, we aren't doing this much longer, this might be my last try regardless of the outcome. Tonight I begin my medrol and antibiotic for a transfer next week. Day 3 would be Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but i am shooting for Black Friday. This gives it a whole new meaning . . . I guess I'm not going shopping :o(. At very least I will have more pictures of embryos to post.